How It Feels Watching Your Partner Fuck Someone Else

By Cara Sutra  

How would you feel if you saw your partner fuck someone else? I guess for many the answer would be colourful variants of pissed off. Catch 5 minutes of a daytime TV chat show to watch lie detector frenzies and accusations of cheating descend into all-out battle. The reality, when we add in consent and pre-discussion, is more complex and nuanced. A partner having sex with someone else doesn’t always mean they’re cheating on you or that you’ll feel betrayed.

How It Feels Watching Your Partner Fuck Someone Else

Until I met the man I’m with now, I never imagined myself to be the sort of person who would watch a partner fuck someone else. But I have watched him fuck someone else, and I still love him, still respect him, and don’t hate myself or him for it. We still have an incredibly strong relationship.

Oh, you’re a swinger. No, I’m not a swinger. I have many friends who are swingers but I don’t identify as a swinger myself, and my partner tells me he isn’t a swinger either. When I met my partner, he was married to someone else. I actually started a relationship with her first, then him, and we were in a poly relationship for some years. During that time I watched him fuck her many times, and I watched him get fucked by and engage in sexual contact with another man, too.

So how did it feel? It’s complicated. No surprise there, I guess. I’ve spoken to swingers who are both soft swingers – who fuck other people only when their partner is present – and swingers who fuck other people without the need for their partner to be in the room. From what I have been told by swinger friends and from my own observations, it takes a strong relationship. That’s not to say non-swingers don’t have a strong relationship, just that if you’re interested in swinging it’s good to start from the base of a strong partnership founded on trust and absolute honesty, with consent being the foundation of every decision and action.

My feelings towards him fucking another woman are quite interesting when you compare before with after:

How I thought I’d feel

Betrayed, angry, sad, jealous.

How I actually felt

Aroused, happy he was being sexually satisfied in a different way (like a sexual form of compersion), confused, jealous.

For me, watching my partner fuck someone else or knowing he would fuck other (albeit specific) people was an agreed part of the relationship structure as it stood. That isn’t to say there was absolutely no jealousy or feelings which were difficult to deal with each time. I’d never been that person who could be comfortable watching, knowing about or agreeing to my partner fuck someone else. I’d been possessive and jealous in past relationships. But somehow, as a poly relationship set up, it was ok. I was definitely more comfortable about it when I could see it happening, when I was present, when I felt ‘part of the action’. The times I watched, it was more a threesome or foursome each time rather than him fucking another man or woman without me there or being involved. I still got my share, he still fucked me as well and made me feel that I wasn’t abandoned or neglected. That he still loved me. When he fucked the specific person or people without me present, I undoubtedly found it much more difficult to deal with, even though I trusted him, loved him and consented, and he was doing it with my permission.

Now we’re in a different relationship set-up. No longer part of the poly relationship, I don’t feel able or even like I want to be in a poly rel again. I could easily say ‘never again’ but I’ve said ‘never ever’ to so many things in my past and then went on to make a liar out of myself I’m loath to make any absolute statements these days. I’ll never get married. I’ll never have kids. I’ll never have kids with more than one man. I’ll never be poly. I’ll never get in a relationship with a man who already has kids to someone else. Wrong on all counts.

Right now, we’re in a mono hetero relationship. To us, this means he’s my only man and I’m his only woman. No, I’m not going to do a rendition of The Power Of Love, don’t worry.

It’s quite clear from this blog that I’m not exactly mono in a bisexual way. I do fuck women –with his knowledge and consent, but not with him present. It’s not some kind of threesome fantasy fulfilment for him or I. It’s that I feel a sexual need (but not emotional one – right now in any case) to be with a woman occasionally and it’s something my male-identified partner can’t help with. I wouldn’t want him to be present though. It would feel like I was fucking another woman for his benefit somehow, that it was for him rather than for me. He doesn’t want to be present either; he understands that this is a need I have which is separate to him.

Similarly, I’d be comfortable with him fucking a man. I know I seem to have gone a bit gender-binary here, but I’ll admit in this issue I find it difficult to look beyond types of anatomy. These are sexual needs I’m talking about, not emotional or relationship based, and so the attraction comes down to anatomical parts. Sure, this isn’t solely down to anatomy, but I believe the reason my male partner is OK with and understands my need to fuck women occasionally and why I’m OK with the idea of him fucking a man (after all I’ve watched it in the past) is because those types of sex offer something to each of us that we can’t provide for each other. Cock, balls, stereotypical man body for his bisexual side and womanly softness, curves and pussy and tits for mine. It’s why I know I identify as bisexual, not pansexual. My desires for women stem a lot of the time from anatomy and physical attraction and my partner has said similar about any attraction he feels for a man.

