How To Be Dominant In The Bedroom: 12 Kinky Sex Tips

How To Be Dominant In The Bedroom – 12 Kinky Sex Tips

A question I get asked regularly by readers is “how can I be more Dom in bed with my partner?” When it comes to exerting sexy control over your lover, things may not flow easily right from the start. If you’re new to Dominance & submission role play, it can feel like a huge departure from your usual shared sexual pleasure sessions. How can you exude confidence, assertiveness, and that irresistible Dominant streak? What are some handy ways to tap into consensual cruelty and punish your eager partner? And how do you overcome shyness and nervous giggles? In today’s article I’m sharing my 12 tips on how to be Dominant in the bedroom.

12 Tips For Becoming a Confident Dom in the Bedroom

1. Prioritise Complete Honesty

Time to open up about who you both really are when it comes to BDSM identities. Are you Dom/Domme, Top or switch? Are they slave-like, submissive, or a bottom? Is your kink identity a 24/7 thing, or strictly for the bedroom only?

It’s important to know yourself & your partner extremely well before you attempt to fully inhabit the role during pleasure and power exchange sessions together. That isn’t to say your kink identity is fixed for all time; as with most things psychological and/or sexual, your identity and preferences may be fluid through time. Keep the lines of communication open and always prioritise complete honesty with your partner, and encourage them to keep talking and being honest with you, too. In this way you will avoid falling into unhappiness and dissatisfaction, or any awkward moments during kinky play.

2. Do Your Research

They say ‘proper preparation prevents poor performance‘, and this is absolutely true when it comes to pleasurable power exchange sessions together. Before you head to the bedroom for kinky fun, it’s imperative that you’re both fully certain you’ll both be safe and your limits respected at all times.

I’ve written extensively about safety in BDSM, so please check out my related articles on BDSM safe words and traffic lights, plus general BDSM beginners’ safety tips.

Do your research into the Dom/Domme role. Read kinky erotic stories to not only get some inspiration for your next session, but also get a feel for the Dominant mindset and tone. I’m not saying you have to copy what happens in erotica; often these stories are exaggerated for effect and work only in fantasy, not reality. However, they can give you great ideas for what to wear, what to say and get you hot ‘n steamy while reading, ready to take control of your partner in the way you’ve both been dreaming of.

Join an online kink community like Fetlife, to explore the BDSM scene, connect with similarly-minded folk if you want to and to access kink inspo any time you like.

Finally, don’t forget to just outright ask your partner what they fantasise about. What they’d love you to wear, how they’d like you to act and what they are desperate for you to do to them. That’s the most relevant research you can do, after all!

3. Listen To What They Want

When your partner is telling you about their lustful wants and fetish fantasies, actually listen and take note of what they’re saying. You could literally take notes to then refer to when planning your next power play session, either in a notebook kept by the bed, or on a document accessible from your mobile device.

Too many people use the time when someone is talking to them to think about what they’re going to say next, instead of fully concentrating on what is being communicated to them. Part of being a Dominant is respecting your partner, so show them full respect by paying full attention when they bravely open up about their deepest desires. Encourage them to go into as much detail as they feel comfortable with.

Caring about and respecting your partner fully in this way, from the start, will have the additional benefit of easing their fears entrusting their submission and vulnerability to you, their Dominant.

4. Be Vocal About What YOU Want

When the time is right, and they have fully communicated to you their dirty dreams and filthy fantasies (as well as any worries they may have), get vocal about what it is you want out of this new shared adventure. Try to have these conversations outside of the bedroom first, so there isn’t that immediate pressure on you both to ‘perform’ and live up to each other’s expectations. If it makes it easier, you could discuss things via a messenger like WhatsApp, which removes potential awkwardness from being face-to-face when discussing such intimate desires.

Perhaps you’d love them to serve you in a domestic way, doing housework or other chores, before you both get your satisfaction in bed. Or maybe you have dreams of tying them up when you become Dominant in the bedroom, spanking their bottom until it’s hot to touch, then ‘forcing’ them to provide you with oral pleasure. Have you always wanted to try clit or nipple clamps on them? To insert an anal vibrator and take full control of it? Perhaps you harbour a secret desire to put them in a chastity device, or to deliver intense stimulation via urethral sounding, or electrostimulation?

Talk it all out, gauge their reaction and response and find out exactly what turns you both on. Then you can start planning your erotic power exchange session with confidence and excitement.

