Can’t Achieve Vaginal Orgasms?
I recently received an email from a gentleman requesting some sex advice. This isn’t unusual in itself, but this email was so multi-faceted that I promised the correspondent a full analysis with my opinions here on the blog. The main issue? His wife can’t achieve vaginal orgasms. Having heard similar worries and complaints both from women and their partners in the past, I wanted to write about my thoughts on this issue at length.
First of all, here’s the enquiry I received:
Core of the problem is that my wife can’t achieve vaginal orgasm. I do understand that reasons for it might be psychological (very shy of her body and very tight upbringing) as well as medical (age and extra weight) but I want to cover “wake-up” techniques with best technology there is. Which finally brings me to a question – from your perspective as a seasoned toy reviewer, what toys are best to use in an attempt to “wake up” vaginal orgasm? I’d be grateful for any insights.
First of all, I’m going on the hopeful assumption that the lack of vaginal orgasm is a problem to the gentleman’s wife, rather than only perceived as a ‘problem which needs fixing’ from the guy’s point of view. If the lady in question does indeed see this as a problem and would like to find a solution, then it makes sense to reach out for help.
Secondly, the question is raised about whether the lack of vaginal orgasm is a psychological or an anatomical problem. This is an insightful point to weigh up, as there is certainly a psychological aspect to sexual pleasure, and therefore in many cases the ability to achieve orgasm, as well as just the anatomical stimulation side.
Let’s tackle these two areas to begin with.
Is It Really A Problem?
Is the fact that a person can’t achieve vaginal orgasms really a problem? Perhaps it seems like a problem, if you used to be able to, but can’t any more. Or if you feel pressure to achieve vaginal orgasm; whether that’s pressure from your own mind, or because of society’s expectations and media influence about how people should perform sexually, or (but hopefully not) pressure from a partner that you should be able to orgasm in this way.
If part of your sex life is upsetting you, then that’s the problem. The fact you’re upset over it, the fact that it’s affecting your happiness and therefore your sex life. Do I see the lack of achieving vaginal orgasm as a problem in itself, ie. a medical problem? Not at all.
I don’t achieve vaginal orgasms either – vaginally penetrative sex or using classic dildos or vibrators don’t bring me to a vaginal orgasm. I won’t even say I ‘can’t’ achieve vaginal orgasm in these ways… because that assumes I’m trying, or that I feel less sexually because of the lack of this ability. I don’t. I’m very happy to experience sexual pleasure in other ways – I can orgasm easiest from clitoral stimulation but have also been known to orgasm anally as well as from a specific type of g-spot stimulation. I also enjoy sex sessions with my partner without any orgasms at all; just enjoying exploring one another physically as well as the erotic possibilities of our combined kinky minds, an illicit intimacy which is both thrilling and fulfilling.
Psychological or Anatomical?
Is the reason not being able to achieve vaginal orgasms psychological or anatomical? I’m extremely reluctant to say there is any type of reason for the lack of vaginal orgasm, because this assumes there must be a reason, because all people with vaginas should definitely able to achieve vaginal orgasm, and if you don’t then there’s a problem. This simply isn’t true.
I don’t believe vaginal orgasms are something which innately exist in vagina-owning sexually active adults, therefore I don’t believe they are something which lie ‘dormant’ and can be ‘woken up’ by some magical technique or sex aid.
That said, people who are not currently experiencing vaginal orgasms may be able to discover new stimulation techniques which work for them personally, and come to learn how to achieve vaginal orgasm through this exploration and trying different things. That’s all part of learning what works for you –but if you have a specific aim –like vaginal orgasm- and nothing seems to work for you, don’t sweat it.
There can definitely be psychological barriers to orgasm, however, in these situations the psychological barrier tends to stop any and all type of orgasm rather than a specific type like vaginal only. In my opinion it would be unusual for there to be a psychological barrier preventing vaginal orgasm in particular.
Are there anatomical reasons why vaginal orgasms seem impossible to achieve? I’ve spoken to women large and small, young or old, who find vaginal orgasm easy or impossible. I believe vaginal orgasm through sexual penetration (via partner or toys) is simply an individual thing and isn’t a capability which is ‘lessened’ through age or weight. In fact, there are several older sexually active women and many queen-sized sexual sirens I can think of who would be incredibly insulted at the assumption that age and/or weight has a negative impact on orgasm ability or sexual capability/enjoyment in general.
Can Sex Toys Help?
