Last Updated on 15 February, 2022 by Cara Sutra
How It Feels Watching Your Partner Fuck Someone Else
How would you feel if you saw your partner fuck someone else? I guess for many the answer would be colourful variants of pissed off. Catch 5 minutes of a daytime TV chat show to watch lie detector frenzies and accusations of cheating descend into all-out battle. The reality, when we add in consent and pre-discussion, is more complex and nuanced. A partner having sex with someone else doesn’t always mean they’re cheating on you or that you’ll feel betrayed.
Until I met the man I’m with now, I never imagined myself to be the sort of person who would watch a partner fuck someone else. But I have watched him fuck someone else, and I still love him, still respect him, and don’t hate myself or him for it. We still have an incredibly strong relationship.
Oh, you’re a swinger. No, I’m not a swinger. I have many friends who are swingers but I don’t identify as a swinger myself, and my partner tells me he isn’t a swinger either. When I met my partner, he was married to someone else. I actually started a relationship with her first, then him, and we were in a poly relationship for some years. During that time I watched him fuck her many times, and I watched him get fucked by and engage in sexual contact with another man, too.
So how did it feel? It’s complicated. No surprise there, I guess. I’ve spoken to swingers who are both soft swingers – who fuck other people only when their partner is present – and swingers who fuck other people without the need for their partner to be in the room. From what I have been told by swinger friends and from my own observations, it takes a strong relationship. That’s not to say non-swingers don’t have a strong relationship, just that if you’re interested in swinging it’s good to start from the base of a strong partnership founded on trust and absolute honesty, with consent being the foundation of every decision and action.
My feelings towards him fucking another woman are quite interesting when you compare before with after:
How I thought I’d feel
Betrayed, angry, sad, jealous.
How I actually felt
Aroused, happy he was being sexually satisfied in a different way (like a sexual form of compersion), confused, jealous.
For me, watching my partner fuck someone else or knowing he would fuck other (albeit specific) people was an agreed part of the relationship structure as it stood. That isn’t to say there was absolutely no jealousy or feelings which were difficult to deal with each time. I’d never been that person who could be comfortable watching, knowing about or agreeing to my partner fuck someone else. I’d been possessive and jealous in past relationships. But somehow, as a poly relationship set up, it was ok. I was definitely more comfortable about it when I could see it happening, when I was present, when I felt ‘part of the action’. The times I watched, it was more a threesome or foursome each time rather than him fucking another man or woman without me there or being involved. I still got my share, he still fucked me as well and made me feel that I wasn’t abandoned or neglected. That he still loved me. When he fucked the specific person or people without me present, I undoubtedly found it much more difficult to deal with, even though I trusted him, loved him and consented, and he was doing it with my permission.
Now we’re in a different relationship set-up. No longer part of the poly relationship, I don’t feel able or even like I want to be in a poly rel again. I could easily say ‘never again’ but I’ve said ‘never ever’ to so many things in my past and then went on to make a liar out of myself I’m loath to make any absolute statements these days. I’ll never get married. I’ll never have kids. I’ll never have kids with more than one man. I’ll never be poly. I’ll never get in a relationship with a man who already has kids to someone else. Wrong on all counts.
Right now, we’re in a mono hetero relationship. To us, this means he’s my only man and I’m his only woman. No, I’m not going to do a rendition of The Power Of Love, don’t worry.
It’s quite clear from this blog that I’m not exactly mono in a bisexual way. I do fuck women –with his knowledge and consent, but not with him present. It’s not some kind of threesome fantasy fulfilment for him or I. It’s that I feel a sexual need (but not emotional one – right now in any case) to be with a woman occasionally and it’s something my male-identified partner can’t help with. I wouldn’t want him to be present though. It would feel like I was fucking another woman for his benefit somehow, that it was for him rather than for me. He doesn’t want to be present either; he understands that this is a need I have which is separate to him.
Similarly, I’d be comfortable with him fucking a man. I know I seem to have gone a bit gender-binary here, but I’ll admit in this issue I find it difficult to look beyond types of anatomy. These are sexual needs I’m talking about, not emotional or relationship based, and so the attraction comes down to anatomical parts. Sure, this isn’t solely down to anatomy, but I believe the reason my male partner is OK with and understands my need to fuck women occasionally and why I’m OK with the idea of him fucking a man (after all I’ve watched it in the past) is because those types of sex offer something to each of us that we can’t provide for each other. Cock, balls, stereotypical man body for his bisexual side and womanly softness, curves and pussy and tits for mine. It’s why I know I identify as bisexual, not pansexual. My desires for women stem a lot of the time from anatomy and physical attraction and my partner has said similar about any attraction he feels for a man.