5. Overcome Rejection with Grace

If any idea is met with disapproval – or worse, disgust – don’t take it personally. It doesn’t mean you’re a horrible person for those desires*. Similarly, try not to judge your partner negatively for sharing their most intimate fantasies. Don’t ‘yuk their yum’ and remember that your kink may not be their kink (YKINMK). And that’s ok. It’s normal. We’re all individuals, with our unique turn-ons, fascinations, and fantasies.

Keep talking together and hopefully you hit upon your kink compatibility. Use this ongoing open communication to adapt and improve the precious time you spend together actually enjoying power exchange and kinky pleasure in the bedroom.

6. Control Their Movement via Bondage

An easy but effective way to get Dominant in the bedroom with your partner is to control their movement with bondage. Bondage will immediately prevent their freedom of movement and ignite their submission.

A hot tip is to add a blindfold to your submissive play partner, especially if you’re suffering from beginner nerves. You’ll instantly feel a lot less pressure without their eyes watching your every move, impatient for whatever you may do to them next.

Bind them with safe bondage gear – wrist and ankle cuffs are easy and ideal for newbies, unlike bondage rope which requires experience to bind someone safely. Pop their blindfold on, then you can take all the time in the world thinking about what you’re going to say or do as your next Dominant move. There is absolutely no rush; you’re the one in control and don’t forget it! Make them wait with bated breath for your every word, or keep them guessing by saying absolutely nothing, just rewarding them with your touch upon their body when they least expect it.

Using a collar and lead will instantly make them feel owned and controlled, and put you securely in the driving seat. Make sure you use a safe collar with detachable lead, rather than using a household prop around their neck.

Wearing leather gloves will heighten the sense of a Dom/sub boundary between you, or you could only touch them using a BDSM tool such as a teasing feather tickler, a prickly pinwheel or the sting of a spanking paddle upon their pleasingly presented buttocks.

7. Get Physical with Corporal Punishment

Speaking of spanking, how do you go about playfully punishing your partner for the first time? Ensure you have safe words in play, so that there is a means of communicating a real stop to you, the Dominant, in a way you’ll instantly understand and respect. If you use a mouth gag, make sure there’s another, unmistakeable method of conveying they’ve reached their limit to you. Then it’s a case of discovering what form of corporal punishment is most alluring to you and your lucky partner.

Make sure that you select a fleshy part of the body to punish so that you don’t inflict any lasting damage. This means the buttocks and/or upper thighs. Get your submissive partner in a stable position to receive their punishment, whether this is over your knee, on all fours or laid face down on the bed. Spanking tools such as long floggers and single tail whips require experience to wield safely, especially in a confined space.  Beginner-friendly spanking implements include paddles, riding crops and short floggers.

You might choose to inflict pain upon your consensual play partner in other ways than butt spanking. There are pleasure/pain tools such as pinwheels (also known as Wartenberg Wheels), wax play candles, battery-operated zappers and body clamps, to mention just a few.

If you both have an interest in electrostimulation, please check out my guide to electrosex before you begin, to ensure you enjoy these sensory stimulation tools in an informed & completely safe way.

8. Control & Degradation Through Dirty Talk

Kinky insults and perverted pet names are a popular way to make a submissive partner­ feel owned, controlled and humiliated. Part of your research and preparation discussions for becoming their Dominant in the bedroom should cover any names or phrases which have damagingly negative connotations for your partner, or which would trigger bad memories or feelings. Know what to avoid, then you can relish the freedom to call them any other name under the sun during your kinky play session.

It’s quite common for your mind to go entirely blank during an actual D/s scene, so another area of preparation to focus on is thinking up some appropriately kinky, condescending or humiliating names and phrases (as per your partner’s desires) to use once you’re being their Dominant in the bedroom. Use your chosen pet names or humiliating phrases sparingly; overuse will render them meaningless or could sound insincere or like you’re trying too hard.

Bestow the pet name upon them when you feel they’ve truly earned it, as a reward for their obedience and your pleasure in them. Roll out a particularly cutting remark to double down on the psychological impact when you sense your partner is already weak at the knees.

Don’t hold back with just how filthy your names and phrases are. Muster every ounce of assertiveness when you call them your slut, whore, cum rag, sissy bitch, fuck puppy or whatever it may be. Genuinely believe in what you’re calling them, and their submission to you and your Dominance over them, and the air will crackle with kinky sexual tension as you’ve never experienced before.

9. Dress In Dominant Attire

Another popular and recognisable way to establish the Dom/sub boundary is for you, the Dominant in the bedroom, to wear traditionally Dominant attire during the power exchange session. You by no means have to wear fetish wear to be a ‘true Dominant’ (whatever that is), but some people – especially if new to all this – may feel that wearing traditional role play attire helps them get into the mindset. Or just because you love it!

