Pain During Sex: Why Painful Intercourse Happens And How To Fix It

Last Updated on 13 November, 2025 by Cara Sutra

Pain during sex is common, but that doesn’t mean it should be normalised. You don’t have to put up with uncomfortable or painful sex, so please don’t. If you are beset by pain during sexual activity, I’m glad you’re here to understand why it happens and learn possible ways to enjoy sexual pleasure again. Painful intercourse can occur at any stage of life, to anyone. When it happens, it isn’t a sign of failure or that something is intrinsically wrong with you. Sexual pain is your body sending you a message: something needs to be adjusted or changed. Take heart (and notes) from today’s advice guide on this subject, and you will soon be on your way back to comfortable, pleasurable sex.

The body needs three things in order for sex to feel good: safety, relaxation and arousal. Without any one of these facets, the nervous system reacts protectively, tightening muscles or dulling sensation. Rather than forcing yourself to endure discomfort and ‘push through anyway’, it helps to understand what is happening and why, so that comfort, confidence and connection can be restored.

Why Pain During Sex Is So Common

For people with vulvas, pain during penetration is one of the biggest reasons sex becomes something to dread rather than enjoy. For those with penises, pain can show up as friction, burning, tension or a pulling sensation. The details differ, but the pattern remains the same: when the body feels unsafe or rushed, pleasure is frustratingly elusive.

Most of the time, painful intercourse doesn’t happen due to bodily damage or any physical flaws. It’s often contextual and there are possible solutions to try. Some of the most common reasons for painful sex include:

• Pelvic floor tension or overactive muscles
• Penetration before full arousal
• Dryness or friction from lack of lubrication
• Feeling pressured or rushed
• Anxiety or self-consciousness blocking arousal
• Hormonal changes reducing moisture or elasticity
• Skipping warm-up or foreplay

Your body isn’t fighting you; it’s protecting you until it senses the right conditions, which include complete safety and relaxation.

How Your Nervous System Shapes Pleasure

A sense of safety and sexual arousal go hand in hand. If you feel judged or anxious, your body will naturally be in a defensive state – but when you learn to stay present and regulate arousal during intimacy, comfort and connection can return. Muscles tighten, your breath gets ragged (not in a good way!) and blood flow to your genitals decreases. Telling yourself to ‘just relax’ doesn’t work – relaxation isn’t a command you can simply obey, it’s a state your body will only settle into when it feels secure.

Creating that sense of calm might mean slowing down, deepening breathing (I find box breathing very helpful), setting the lights to a calming dim glow, and building psychological arousal and emotional intimacy before anything physical happens.

Physical Reasons Sex Might Hurt

Pelvic Floor Tension

Practising your pelvic floor exercises is all well and good, but chronic tightness in the pelvic muscles can mean that penetration is fighting against resistance or pressure. This can develop through stress or physical reasons like sitting too long or habitually holding your tummy in. Stretching, pelvic massage and gentle breathing exercises can help to gradually release the tension.

Insufficient Arousal or Warm-Up

When aroused, the vaginal lengthens and tilts and the penis, perhaps surprisingly, becomes less hypersensitive. Both need to be given enough time and the right sort of stimulation. Arousal is a warm-up; the body performs best when it’s ready to do so. Prolonged foreplay, teasing and sensual touch are not simply the stuff of fictional erotica, they’re physiological necessities of real sex.

Dryness and Friction

A slippery glide is gorgeous; a rough ride is anything but. Without adequate lubrication, friction during sex quickly turns painful. I’d recommend using lube to improve sex to absolutely everyone, but extra dryness can result from physical issues like hormones, medication, fatigue or anxiety. Keep your easy-to-dispense, good quality lube (here in the UK) within reach and remember to use it. Lube protects tissue and enhances sexual pleasure for everyone.

Positioning and Angles

Sometimes pain during sex is simply mechanical. A deep thrust at the wrong angle can hit a tender spot or tense muscle. Try a slower rhythm, shallower penetration or supportive sex position wedges (here in the UK) to alter tilt and pressure. Don’t be afraid to verbalise your needs and desire to shift position or slow down during sex, rather than keeping silent and putting up with any discomfort.

Hormonal Shifts and Medical Factors

I know from personal experience just how impactful hormones and medications can be on your sex life and sexual pleasure. Years ago, I was on antidepressants, and they caused my libido to almost disappear completely. In recent years I have entered perimenopause, and I struggle with my libido and natural lubrication due to this phase of life, my hormone levels and various HRT adjustments. Certain contraceptives can have an effect on libido, moisture and elasticity too.

All of this still doesn’t mean that you must suffer through painful sex. Your body might just need more moisture or medical support.

When the Mind Creates Physical Tension

Both body and mind must be in sync if sex is to be comfortable and enjoyable. If your thoughts spiral into worries, pressure or fears, your body will mirror that stress. Some of the common triggers are:

• Fear of disappointing a partner
• Feeling self-conscious about your body
• Anxiety about pain returning
• Shame around pleasure
• Emotional distance or past trauma

You might worry that these issues are just ‘in your head’, but what’s in your head has a direct and powerful effect on the body. They can and do create real physical tension. The first step towards resolving these and healing is acknowledgement.

