Let’s smash the myth that using lube is shameful. Instead of a guilt-ridden back-up plan you reluctantly reach for, we need to recognise lube as the sexuality star it is. Sexual lubricant should be used with enthusiasm and pride; it’s a pleasure tool which makes pretty much every kind of sex activity feel better. It adds glide to the ride, transforms sticky moments into erotic slipperiness. Needing lube isn’t a sign you’re broken – it means that you prioritise comfort and sensuality in your sex life.
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I have the same attitude to lube as I do candles or music. There’s no guilt involved; it’s a helper during sex, something which increases pleasure. And I mean increases the pleasure for everyone involved, whether I’m enjoying a solo play session (solo masturbation guides) or foreplay, intimacy and sex with my partner.
Worry is the enemy of arousal; desire becomes difficult to pin down and play with when you’re harbouring negativity about a simple sex essential. Drop your guilt, fear and concerns about using lube during sex and you will find that sexual pleasure flows easier, more powerfully and with less distraction than before.
Why Needing Lube Is Normal
Our bodies are unique. Differences in hydration, hormones, medications, bodily cycles, stress, age and even the time of day can affect how much natural lubrication shows up. Expecting your body to deliver the same slickness each and every time, all the way through your life, is like expecting to wake up in the same sunny mood every morning of your life. Some days you just need a little extra help, and that’s both normal and nothing to be ashamed of.
Bodies Are Not Machines
We’re human, not faucets*: our natural lubrication isn’t an on-off switch affair. It can build with arousal, retreat with nerves and fluctuate for various reasons that have nothing to do with desire. Treating lube as a routine element of the pleasure removes the pressure to reach a specific level of wetness, allowing you to lay back and simply enjoy the entire erotic experience.
In any case, not every part of the human anatomy involved with sexual exploration and enjoyment creates its own lubrication. There are plenty of other ways to experience sexual pleasure than just via PiV sex. Your preferred sexual activity might not even feature a penis. Or a vagina. Or either of them.
Related: Discover ways to enjoy non-penetrative pleasure
Wetness Is Not a Measure of Arousal
The idea that you can tell how aroused someone is by how wet they are is a myth in itself. Plenty of people can be incredibly turned on without producing much natural lubrication, while others can be sopping for various other reasons than sexual arousal.
Your body isn’t a scoreboard, sex isn’t a competitive performance, and no comparisons or judgements should be made. Sexual fulfilment is about being held in vulnerability, being your authentic self, welcoming all the sensations you desire and feeling perfectly safe throughout, not hitting moisture targets. Lube is a simple and easily accessible tool which bridges a gap, allowing your body and mind to flow unhindered towards complete satisfaction.
Why People Need Lube (Even When Turned On)
It’s easy to forget scientific truths whilst we’re busy judging ourselves. Even when someone is massively turned on, friction can outpace naturally produced lubrication. Longer sex sessions, sex toys, barriers like condoms, engaging in anal play and even certain positions create more drag, which means more friction and more chance for moisture to evaporate.
Lube is the obvious solution, reducing that drag so that everyone involved can experience the smooth, pleasant, erotic sensations without any *needle-scratch* moments.
Hormones, Stress and Everyday Life
So many things have an impact on the production and amount of natural lubrication. Certain types of contraception, medications, postpartum changes, breastfeeding, perimenopause and being post menopause, just for a start. Stress and exhaustion also encourage your body to retain moisture rather than being free and easy with natural wetness.
Using lube means you have access to immediate, sensational glide without guilt or forcing your body to attempt something it isn’t capable of right now. And the psychological suffering as well as physical discomfort that engenders.
Different Bodies, Different Baselines
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: we’re all different. That means some people just naturally produce less lubrication. Others produce loads at the start but need a helping hand (of lube) later. Whatever the case for you, needing lube isn’t weird and it’s nothing to be ashamed of or worried about.
Keeping lube within reach reassures you that sensation can remain consistent. You don’t have to rush through things or feel forced to quit your pleasure sesh when the glide disappears.
