What is a Female Led Relationship really like?

by Giles English

What is a Female Led Relationship really like? Pretty normal, actually.
Well, sort of normal.

I’m typing this wearing a male chastity device and I don’t get an orgasm until Monday. We haven’t had penetrative sex for a couple of years, but I do get regular beatings depending on how many demerits I’ve clocked up. Oh and Xena once made me go for 152 days without an orgasm…

And Xena’s in charge.

Really in charge.

You know how people used to joke, “She wears the trousers in that marriage”?

Well it’s usually a nice dress or a pair of jeans, but that’s Xena.

If she says, “Put the trash out,” I put the trash out. If she says, “Fetch me a cup of tea,” I fetch her a cup of tea.  If she says, “go down on me,” I do, then she goes to sleep and I’m left kneeling there hard and frustrated in my chastity device.

Let’s back up a bit.

what it's like living in a Female Led Relationship Giles English

We’ve been in a Female Led Relationship for just over two years. Female Led means just that: my wife Xena is the leader, not just when we play at Femdom, but all the time. (And it follows that we don’t really play at Femdom, but I’ll get to that.)

There’s plenty of kink in the bedroom, but outside the bedroom, things aren’t really so different from “vanilla” relationships where one partner dominates.

Be honest! Most relationships are more asymmetrical than they are supposed to be. One partner usually leads, the other facilitates.  It’s not a gender thing – I can be either sex, and it doesn’t have to be a straight couple.

Asymmetrical couples claim that it’s because on partner cares about stuff more than the other… Partner A is easy going, but Partner B likes the house a certain way, is particular about when and how to have sex. They also claim that  one partner has a more demanding job… Partner A works part-time and doesn’t really bring in the big bucks while Partner B is an executive or runs a business so naturally everything resolves around supporting them.

However, people choose and shape their own relationships, and they also forge their own careers! The truth has to be that most individuals gravitate toward a dominant or submissive role within a relationship.

That doesn’t mean that everybody is kinky. Just that – as I said – one partner usually likes to lead and the other usually prefers to facilitate. The snag is that if neither partner quite admits to it, there can be friction around respect and autonomy.

That’s how we were for quite a few years and it triggered a lot of rows.

Xena felt annoyed about having to ask politely for things that were hers by right – since she’s the breadwinner, it’s only fair that she comes home to a tidy house. I made things worse because I felt I should push back so that she would respect me… and because I was fighting my submissive urges…

Xena: Please could you clean the house today?

Giles: I’m kind of busy chasing this contract.

Xena: Grr. It needs doing! And I can’t do it because I’m out at work all day, EARNING MONEY TO PAY THE MORTGAGE.

Giles: Grr! Bloody hell… I’m trying to earn some money too!

After a bit of a shouting match.

Giles: Well OK I guess I can fit it in.

And…

Xena: Fetch me a cup of tea, please.

Giles: But I’m comfy!

Xena (cute voice): Pretty please… for wifey?

Giles (laughing): OK…

It was pretty much the same with the sex. Though it’s taken me a while to admit it, I have always been sexually submissive.

chastity device femdom Mistress BDSM KinkI introduced Xena to Femdom, but – once I focused the action on her needs – she quickly discovered she liked being in charge in bed and also developed a sadistic side. It stopped being a scripted game and started being something we did for real as much for her as  much as for me.

As we got older – perhaps due to me suddenly not earning very much – she lost interest in penetrative sex, but did enjoy keeping me in chastity, which was fine by me since I’ve had a lot of vanilla sex in my life but not nearly enough kink.

We’d have these conversations where we both wanted to do Femdom with male chastity but neither wanted to admit to it:

Xena: So what are you in the mood for tonight?

Giles: Depends on what you are in the mood for…?

And repeat.

Then we took a kinky sabbatical with Xena in charge, and never really came back from it. After a few weeks we agreed that Xena could be in charge for six months… that extended and extended and so here we are two years later.

Nothing really changed, though. It just got simpler…

Xena: Giles, can you clean the house today?

Giles: Yes. I’ll fit it in during my breaks.

And…

Xena: Please fetch me a cup of tea.

Giles: Your wish is my command!

And in the bedroom:

Xena: Rub my feet then go down on me.

Giles (who is locked in a chastity device): Yes, mistress.

How Our Female Led Relationship Works Day-To-Day

Day-to-day, we’re still a normal loving couple who enjoy each other’s company, hang out with friends, and like sharing experiences. The only real difference is that we don’t argue any more.

Yes, Xena has the final word, but then – to be honest—she always did; it’s just that I no longer feel the need to make her fight for it.

Yes, I wait on Xena – tea and footrubs on demand – but then I always did; it’s just that she no longer has to be cute to get personal service.

And, no – in case you were wondering —  when Xena comes home from work, I’m not there kneeling in the hallway naked except for my chastity device. Nor do I call her mistress all the time and dress as a French maid. Or whatever.

uber kinky flogger - female led relationship femdom BDSM kinkAnd if you look around, a lot of couples are like us without having a formal Female Led Relationship. As I said – outside sexy time, we’re really pretty normal.

Normal except for one detail, that is…

Xena can hand out demerits and penalty days.

We keep a clicker counter for each, handy in the bedroom. Demerits translate to strokes of the whip. Penalty days push back my weekly orgasm for a day.

Though I love the fact of discipline – I am a submissive after all – the experience is always just beyond what I would do for fun. When the demerits mount up, I feel excited but at the same time daunted. The penalty days are even worse, since orgasm denial turns me on unbearably, each extra day is extra unbearable.

This gives Xena the ultimate power in the relationship. She can hand out punishment for poorly done or missed chores – she loves no longer having to nag —  for irritating her, and once – memorably – for being dismissive of her in front of a friend.

