Last Updated on 1 November, 2025 by Cara Sutra
Recently I’ve been exploring imaginative ways to love myself. I don’t mean self-care acts like bubble baths and meditation; I mean the physical act of making love to myself. Usually, solo sex means one thing: a quick wank using my favourite sex toys and technique. A finger fumble or a quick buzz from a vibe, something secretive or rushed, with the goal of self-pleasure being orgasm and done. But there’s so much more to experience. Is it possible to rediscover higher levels of sexual excitement in my own body, reminiscent of experimental, enthusiastic youth? Today I want to examine how to have sex with yourself in ways that go far beyond masturbation.
Beyond Touch: Psychological Creativity
We’ve all heard that the mind is a very powerful thing. Can that power be used to enhance solo sex, to the point where it doesn’t involve touch at all?
Investigating touchless sex has been mind-blowing. Having sex with yourself doesn’t have to mean focusing on the obvious hot-spots of your body, and needn’t involve physical touch at all.
It might be about breath, imagination, mirror time, music, movement. Sometimes it’s about fantasy. Other times I enjoy lying still and letting myself feel desire without rushing to fix or finish it. I know nobody is watching, I’m not performing for anyone, or impatiently hurtling towards orgasm. I’m just… being, and curious.
When I talk about having sex with yourself in ways beyond masturbation, I’m talking about being fully psychologically present. About mindful awareness, permission, presence and multi-layered sensation. There is no goal except the acknowledgement that you are enough to show up for, and to allow yourself to feel whatever may come.
My Suggestions for Erotic Self-Exploration
Every single person on this planet is beautifully unique, so I don’t want to give you some sort of how-to guide with fixed steps. Our individual sexuality is ours alone, so think of my suggestions as inspo for your imagination. I hope at least one of them speaks to you on a personal, erotic level.
Create a harmonious atmosphere
Put that pile of laundry away, turn the lights down to a soft, comforting glow and include your favourite scent in the form of an aromatic candle, wax melt or reed diffuser. Pamper yourself first with an ‘everything’ shower or luxurious bath. Prioritise yourself for once; you deserve to feel your very best.
This is your time, so let it feel sacred. Set the mood the same way you might for a lover, but with the knowledge that this space is just for you. When your self-play space feels calm and inviting, it’s easier to relax, properly tune in to your senses, and welcome intense pleasure.
Touch yourself, but not there
Introduce touch that isn’t about sex. Steer clear of your erogenous or overtly sexual areas, exploring other parts of your body’s landscape instead. You’ll be surprised how psychologically receptive you are as your fingertips slowly snake across your tummy, the love you feel as you take time over brushing your hair and massaging your scalp, the reassuring affection felt through lovingly embracing your own shoulders.
Non-sexual skin-on-skin touch, to yourself, with no typical masturbation happening… a wave of self-love will echo through your subconscious with surprising effects.
Let your breath lead the way
Breathwork is a powerful tool. The way you breathe has an immediate physical effect – on your heart rate, but also has a grounding, calming effect on your mind.
Let your breath lead the way during sessions when you learn how to have sex with yourself. Pay attention to how your desire level changes when you slow and deepen your breathing, and how it builds when you hold it still for a few moments. You may be surprised at how your body reacts, your hips moving of their own accord, your breasts or nipples feeling sensually receptive.
Relish the ritual
Ritual is widely considered to be a fundamental part of the human experience, so it makes sense to include a ritualistic approach when exploring sex with yourself that doesn’t involve your typically sexual areas.
You might enjoy exploring yourself at the same time every week, when you have the time and privacy to do so without interruption or distraction, or simply begin the session the same way each time. I like to lean into the ritualistic approach heavily, feeling a personal connection to the historically revered energy of the Divine Feminine.
Choose a special outfit that makes you feel like a deity or monarch. Light candles which are especially purchased and kept for these sacred self-exploration sessions. Begin with a prayer or mantra to yourself, whether just in your mind or spoken aloud. Approach your body with gentleness, compassion, reverence and curiosity. Undress slowly or keep your clothes on and let the fabric tease and toy with you. Become your own most devoted lover.
Marvel in the mirror
You’ve probably heard the ‘sex tip’ about masturbating with a mirror, but how can mirrors enhance masturbation-zone-free sex with yourself?
As a woman trying to unlearn all the toxic conditioning around my body, from fat phobia and diet culture to ageism and the urge to compare myself to filtered models and influencers, I’ve ended up with a pretty complicated relationship with mirrors. It’s all part of my ongoing journey towards, well, not shouting from the rooftops about how much I love myself, accepting myself in all my real, wrinkled, cellulite-y, 40+ glory.
So, I get it. Mirrors can be hard. I find it easier in an outfit or lingerie that boosts my confidence, and the fabric can be adjusted to cover any parts I’m not ready to be confronted with. But watching how I move, how my fingers explore receptive areas of my body that are not my sexual parts, how I can actively love myself… it’s a powerful, transformative experience.
Feel the rhythm
In the same vein as the previous suggestion, why not move for yourself? Literally dance like nobody’s watching. Whether it’s through headphones or letting your boudoir fill with sound, enjoy actively engaging with the rhythm.