Black, shiny fetish wear which covers the body visually cements your role during the activity. Your submissive partner is likely to have a positive psychological as well as physical reaction to seeing you dressed in such trad fetish gear, which in turn will heighten your own confidence and excitement from the very start.

Black is the mainstay colour of fetish clothing, which may or may not feature highlights in red, purple, blue, green, white or other. Common clothing in FemDom, for example, include skin-tight leather, PVC or latex, with knee or thigh high boots, corset, leather gloves and sometimes headwear such as a peaked cap, transformative face mask or hood.

10. Dress Them in Whatever You Like

Once you’ve decided what you’re going to wear when you become Dominant in the bedroom, you can turn your attention to the small matter of what your submissive partner should wear for you. Do you want to see them in a particular outfit such as a humiliating role play set or some raunchy lingerie? Insist they wear it for you at the start of your Dom/sub play session.

Maybe you’d like them to wear your chosen outfit throughout, or perhaps you’ll order them to do a sexy dance for you and strip provocatively for your pleasure. Maybe you’ll tear the clothing from their body while dishing out appropriately humiliating insults, before giving them a sound bottom spanking. Or you may prefer to give them the task of choosing an outfit to wear for you, which you then rate or hate – and reward or punish them for, accordingly.

11. Tap Into Your Selfishness

We are taught that being selfish is a bad trait and should be avoided, that we should instead always think of others before ourselves. It can feel impossible to throw that lifelong belief out of the window when it comes to kinkily cruel Domination of your partner in the bedroom.

Although plenty of your bedroom-based Dominance and submission enjoyment will focus on what the submissive wants to happen to them, and what they want you to do, there is certainly room for you, the Dominant in the bedroom, to be selfish about your desires. As with all things sex and BDSM, this should be done in a careful and actively consensual manner, ensuring that limits are discussed beforehand and that safe words are set and respected. Then you can let your imagination run wild, for once.

You want them to spend the entire play session on their knees giving you oral? Demand it. You want to tease them to the very edge of orgasm then deny them, over and over? Do it. You want to end with a full body massage and being gently kissed from head to toe by your devoted sex slave? You got it.

What else would you really want from them, now you’re in charge? Take time to think it over, then enjoy asserting your Dominance the next time you play together!

12. Continually Improve with Feedback & Kind Critique

A helpful habit to form between your bedroom Dom/sub sessions is to connect for feedback. Be gentle if there were some activities which didn’t really float your boat and remember to accept their critique with grace and an open mind, ready to use their sentiments to improve things for you both the next time.

It doesn’t have to be hours-long chat about every second of your bedroom kinky play session. Even a quick catch-up by asking “how was it for you?” (over a messenger if you find it easier/less confrontational) after the heat and passion of the moment has ebbed away could turn up great suggestions for what to leave out, or new ideas to include, the next time.

The Importance of Aftercare

The importance of aftercare in BDSM cannot be overstated. Both Dominant and submissive roles tap into deep psychological areas, with the majority of mental and physical responsibility on the Dominant in the bedroom and the submissive person fully trusting their Dom/Domme with their deepest, darkest desires and intimate vulnerabilities. It’s common to get swept along into the thrill and passion of the D/s session, with the emotional and psychological element only fully impacting one or both partners afterwards.

Aftercare of your submissive partner is important to stop them from becoming overwhelmed by their emotions and the reality of releasing usually hidden desires and vulnerabilities to you. The realisation of long-held fantasies can lead to overstimulation. During the emotional and physical come-down after a session, your submissive partner will need tenderness and reassurance to return to a place of comfort and emotional stability. What you do with your partner just after a D/s session can be just as, if not more, important than all the kinky stuff you do during it.

In Conclusion

I hope these 12 tips on how to be more Dominant in the bedroom have given you the confidence you need to get started. Honesty, ongoing communication, safety and active consent are the most important factors in sex and BDSM. In addition to these foundational factors, taking the time to learn what turns both of you on, and tracking any changes to this over time, will see you genuinely enjoying new erotic adventures through your years together.

Getting stuck in a sex or kink rut, or not moving beyond comfortable habits, can lead to extinguishing your shared passion over time. When they want to try something new – with you firmly in charge in the bedroom – you now have plenty of beginner tools at your disposal to assert your Dominance and ignite your shared desires.

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*I am of course assuming here that your/their desires are safe, sane, consensual and legal.