It’s not that we’re incapable of being in love with and/or in a relationship with anyone else, whether same and cis gendered or gender fluid, queer, trans… anyone, based on who they are, not the sum of their anatomical parts. It’s that we’re mono hetero in our relationship with each other, and the ‘other people fuckery’ comes down to needing to physically fuck someone else with the same anatomy as ourselves because of a strong physical attraction to it. There’s more to it of course; neither of us desire to just bang any same-sex person to ourselves that might walk by. But the physical attraction is what it comes down to. We’re not after a long term commitment, emotions or relationship from another person, just the occasional sex. Call me a slut? Fine, but I’m a consensual one.
Nowadays, I have conflicting thoughts on memories of my partner fucking another woman. At the time it was hot, sexy, part of the relationship. It was agreed upon with all of us – I wouldn’t have been happy with him fucking any other woman. Nowadays though, I wouldn’t be happy with him fucking any other woman at all, whether I’m present or not. Since the poly relationship ended, there is a sense that I don’t have to ‘share’ him any more, and I’m very glad about that. Was I ever ‘properly’ poly? Maybe not. There’s all sorts of questions about who exactly in the set up really was poly, if anyone, or if we just all happened to go along with things to avoid conflict. My partner would never have been happy with me fucking another man (& I didn’t want to, and still don’t), but was OK with his ex-wife doing it. Each relationship is different I guess.
Although my partner doesn’t watch me fuck someone else these days (women, I mean), I know he finds it hot that I do. He enjoys reading any blog posts I write about my liaisons – which, I hasten to add, are always consented to by my female partners before publication, otherwise obviously I wouldn’t post them. He hasn’t fucked another man since those times I watched him years ago, but I know I’d find it incredibly hot knowing that he did and thinking about him enjoying that aspect of his bisexuality. For the man I love to get a sexual need fulfilled that I’m unable to myself… it’s a pure sense of sexual empathy and happiness I think. It would be hotter still watching it happen, but I’d respect his need for privacy in this issue just as he respects mine. If I was invited to watch… well. It would be difficult to refuse. Down, inner perv.
Where I’m at now
As is often the case, confusion lies at the core of my sexuality & emotions!
Thinking about him fucking another woman is a difficult one. On the one hand, when I think about it, I recoil from the idea. He’s mine, and I don’t want to share him. Never again (I’ve already spoken about me and never evers…). On the other, it’s something I enjoy fantasising about secretly. Being ‘forced’ to watch him fuck another woman. Making another woman orgasm while I’m watching in bondage, or some sexual predicament adding to his excitement. I know it’s one of those fantasies which exists purely because it is just fantasy, however. I know I couldn’t cope with the situation right now if it were to actually happen. I’m very aware that the reality of fantasies tend to be very different to the safe, secure, filtered housing of your mind. I can secretly pick and choose from the above Venn diagram for my masturbatory needs, safely keeping control of the ‘aroused’ and ‘happy he’s fulfilled’ part of the fantasy, with a kinky consensual dash of ‘jealousy’ for good masochistic measure.
The thing about fantasies is that whoever you choose to be part of them doesn’t ever get any say in proceedings. Everyone does exactly what you want, when you want, and they stop everything as soon as your desire for it fades. They’re not real people with real feelings and their own perceptions and choices, they’re just masturbatory muses.
How would you feel?
Thinking about if you saw your partner fuck someone else, or if they did it with your consent but without your presence, you might think you’ll feel either angry and betrayed OR happy and aroused. In reality, it could be any number of combinations of those feelings, with some extras thrown in.
How do you think you’d feel?
Would you feel comfortable with your partner having sex with someone else, whether you were present or not? Maybe it would be OK with a specific gender/anatomied person only? Or just a specific person you trust and would feel comfortable ‘sharing’ your partner with in this way. Perhaps you’re poly, so there’s a pre-agreement in the terms of your multiple relationships. Poly fidelity. Or maybe you’re a swinger, or know that swinging is a road you’d love to travel down with your partner – or with a future partner. It could be that you’d never be comfortable sharing your partner in a sexual way, whether you were present or not.
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