Lubrication: The Sexual Comfort Hero

I know sex advice guides go on about it, but lubrication really can transform painful sex into comfortable pleasure. Lube reduces friction, increases sensitivity and maintains the health of your delicate tissues. But which lube to choose?

Water-Based Lubes

Best for: everyday sex, toys and condoms.

Pros: natural feel, easy clean-up.

Use when dryness is mild to moderate. Find out more in my water-based lubes guide.

Hybrid Lubes (Water + Silicone)

Best for: longer sessions or if water-based evaporates too quickly.

Pros: stays silky longer, safe with most sex toys.

Ideal when you want glide without constant reapplication. Find out more in my hybrid lubes guide.

Silicone Lubes

Best for: menopause dryness, anal play or marathon sessions.

Pros: ultra long-lasting, protective, non-drying. Find out more in my silicone lubes guide.

Related: For more information about different types of sexual lubricants, check out my complete guide to sex lubes.

Finding Comfortable Positions

Adjusting your sex position until you are fully comfortable throughout is essential. Even a small change in angle can make a huge difference. Try these out and see how you feel:

• You on top, controlling depth and rhythm
• Spooning or side-by-side for gentle movement
• Shallow thrusts with pauses to allow re-lubrication
• Pillows beneath hips or lower back for better alignment
• Focusing on external play (oral, manual or toys) until the body’s fully ready

If it’s penetration that hurts, keep things external until you’re relaxed enough to gently try again. You should feel no pressure or rush to go deeper than you feel comfortable with.

Anal Play and Pain

Anal tissue is extremely delicate and doesn’t self-lubricate like the vagina. Always use plenty of silicone lube, go slowly and start small if using toys. Start with a well-lubed finger or small butt plug (here in the UK) and never push through pain. Avoid anal desensitisers as they block vital safety signals from your body.

Discomfort during anal sex or anal play almost always means the body needs more time or preparation, not force.

Related: Anal sex toys guide, anal lubes guide and smallest butt plugs for tiny bums

When to See a Professional

If pain during sex continues despite doing all the physical and psychological preparation you can, using lube and experimenting with different angles, it’s time for medical advice. Conditions such as endometriosis, vaginismus, vulvodynia, prostatitis or pelvic inflammatory disease need professional assessment. Getting help is self-care, not a sign of failure.

Emotional Safety and Communication

When you feel fully and genuinely safe, pleasure can be cultivated and grown. Communicating openly and honestly about what feels good, and what feels painful, strengthens the bonds of trust and closeness with your partner. Use neutral but clear phrases such as:

“That’s too deep.”

“Can we slow down?”

“That angle’s better.”

You need never apologise for protecting your comfort. If painful sex is linked to personal trauma, trauma-informed therapy can help your body separate past fears from present intimacy. I have been privileged enough to begin trauma-informed therapy myself this year, and I am finding it unbelievably helpful – I’d recommend it to anyone who is considering it and able to access sessions.

The Role of Aftercare

Aftercare? In a sex advice guide that doesn’t relate to BDSM? Correct. Aftercare isn’t just for kinky power exchange sessions! Any intense sexual experience benefits from winding down gently together afterwards and reassurances of emotional closeness. That includes solo sex sessions; remember to be kind to yourself. Examples of caring aftercare include:

• Cuddling or quiet time
• Kind words or grounding touch
• Hydration and rest
• A warm cloth or mild moisturiser if you’re sore

Sexual aftercare is how you tell your nervous system “You are important. You are loved. You’re safe now.”

Rebuilding Pleasure Confidence

Speaking of solo sex, if you’ve started to dread partnered sexual activity due to pain, anxiety or other discomfort, gently exploring yourself whilst alone can help reset your body’s trust. Lock the door, close the window and curtains and make sure you have enough time to properly relax into the self-pleasure session. Touch yourself slowly but intentionally, without any expectation of orgasm. Focus on your body’s shape, feel and responses. Keep your breathing slow and deep. Lube up a soft vibrator or your favourite sex toy and explore its textures, speeds and sensations.

When you rediscover safety and pleasure alone, it becomes easier to share it again with someone else.

In Summary

Pain during sex can stem from physical, psychological, or situational causes. It might be due to dryness, lack of arousal, infections, muscle tension, or medical conditions like endometriosis or prostatitis. Emotional factors such as anxiety, trauma, or relationship stress can also play a part, as can practical issues like poor communication, rushed foreplay, or incompatible techniques or sex toys.

The good news is that most causes of painful sex can be improved with the right approach. Using plenty of lube, slowing down, and allowing more time for arousal can make a big difference. Finding comfortable positions, talking honestly with your partner, and seeking medical or therapeutic support when needed, all help restore comfort and pleasure. This all helps transform sex back into the enjoyable activity you desire and deserve.

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