Longer or Rougher Play Needs More Support
As I mentioned at the start of this section, longer sexual pleasure sessions mean natural moisture can evaporate due to friction and heat. Needing lube at those times isn’t weird or abnormal, it’s scientific fact. Using textured toys and high-friction positions also benefit from a slathering of extra glide to protect delicate tissue and keep everything deliciously sensual.
Related: Our dildo reviews and vibrator reviews
Lube also prevents irritation and micro-tears. This means you’re not only comfortable in the heat of the moment, you stay protected and comfortable after playtime has ended, too.
Lube is a Pleasure Tool, not a Backup Plan
It helps to think of lube like a volume dial for sensation. The erotic glide it provides allows your body to relax, which in turn amplifies the pleasure you feel. When you’re not bracing against sudden discomfort, scratchiness and dry friction, your nerves settle into welcoming all of the positive stimulation.
Comfort Increases Sensation
No two ways about it, discomfort or pain during sex is a distraction you can’t ignore. Ultimately, it’s a complete turn-off. Just a few drops of lube can turn your winces of pain into growls of lust. Meanwhile, your mind stops monitoring for discomfort and surrenders fully to erotic bliss.
Related: Discover more pain-free sexual comfort tips
Lube Helps You Focus on Your Priorities
Lube stops you worrying about whether your body will have adequate glide, meaning you can focus on your psychological readiness and specific desires for the pleasure session instead. All too often, physical lubrication is seen as the one and only sign that someone is ‘ready for sex’, but this isn’t true at all.
Tip: Use erotic books to get in the mood for sex, or try aphrodisiac foods to boost libido
Using lube removes this element entirely. This means that during solo sex you can play your way; slowly or quickly, gently or vigorously, while your mind seeks out and settles on your favourite erotic fantasy. During partnered sex there are no assumptions that someone is ‘ready’ simply due to wetness levels, meaning more attention should be paid to each person’s mood, body language and other communicative signals of desire.
Choosing the Right Kind of Lube
What is the best lube to use for sex? That depends entirely on your body, lube preferences, the type of sexual activity and more. There is no top of the leader board universal winner in the world of lube.
👉 Get the low-down in my complete guide to sex lubes
One of my favourite brands: Sliquid Lubes. Buy yours at Lovehoney US or Lovehoney UK.
Here’s a brief overview of the main types of lubes:
Water-Based Lubes
Water-based lube is compatible with all sex toys as well as condoms. People with vulvas may find they are sensitive to formulations which include glycerine, so check the ingredients. There are many vulva-safe water-based lubes, my pussy pampering faves are from Sliquid and System JO.
Due to the water element evaporating over time and through heat, water-based lube may need reapplication mid-play. That said, the convenience and compatibility make it a great all-rounder. Choose a pump-top dispenser bottle for minimal interruption and faff.
👉 Read my water-based lubes guide
Silicone-Based Lubes
Silicone lubes are extra long-lasting, as they don’t have water content. Therefore, they don’t dissipate or evaporate during extended foreplay and sex, or marathon masturbation sessions. If you don’t want to have to stop and reapply, or you love bathroom-based sex sessions, silicone lubricant is the ideal choice.
If you’re using sex toys, make sure your lubricant is compatible with the sex toy material. Silicone lubes degrade lower quality & porous sex toy materials such as latex, PVC, TPE/TPR, jelly and silicone+mystery material blends. High-grade medical silicone is usually fine, but if you’re worried, do a quick patch test on the base.
👉 Read my silicone lubes guide
Hybrid Lubes
Hybrid lubes are usually a blend of water-based and silicone lubricant. They’re ideal when you want the longevity of silicone lube, but the versatility of water-based. They’re the best of both worlds.
If you want a lighter feel and a lube that’s easier to wash off than pure silicone, hybrid lubes are the perfect choice.
👉Read my hybrid lubes guide
Why Lube Improves Intimacy, Not Just Comfort
Lube won’t fix any issues in your sexual relationship with yourself, or your sex life with your partner. What it can help with is liberating your mind, and therefore your body, from sexual stress-related tensions. This leads you to sink easier and deeper into the connection you’ve been craving.
