Can I Stop Being Kinky? Can You Ever Leave BDSM?

Last Updated on 8 September, 2025 by Cara Sutra

If you’re considering leaving BDSM, it’s natural to be curious about if you can stop being kinky. I hear quite frequently of Doms and Dommes, Masters and Mistresses, submissives and bottoms talking of quitting ‘the scene’. The scene of course, being the BDSM / Fetish scene.

So, can a person ever stop being kinky? Is it possible to retire from BDSM?

I think really it comes down to what quitting means for you. Do you want to actually not have anything more to do with Fetish, or do you just want to sever ties (excuse the pun) with acquaintances?

All too often, those in the scene get burned one way or another, through the power exchange relationships that they form. This echoes life, really. We make friends, we fall out. We have partners, we break up. People from all walks of life will find ways to not want to be in each other’s’ presence anymore, kinky or not.

It should be safer in BDSM – ‘should’ being the operative word. There are more guidelines to act by, to set the course of our behaviour; there are even safewords and the coverall of consent.

However there are still times when you might feel you’ve just had enough. Person X has hurt you in whichever way and you want out: out of the relationship, out of the scene. Just, out.

Perhaps you don’t want to quit BDSM over a falling out. Maybe you are just bored; you’re not getting satisfaction from putting yourself out there. Things that used to arouse the hell out of you just aren’t getting you the same way these days.

It could be that you’re in a relationship where your partner doesn’t agree with your kink preferences. Or you wish you weren’t kinky – guilt over your orientation in BDSM is an all too common thing.

Whatever the case is, your mind is screaming, “get me out, it’s over. I quit BDSM.”

I believe that while you can stop certain actions, you can’t really stop being kinky. Being kinky is what makes you part of BDSM. The thing, the scene, whatever ‘it’ is, you’re a part of it.

Sorry.

Yes, you can stop Topping or bottoming. You can sever ties with your submissive(s) or stop being the submissive for your chosen Masters and Mistresses. You can sell all your spanking paddles and whips, and make a bonfire in your garden and burn your PVC knickers and then dig a hole and bury your collars and bondage cuffs.

Will this make you vanilla? Will it stop you thinking about ‘the scene’? I don’t think it will. You will still be that person.

Being kinky is a part of being you. It is your nature, your personality. I believe that while circumstances and experiences can definitely mould a Fetish orientation, certain people are more inclined to be Dominant, switch or submissive even from an innate perspective.

I’m Dominant. I am also a woman. I have brown hair.

If I didn’t use my vagina for a week it wouldn’t make me less of a woman. (I’d be sad though.) If I dye my hair blonde, it will still grow brown. It’s the way it is.

I get turned on by holding the keys to a man’s chastity device. I like hearing about how they suffer within it, for me. I love holding my girl down by the neck as her wrists are chained above her head, stealing her breath and ravaging her willing body. I might not do that for a while. It doesn’t make it any less of something that I enjoy, a part of me that is just there.

So yes, call yourself an ex-Mistress, an ex-Dominatrix. Say you retire from the scene, that you’re leaving BDSM.

For those that turn their back on professional Domination, pure pay-per-hour Dominatrices and the like – then yes, perhaps as it’s just a job for you it will be easier to hang up the whip by the door on the way out. Sell off the shinies and carry on with your life.

But for those with kinkiness in their heart and soul (Lifestyle), I’ll call your bluff and say you won’t be able to stop thinking about it. I know, I have tried to force myself to be vanilla for a partner, for years. It didn’t work.

Instead of terming it quitting, or retiring, how about ‘a break’. Have a lovely break from the BDSM activities of your preference, then choose to return and indulge when you are ready.

I honestly believe it’s naive to think you can just switch off your kinkiness for all time. You may be leaving BDSM when it comes to the community, you can get rid of your implements and finish any D/s relationships, but being a kinkster is simply too much a part of a person’s character. It’s up to you if you decide to act on those kinky impulses in your life or not.

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