It’s not that we’re incapable of being in love with and/or in a relationship with anyone else, whether same and cis gendered or gender fluid, queer, trans… anyone, based on who they are, not the sum of their anatomical parts. It’s that we’re mono hetero in our relationship with each other, and the ‘other people fuckery’ comes down to needing to physically fuck someone else with the same anatomy as ourselves because of a strong physical attraction to it. There’s more to it of course; neither of us desire to just bang any same-sex person to ourselves that might walk by. But the physical attraction is what it comes down to. We’re not after a long term commitment, emotions or relationship from another person, just the occasional sex. Call me a slut? Fine, but I’m a consensual one.

Nowadays, I have conflicting thoughts on memories of my partner fucking another woman. At the time it was hot, sexy, part of the relationship. It was agreed upon with all of us – I wouldn’t have been happy with him fucking any other woman. Nowadays though, I wouldn’t be happy with him fucking any other woman at all, whether I’m present or not. Since the poly relationship ended, there is a sense that I don’t have to ‘share’ him any more, and I’m very glad about that. Was I ever ‘properly’ poly? Maybe not. There’s all sorts of questions about who exactly in the set up really was poly, if anyone, or if we just all happened to go along with things to avoid conflict. My partner would never have been happy with me fucking another man (& I didn’t want to, and still don’t), but was OK with his ex-wife doing it. Each relationship is different I guess.

Although my partner doesn’t watch me fuck someone else these days (women, I mean), I know he finds it hot that I do. He enjoys reading any blog posts I write about my liaisons – which, I hasten to add, are always consented to by my female partners before publication, otherwise obviously I wouldn’t post them. He hasn’t fucked another man since those times I watched him years ago, but I know I’d find it incredibly hot knowing that he did and thinking about him enjoying that aspect of his bisexuality. For the man I love to get a sexual need fulfilled that I’m unable to myself… it’s a pure sense of sexual empathy and happiness I think. It would be hotter still watching it happen, but I’d respect his need for privacy in this issue just as he respects mine. If I was invited to watch… well. It would be difficult to refuse. Down, inner perv.

Where I’m at now

How It Feels Watching Your Partner Fuck Someone Else

As is often the case, confusion lies at the core of my sexuality & emotions!

Thinking about him fucking another woman is a difficult one. On the one hand, when I think about it, I recoil from the idea. He’s mine, and I don’t want to share him. Never again (I’ve already spoken about me and never evers…). On the other, it’s something I enjoy fantasising about secretly. Being ‘forced’ to watch him fuck another woman. Making another woman orgasm while I’m watching in bondage, or some sexual predicament adding to his excitement. I know it’s one of those fantasies which exists purely because it is just fantasy, however. I know I couldn’t cope with the situation right now if it were to actually happen. I’m very aware that the reality of fantasies tend to be very different to the safe, secure, filtered housing of your mind. I can secretly pick and choose from the above Venn diagram for my masturbatory needs, safely keeping control of the ‘aroused’ and ‘happy he’s fulfilled’ part of the fantasy, with a kinky consensual dash of ‘jealousy’ for good masochistic measure.

The thing about fantasies is that whoever you choose to be part of them doesn’t ever get any say in proceedings. Everyone does exactly what you want, when you want, and they stop everything as soon as your desire for it fades. They’re not real people with real feelings and their own perceptions and choices, they’re just masturbatory muses.

How would you feel?

Thinking about if you saw your partner fuck someone else, or if they did it with your consent but without your presence, you might think you’ll feel either angry and betrayed OR happy and aroused. In reality, it could be any number of combinations of those feelings, with some extras thrown in.

How do you think you’d feel?

Would you feel comfortable with your partner having sex with someone else, whether you were present or not? Maybe it would be OK with a specific gender/anatomied person only? Or just a specific person you trust and would feel comfortable ‘sharing’ your partner with in this way. Perhaps you’re poly, so there’s a pre-agreement in the terms of your multiple relationships. Poly fidelity. Or maybe you’re a swinger, or know that swinging is a road you’d love to travel down with your partner – or with a future partner. It could be that you’d never be comfortable sharing your partner in a sexual way, whether you were present or not.

I’d love to hear your thoughts and even your experiences if you wish to share them, in the comments below.