Could sex toys help with achieving vaginal orgasms? Certainly –as part of general exploration of yourself and your sexual stimulation likes/dislikes, sex toys could surprise you by pushing your particular button in just the right way.
I couldn’t advise on any particular sex toy which will definitely provide a vaginal orgasm, just as I couldn’t guarantee that my absolute favourite sex toy of the moment will work for everybody else out there. Just as we’re all beautifully unique individuals when it comes to our psychology and aesthetics, so too with our sexual stimulation likes and dislikes, and what is effective for us personally.
Exploration is always recommended. Open-minded exploration without pressure, without specific hard aims, without feeling like you’ve ‘failed’ if you don’t do a certain thing or orgasm in a certain way. Just enjoy the ride!
Do you know how often I get asked my recommendations on a classic vibrator or a phallic dildo? Barely ever. In fact, I can’t ever remember being asked about these types of sex toy. Sure, they exist, and I don’t mind using a penetrative sex toy –along with something else like a clitoral vibe or vibrating anal plug. Or both, why not. I’ll never go and masturbate using a vaginal-only sex toy, and I doubt I’ll ever orgasm from using a vaginally penetrative dildo. Like I say, I don’t orgasm in this way –and that’s absolutely fine with me.
But you know what, this isn’t just a weird and wacky Cara Sutra thing. Most vagina-owning people out there don’t orgasm simply from vaginal penetration*. I know, right? The media would have you believe that women are just craving a pussy-rogering every moment of the day and that they require nothing else but a large phallus shoved up there in order to noisily climax around it. This is about as realistic as white butt holes and nipples which stay pointing skywards during rough missionary and waking up with perfect make-up after a heavy night of fisting and bukkake. The truth of the matter, as proven by countless surveys and endless research, is that most vagina-owning people don’t come from vaginal penetration alone. It’s unusual to do so. If you don’t orgasm from vaginal penetration, you’re not weird. You’re normal.
That’s not to say there isn’t a place for classic vibes and phallic dildos. And I don’t just mean inside your vagina, I mean in your sex life in general. If you’d like to add a little internal thrust to your masturbation or shared intimacy sessions, then a twist-base classic vibrator or appropriately sized realistic dildo can be extremely fun.
Not-So-Secret Secret Button
Fairly shortly after the first email enquiry, I received a follow-up with some more information:
Just a detail for the fuller picture. I stumbled (literally) on some spot inside her vagina a several years ago (yes, I know how it sounds) that brought her different kind of pleasure, more “deep” than clitoral stimulation (her words) when she was already quite aroused, but I lost it almost immediately and [been] searching for it ever since, through use of various toys (quite a bag already), techniques but to no avail. I’m really desperate for help at this point.
It’s true! There certainly is an area inside the vagina which, when stimulated, can provide incredible levels of sexual pleasure. While simple penetration of the vagina can feel… nice, but certainly not orgasmic by itself (unless you’re one of the aforementioned minority), precise stimulation of this spot in particular can be incredibly effective and yes, can lead to powerful orgasms. Again, this type of orgasm is experienced by some people with vaginas, and certainly shouldn’t be seen as a default ability which means something is wrong if it doesn’t work.
It’s possible that the ‘spot’ accidentally stumbled upon was, in fact, the G-spot. This is short for Gräfenberg spot, named for German gynecologist Ernst Gräfenberg. There is also the A-spot (anterior fornix erogenous zone), which is a little further back. We’ll save that one for another day; let’s take a closer look at the G-spot and how its stimulation can provide mind-blowing levels of sexual pleasure.
G-Spot Sex Toys
If it was the G-spot that was accidentally located and so happily stimulated, there certainly are sex toys which can help to relocate it and stimulate it once again. The G-spot is in an awkward place to try and locate then stimulate by hand (fingers), especially if a woman is trying to stimulate it by herself, so G-spotting sex toys have been created to make the task easier and therefore more fun for everyone involved.
The female G-spot is usually located anywhere between 2.5 to 4 inches inside the vagina, on the upper wall of tissue (the ‘roof’ of the vagina, if that’s easier to visualise). It’s a spongy type of area, with a ridged surface.
Because of its location and how awkward it can be to find by yourself –or to try and explain to a partner where exactly it is- G-spot sex toys can provide blissful relief. These toys are specially angled, or have a curved tip, kinda like how posh toothbrushes are specially angled for those ‘hard to reach’ places. The G-spot is definitely a hard to reach place (but put that toothbrush down).