Both gentle and passionate movement will directly arouse your body in natural ways. Your heart rate increases, skin flushes as blood is pumped, breath quickens and the dopamine centre in your brain is activated. Feel the beat, embrace the heat.
Sensual self-control
Strict commands, teasing manipulation, cruel denial. These are well-known elements of D/s power exchange dynamics – but is there a way to include them during sex with yourself? Absolutely.
I would advise extreme caution when it comes to self-bondage, but other parts of BDSM power dynamics can be tailored for self-play. Send yourself an email with kinky orders to be carried out. Set yourself challenging goals (such as accepting yourself fully naked in the mirror or recording yourself dancing suggestively) to complete over the course of weeks, or months. Be the Dominant and the submissive. Let your mind take control, while you enjoy the revelations and the ride.
Unleash your fantasies
When it comes to fantasies, the old adage is true: the only limit is your own imagination. Book some quiet reflective time with yourself to properly consider what your personal fantasies are. They might be overtly sexual, but themes might also include things you wish you could change about yourself, such as being more confident, more adventurous, more independent.
If you could be a different person, who would it be – and why? What qualities do they have that you feel are missing in yourself? Write these reflections down in a private journal or document. Read them aloud to yourself, so you really hear how you would like to gently adjust, in your own words.
Of course, there’s also masses of erotic potential in exploring more typical sexual fantasies. Listen to erotic audio if you prefer third party guidance. Or record yourself reading a favourite piece of erotica, then play it back to yourself during solo tantric sessions.
Bump ‘n grind
Although this article is examining touch-free sex with yourself, there are a few ways to include the joy of contact without ‘giving in’ and heading to sexual-zone stimulation. Fans of frottage know how hot it feels to grind through clothing, whether that’s slow movement against a pillow, or riding the edge of a chair. Keeping your clothes on during sex has been a fascination for me for many years, so why not enjoy that heightened urgency & tension during solo sessions as well?
Props can be used to deliver different sensations to exposed parts of your body. Trailing ribbons over your psychologically aroused skin, a gentle sweep of delicate lace across your thigh, a cool beaded necklace playing across your collarbone… Close your eyes and give yourself entirely to the unusual but surprisingly erotic sensations.
Ride the edge
I’m a big fan of edging in masturbation, because it’s an effective arousal tool which often leads to an explosively powerful orgasm. As a cock-chastity-loving Domme in the FemDom scene, I will often instruct a slave to edge themselves for me, then deny their piteous pleas for orgasmic release. Can edging be included in sex-free-zone sex with yourself? Ohh yes.
Without touching your intimate or erogenous zones, areas you’d normally focus on during masturbation, let your fingertips travel over other areas. Get as close to your hotspots as you dare, denying yourself the usual pleasure. Slowly, deliberately, intentionally graze between your thighs, right up to the heat-emanating apex without sexual contact, as if you were the world’s cruellest kinky masseuse. Skip over your sexual centre, instead landing gently on your tummy and travelling up towards your breasts, your nipples, but stopping short and allowing yourself to fully embrace the psychological thrill as you do so.
Tune in with tantra
Tantric self-pleasure provides another form of intimate connection with yourself. It’s not about the well-worn path to an orgasmic destination; it’s about exploring the energy within your body. Focus on breath, presence and the subtle sensations that build as you move or stay still. Let your hands explore places you often overlook and notice how arousal shifts and expands in unexpected ways.
Remember, none of this is about your performance, or trying to reach a goal. It’s about slowing down, tuning in and being fully present with yourself in that moment.
Conversations with Yourself
Do you ever talk to yourself? I do… and I don’t mean just in my head, either. Recently, I’ve been trying to change how I speak to myself, because I realised it had become a way in which I reinforced harmful attitudes about myself. Having a gentle, compassionate approach is slowly having a beneficial effect, both mentally and physically.
I can’t recall how many times over the years, as a sex blogger, that I’ve reiterated the importance of communication. That has always involved someone else; but it’s just as important to communicate frequently, honestly, openly, and kindly with yourself. Whether that’s out loud or in your head.
Perhaps magic will happen through those whispers to yourself when you’re fully turned on. Maybe it will be through the soft, gentle encouragement to yourself, to try something new next time, something a little bit scary but which you know you can achieve. It could be in the form of rebellious defiance, a refusal to feel even the tiniest bit guilty for taking up space, for booking time out just for you and for daring to count yourself important enough to fully, intimately, physically and psychologically, love.
Embrace the desire that speaks in your mind, that voice which you usually tune out or switch off. Enjoy becoming someone who is erotically provocative, braver, freer and unapologetically sensual.
In Conclusion
Your approach to having sex with yourself will obviously be as individual as you are. There isn’t any one correct way to make love to yourself; for you it could look like a sizzling striptease in the mirror that you record and watch later, or it could mean laying fully clothed on the bed and daring to let yourself hear your own previously repressed fantasies.
Give yourself permission to show up for yourself, to desire, to embrace the self-arousal and connection. Not necessarily for a quick wank and knee-buckling orgasm, but for something beyond masturbation. Are you ready to explore self-stimulation which avoids traditional erogenous zones? It’s over to you. How will you have sex with yourself?
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