How It Feels Watching Your Partner Fuck Someone Else

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13 Responses to “How It Feels Watching Your Partner Fuck Someone Else”

  1. supercutesecret

    This is actually a very interesting topic, so thanks for the article! I myself have watched my ex-partner use his hands and mouth on another girl but not penetrative sex (it was a threesome, so I was also involved). For me personally, I actually found watching him kiss someone else the hardest thing to watch. Like, to me that’s a more intimate activity that the sexual activities, so to see your partner have his eyes closed in that moment with someone else… it’s weird and ngl it did induce some jealousy. The actual hands and mouth part I could detach emotionally from that strangely, but I can separate the physical and emotional sides of sexual acts quite easily with ppl I feel nothing for anyway.

    I don’t think I’d ever engage in watching my partner with someone again, purely because it didn’t really do anything for me. I get a kick out of my partner only wanting me, it doesn’t particularly arouse me seeing them with someone else. That being said, in a perfect world, where I could be a selfish hypocrite, I would potentially engage in a MFM threesome, with the focus on me, but I wouldn’t ask that of a partner, because I know it isn’t fair for one rule for myself and another for them.

    • Cara Sutra

      Thanks for your comment, glad you liked the post 🙂
      It’s really interesting what you say about kissing. I’m the other way I think. Many people see kissing as cheating but I don’t, not for me/us. I wouldn’t feel too bothered about him kissing someone else, but the sex part is more difficult.

  2. asrai

    I am so very interested in non-monogamy. My partner is not right now.

  3. A Couple of Kinks

    This article is so amazing. It perfectly sums up the complicated emotions of any form of non-monogamy. Our emotions always surprise us but I feel like there are ways to set it up for success by talking to your partner and setting boundaries with everyone involved. I totally get the sentiment about the same anatomy and I’m happy to hear I’m not alone! But yeah… those fantasies 😉

    • Cara Sutra

      Hey, thanks for the comment! 🙂
      Yes it’s all very complicated – and I’m glad you got me about the different anatomy & attractions to them!
      Very happy to hear I’m not alone either 🙂

  4. Crazysexychica

    This is such a great piece. I have always tended to be more jealous than my partner and for the last few years we have had an agreement whereby we are completely open and honest about what/who we want and as long as it’s okay with everyone and we have permission we can do what we want basically. As a result my husband has been with another woman without me present, with my permission. It was only after that I realised I wasn’t thrilled with not being involved if he was with someone else. There were a few other complications as well and now we have rules for engaging in sex acts with others which helps on that side! My husband is the opposite, never jealous and has allowed me to spend the night with another man more than once and we have even had a MFM with someone. Knowing he isn’t jealous and trusts me to do what I want without it coming between us helps me be less jealous about what he wants. I think the key is having a partner that is okay with your needs and desires, they don’t always have to align perfectly, but you need to know without a doubt you’re important to them and they love you, no matter what.

    • Cara Sutra

      Thanks for your comment 🙂
      I’ve heard many times of people ‘finding their way’ in non-monogamy, it’s often not as straightforward, as easy, and as free from complex emotions as it can be made to appear to the outside.
      Glad you’ve worked through your issues and that you’re both enjoying an adventurous and happy sex life!

  5. Oonagh

    I find this really interesting I’m very turned on by the thought of watching my partner fuck someone else but I’ve never put it into practice as I don’t know what could or would happen!! I do play with myself while thinking about it thou.
    Great article keep em cuming :+)

  6. MrCMrsC

    We have been married for quite some time and only recently (the last 4 years) has this come up. We are in a Sub Dom relationship with MrsC being very Submissive. However it is only MrsC who is tucked by anyone else whilst I watch, video or join in. It is hard to explain the feeling I get when this happens, it is a mixture of jealousy that is quickly eclipsed by arousal and excitement. As much as she is allowed a free role, including kissing and full sex, it is only ever in my presence. The topic of other women has come up but MrsC is not sure how she would feel and I do not feel the need to duck anyone else. However we never say never and it is more likely that MrsC would engage with another woman first. This may seem strange but even in a Sub Dom relationship everyone has to be comfortable. We are very secure with each other and get great pleasure watching back the DVDs at a later date, usually playing with each other at the same time. It also gives me pleasure knowing that only I know exactly which buttons to press for the desired result.

  7. Bodhi

    ‘needing to physically fuck someone else with the same anatomy as ourselves because of a strong physical attraction to it’ really did it for me. It’s been a fantasy of mine for a while now. Did you ever blog about the time you watched your partner have sex with another man? If not, do you have any plans to?


Please share your thoughts!