Some people enjoy having their G-spot firmly rubbed, which could be in a back and forth or circular motion. Some like vibrating stimulation against the area, whether teasing pulses or powerful ripples of vibration. The most effective style of G-spot stimulation for me personally is a combination of vibration and a come-hither, beckoning motion against my G-spot. I don’t orgasm from G-spot stimulation easily, or often, so finding a sex toy which works for me in this regard has been a rare occurrence.
Best G-Spot Sex Toys
Ok- so I shouldn’t really call them the ‘best’ g-spot sex toys as we’re all different, but these are certainly my favourites and they work for me.
Njoy Pure Wand
The Njoy Pure Wand is famous for its g-spot stimulation efficiency and with good reason. This solid stainless steel sculpture from Njoy isn’t only a work of art, it’s sensually curved to locate the g-spot with ease, while the rounded ends feel delicious during that internal massage. Because it’s steel, it’s not only non-porous and waterproof, but you can use any type of lube you like. You can also cool it down further in cold water before use for thrilling chills, or warm it up in warm water if you prefer it pre-warmed.
Jopen Key Comet 2
I found the best way to experience g-spot orgasms with the Jopen Key Comet 2 was up on my knees, legs spread apart. The dramatic angle of the tip means it finds my g-spot immediately, while the vibrations add an orgasmic dimension unlike using a static g-spot toy. It’s silicone so it’s completely body safe and non-porous, surprisingly lightweight during use plus offers rechargeable power and is fully waterproof.
LELO INA Wave
I’m loath to recommend a LELO toy as I disagree with their ethics, but I have to admit that one of my fave g-spot toys is this the INA Wave. This rechargeable vibrator has a ‘beckoning motion’ to the internal part, which just gets me right there instantly, every time. Plus, I love that the INA has an external clitorally stimulating area –although if you only want the internal ‘beckoning’ and vibrating part, the MONA Wave might be more your thing. The INA Wave absolutely blew me away when I first tried it, and I still can’t get over how effective that motion + vibration is.
They’re my absolute favourite G-spot sex toys, but special mentions have to go to:
- Ann Summers Moregasm+ G-Spot Vibrator (review of an older version / buy the latest version)
- Je Joue UMA (read my review / buy USA / buy UK)
- Swan Wand Vibrator (read my review / buy USA / buy UK)
- Fun Factory Stronic Drei (read my review / buy USA / buy UK)
Enjoy Sex Without The Pressure
To reiterate: there aren’t any sex toys out there which can guarantee to give you any type of orgasm. Also, the inability to orgasm form vaginal penetration alone isn’t proof of a medical or psychological problem; it’s actually the standard.
To enjoy a better sex life, thoroughly educate yourself about anatomy and sexuality, as well as the different types of sex toys available. Sex toys certainly aren’t the solution to sexual dissatisfaction and they’re not a replacement for a partner or a happy sex life – I view them as great seasoning, an optional pinch of spice. Learning as much as you can about the realities of sex and anatomy puts you in the best place to progress with your sexual exploration and adventures, whether they’re solo or shared.
Remember that sex isn’t only about orgasms. Great sex doesn’t even need to include an orgasm. Bad sex definitely includes pressure and stress, however. Don’t feel obligated, and definitely don’t make anyone else feel obligated, to have an orgasm or to perform in any other specific way during sex. As well as just being rude, this kind of pressure will likely result in the exact opposite to the sensually satisfying scenario you’re seeking.
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Vice.com reported on a study published in the The Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy:
“18 percent of women … said that vaginal penetration alone was enough to come”.
Psychologytoday.com discuss a comprehensive analysis of 33 studies over the past 80 years by Elisabeth Lloyd in her fascinating book The Case of the Female Orgasm (Harvard University Press):
“Only 25 percent of women are consistently orgasmic during vaginal intercourse”.
medicalnewstoday.com takes a look at a study by Prof. Osmo Kontula – from the Population Research Institute at the Family Federation of Finland in Helsinki – which asked more than 8,000 women in Finland about their sexual experiences.
“Prof. Kontula found that in 2015, only 6 percent of women said that they always had an orgasm during penile-vaginal intercourse.”
metro.co.uk provide a sassy opinion piece dispelling the notion that vaginal penetration is ‘everything’ during sex, as well as a look at a study by OMGYes:
“A recent study from OMGyes found that just 18% of women can orgasm from penetration alone (again, this isn’t surprising or new. Countless other studies have found similar results), and that 36% of women need clitoral stimulation to have a chance of climaxing.”