She also sets targets for my work – sometimes I have an erotica writing campaign, for example – or for my personal improvement – I’ve lost a very necessary 20lbs this year already.

And this leads us to the bedroom.

We do have some bedtime Femdom “protocol”: I kneel in the corner awaiting orders, and don’t normally leave it until she has assigned penalty days and demerits. And I always address her as “Mistress” (her idea).

what it's like living in a female led relationship - feet heels tease orgasmsThis is really important for both of us. It reminds us of our roles, demonstrates my obedience, and grants Xena a sense of permission to give me orders; it’s not as if I’m doing anything more worthwhile!

On week nights, I generally put away her clothes then rub her feet in silence while she reads. Then we cuddle up and go to sleep – Oh did I say that I’m always locked in a chastity device overnight? At the weekend, sometimes things go a bit further and I get her off through oral sex… since her orgasms earn me penalty days, this is always just a but scary.

Every so often – anything from weekly to monthly – Xena decides to administer the demerits and I get my whipping. Invariably, this turns her on, and her orgasms cost me yet more penalty days. If I’m lucky and I’ve been good, she puts on something sexy to make the experience all the more exquisitely frustrating.

So what’s it really like living in a Female Led Relationship?

I’m truly happy for the first time in my life since puberty.

I’m not getting as much intense Femdom as I would like, but then who is? However I do get to perform service submission every night, getting horribly turned on and denied by default, and I wake up in chastity every single morning. Sometimes I remain locked in chastity for days on end and there’s always the looming prospect of a thorough whipping.

The kink also lets me follow her into parts of her life that would normally be off limits –  when she has to bring work home, or when she’s too mentally tired to interact, I can be there for her as a mute slave whereas a husband would be an annoyance.

It’s not just the kink. I like Xena being in charge. I always know where I stand, always know that I am making her life better.

This is what I’ve always wanted, or would have always wanted had I known about it.  Back when I was younger, it was either/or: bedroom-only Femdom or an unrealistic-sounding “lifestyle” Femdom relationship. If only Female Led Relationships had been an established option back when we got married! I like being owned by Xena and it turns out Xena likes owning me.

– Giles English

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About the writer: Giles English has written two Femdom self-help guides but these days focuses on weaving sizzling Femdom erotica with an awful lot of male chastity. Drop by his blog to read more about Femdom and Female Led Relationships.

5 COMMENTS

  1. My husband has just told me all he wants is to serve and please me. I am struggling with this as I always thought we had a very balanced relationship. We have not really had sex much in the past 2 years. During this time I have been trying to come to terms with his cross dressing! if all this was just in the bedroom I could cope but so worried it will ultimately tear us apart. He wants to call me mistress and for me to call him sissy boy. I would add since we have discussed this and tried it a little bit he has been like a new person much happier. So confused.

  2. Hi Carrie – your comment makes me wish I’d written a follow up on how FLRs work! (By way of credentials, here we are 3 years on from that article, and we’re still in a happy FLR pretty much as described.)

    There’s a bit of a feminist issue in Femdom, because malesubs tend to treat dominant women as fetish vending machines. It’s not entirely deliberate on their part. They tend to assume that submission is either whatever kink turns them on, or else crude role reversal. This gives us oddities like “he serves her by cross dressing and letting her penetrate him with a dildo.”

    In FLR – and bedroom kink where the power exchange is *real* – the woman gets what she wants, but using the agreed kinky tools available. So in our case, Xena gets a clean house to her standards through disciplining me, and various bedroom services, through giving me orders and accepting me as a slave in the first place.

    These kinky tools have to be ones the woman *wants* to use, or at least is comfortable with, and they have to make sense. For example, Xena can hardly punish me by making me kiss her feet – that’s a reward!

    So in your case – and bearing in mind we’re strangers and this isn’t a proper conversation over coffee, so I’m making guesses about you – first and foremost, if you are in charge then you get to have the relationship the way you want it, especially the sex.

    To this end, you need to take a Marie Kondo approach, and identify the things that give you a spark of joy. Divide these between reasonable – e.g. affectionate emotionally faithful partner who is good company – and unreasonable – e.g. long massages then you fall asleep, scrupulously clean home, or improvement goals for him; I bet he could do with losing weight and increasing his step count.

    The reasonable things are non negotiable. If your husband has wondered off into kink and forgotten them, then you need to lay down the law and demand them back.

    Then you have the unreasonable things, things you shouldn’t really expect out of an equal relationship. You get these through the kinky tools.

    Back to the kinky tools:

    You arrive at these by Marie Kondoing his kinks (and your own as you discover them). Sort them into
    -Reject pile
    -Things that support the dynamic.
    -Rewards for him
    -Punishments for him
    -Things you like doing that he’s stuck with.

    So, if you don’t enjoy him cross dressing – tough, he’s not allowed to cross-dress. Or perhaps it’s a reward only. If he’s been very good, he gets to clean the house while cross dressed.

    Or perhaps cross dressing supports the dynamic, and you can find more feminine but still male clothing for the bedroom.

    Some protocol, including “Mistress” makes sense as supporting the dynamic. However, that’s up to you – and being in charge – you can limit it to the bedroom. If you don’t want to call him “sissy boy”, then don’t. Or only use it when you’re punishing him and feeling cross anyway.

    Punishments – ideally these are things that turn him on, but which he would prefer to avoid. However, if he really pisses you off, make him go stand in the corner, or ban him from the internet or whatever.

    If this all sounds a bit harsh on him, the upside for him is that you would be exerting your authority: if he’s open to it, authentic power exchange is an almost painful turn on.

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