When your body isn’t bracing for uncomfortable or painful friction, physical and emotional closeness becomes easier. Sex feels like the collaborative bonding experience it’s meant to be, rather than a performance you’re struggling to endure.
Using Lube is an Act of Care
Reaching for lube during sex isn’t an admission of weakness. Please know that needing lube during these intimate moments isn’t a problem klaxon or a red flag, quite the opposite. When you use it lovingly on yourself during masturbation, it’s self-care. And when offered during partnered sex, it shows they genuinely care about your comfort and pleasure.
Talking to a Partner About Lube Without Awkwardness
It makes me sad that so many people avoid introducing lube in their sex life because they’re afraid it will be interpreted as criticism, an inadequacy or failing. I’d love if we could all feel able to be open about our bodies’ needs.
If it helps, you could reframe using lube during sex as “this will make it feel even better for both of us”. But really, if you’re having sex with someone that you don’t feel able to honestly communicate a need such as a splash of lube, perhaps reconsider your decision to get intimate with them. Anyone who genuinely cares for you won’t get offended over you doing whatever you need to be comfortable.
Related: How to talk dirty to your partner during sex
Lube Myths That Need Retiring
Let’s get searingly honest here. Most problematic attitudes towards lube isn’t about sensation, it’s about ego, a lack of sex education or outdated assumptions about what sex should or shouldn’t include.
Find all my sex education articles
Here are the top 5 myths about lube that we really need to ditch:
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Lube is only for people with vaginas.
Completely wrong. Lube benefits everyone, no matter what your body type, sexuality, gender, relationship status, etc. Penis owners, anal players, toy lovers, queer couples, hetero couples, solo sessions; everyone’s sex life can benefit from a splash of lube.
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You should only use lube if something is wrong.
Lube isn’t a medical accessory; it’s a sexual pleasure enhancer. Needing lube isn’t a sign of failure. Treating lube as something to only reach for when the body is struggling turns it into an object of shame. Lubricant is simply an easily accessible way to make every kind of sex feel even better.
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Natural lubrication is healthier than using lube.
Loads of people think lube is somehow damaging due to it being an artificial enhancer in comparison with bodily produced fluids. However, top quality sexual lubricants are pH balanced, body safe and protective. They reduce irritation and help avoid micro tears. There’s nothing unhealthy about choosing comfort and safety.
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Needing lube makes you look inexperienced.
This myth is rooted in a fear of judgement. Some people worry about what their partner will think about them if they reach for the lube bottle, that there will be assumptions they’re not aroused enough or not skilled enough. In reality, choosing to use lube shows sexual confidence, awareness and compassion. It says you value pleasure, you can honestly communicate your needs, and you want sex to feel good for everyone involved.
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Lube is messy and ruins the moment.
Believing this myth is more of a practical misunderstanding than a sexual one. It’s easy to avoid lube-based hiccups during sex by preparing well. Opt for good quality lube in a pump-top dispenser bottle. It can sit on the bedside table, and you can reach over and get a splash one-handed without any mess, faff or too much interruption. This keeps you in the moment, comfortable and enjoying the pleasure… dry friction is far more mood-killing than applying a little lube!
In Conclusion
Needing lube isn’t a sign you’re broken, that you’re bad in bed or any of the other negatively impacting myths that still persist. Let’s stop treating lube as an admission of sexual weakness, a back-up plan or last resort.
Lube is a high-priority pleasure tool which supports your sexual health, your psychological attitude towards sex, your sexual confidence and the depth of intimacy you can achieve with your partner. Use lube as a standard during sex and you will discover a sex life which flows easier, feels genuinely loving and results in far deeper mutual satisfaction and connection. Find the perfect one for you in my complete guide to choosing the right lube.
Buy lubes at Lovehoney US, Lovehoney EU, Lovehoney UK,
Lovehoney Canada, Australia or New Zealand
Tip: Here’s my current favourite sex lubricant; enjoy all our lubricant reviews
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*Fellow Brits: yes, I do mean taps. I just have a lot of American readers. 🤷♀️
