How to Increase Your Sex Drive: Gentle, Real Ways to Reignite Desire

It’s common for our sex drive to ebb and flow. If your libido has disappeared, you might wonder if it’s ever going to come back. On top of that, you may worry that something is wrong with you, or that it will affect your relationship with your partner. It feels strange, especially if you still like the idea of sex, but your body just doesn’t want to go there. Here’s the truth: nothing is wrong with you, and it certainly isn’t just you. The common problem of low libido is usually your nervous system begging for rest, softness and space rather than stimulation. Today’s guide offers tips to increase your sex drive, exploring real ways to boost desire and get your sex life back on track.

Your life has a huge impact on desire. Stress, overwhelm, resentment, exhaustion, illness, childcare, emotional load, relationship tension and too much responsibility dampen down your erotic spark. Your body likely isn’t refusing sex forever, it’s protecting you until it feels calm and safe enough to stoke that fire back into life.

Are You There Sex Drive? It’s Me, Cara

A big reason behind writing this guide to increasing your sex drive today is that I need to set it out plainly and then take my own advice. As someone who has struggled the past few years due to the onset of perimenopause (with all the HRT and medication and natural hormonal fluctuations that involves) and now chronic illness on top, my libido is seriously struggling.

You might be reading this thinking, “well it’s alright for you, sex blogger with a rampant sex drive”. I only wish that were the case. It’s honestly a day-by-day challenge, but I’m not giving up. Sometimes it’s easier to give advice than to take it ourselves. So, I’m writing this for you dear reader, but I am going to read it over and over myself and hope that with time, patience and gentleness, my libido and I get to a better place. I wish the same for all of you.

Why Desire Disappears

It helps to think of libido more as a dial than a switch. Our drive and desire for sex reacts to many things in life, such as how well you’re sleeping, how stressed you are, what’s going on in your relationships and whether you feel connected and supported, or neglected and overwhelmed.

If that dial gets stuck on low for long enough, the natural level of desire in you doesn’t even feel like a mild tingle anymore; it can feel as though it’s disappeared. This is incredibly common through periods of chronic stress, low mood and hormonal changes. It also happens frequently when the grind of daily routine takes over, and you have no time or energy left for eroticism.

None of this means your sexuality is gone, it means your psyche and body need change before desire can return.

Your Nervous System Sets the Pace

The desire for sex might feel like it starts right there in your physical sex zones, but that’s far from the truth. Our libido is tied to our psychology and nervous system, which triggers the tingle in your genitals, signalling that you want sex. If your mind is racing and your body is bracing, you can’t feel sexual desire. Your partner may try to gently initiate sex, but if your thoughts are swamped with tasks, responsibilities and worries, obviously you’re not going to feel like it. That isn’t a faulty libido, it’s your system saying “not yet, thank you.”

Once you reach a place where stress and worries lessen, your nervous system lets down those protective barriers and you begin to feel a little more receptive, a little more curious and a little more present. That’s when desire can once again take root. In protection mode, desire goes offline. Forcing yourself out of that state won’t work – you need to soothe your way out.

This is something I’m learning a lot about this year, after a lifetime of being too harsh on myself and listening to my inner critic. Being gentle and patient with myself feels strange, but welcome. It all takes time.

Hormones, Bodies and the Real World

As someone who has been on various medications at different stages of my life, including antidepressants and HRT, I have personal experience of how much these can grind out even a strong libido. Hormonal shifts, illness and stress shows up at some stage in all our lives, which also affects our sex drive.

People with vulvas often notice more dryness, slower sexual heat and difficulty reaching orgasm during hormonal fluctuations. People with penises often notice sensitivity changes or erection difficulties when stressed or overwhelmed. These shifts aren’t failures, they’re part of how our bodies adapt, protect and signal different needs.

Your body isn’t resisting erotic attention, it’s asking for more warm-up, more comfort, more understanding and more time.

Desire Fades When There Is Pressure

Feeling like you should want sex is ironically one of the fastest routes to shutting down desire. The last thing you need is another big red flashy TASK in your brain, an exhausting klaxon of guilt. No wonder your libido crawls under a rock. You need to be psychologically, emotionally and physically ready, and receive enough flirtation, patience and attentive warmth, for arousal to have any chance at all.

With choice, time and emotional comfort, desire thrives. With pressure, it shrivels and hides.

Spontaneous And Responsive Desire

Think back to a time when your libido was healthy and strong. How did you experience desire? Was it spontaneous, something that hit you like a bolt from the blue? Or did it take time to kindle, building in heat and passion only after psychologically accepting sexual intent? The latter is known as responsive desire, and it’s common particularly in long-term relationships or through stressful periods of your life.

If you’re demanding spontaneous desire from your mind and body and you’re not getting it, it’s easy to assume something’s wrong. Understanding that your desire may only respond to touch, warmth and connection rather than springing up first without any of that, is the first key to reignition.

Start By Removing Pressure

I know, it’s easier said than done. But removing pressure, or even minimising it as much as possible, stops the tension which is what’s shutting everything down. A lot of this is monitoring your thoughts and attitudes, especially regarding unreasonable demands on yourself. I’m absolutely guilty of doing this.

Thoughts like wondering if you’ll ever be ‘normal’ again, how long it will all take, what you’re doing wrong, if you’re broken, why you’re not like you were before, what your partner thinks, if they’re getting fed up with you, if they’ll leave… My goodness, it’s hardly surprising desire retreats, shivering, to the back of a very dark cave.

Do your best to work on gentle curiosity, patient exploration and kindness to yourself, rather than harsh criticism, having unreasonable expectations in your circumstances or demanding perfection. And yes, I do feel like a huge hypocrite here, because I’m guilty of all the above. But then, I’m only human. And so are you.

Rebuilding Safety Before Sensuality

When your sex drive feels like it’s missing in action, begin with comfort rather than sexual intentions. Focus on calming your mind, and your body, and allow yourself to be met and held where you are, rather than rushed forward.

This might mean gentle touch without any goal in mind. Soothing self-contact. Exploring fantasies without physical expectations. Sharing and showing affection with your partner without escalation, and pleasure which isn’t sex related or even physical at all. All of this can help to slowly rebuild your sense of safety, which is crucial for the free flow of sexual desire.

Reconnecting With Your Body

Don’t wait until you feel horny to start reconnecting with your body. I don’t mean lube up and ram something in, I mean let’s invite our bodies to accept our own gentle, comforting, affectionate touches first of all, before anything more intensely sexual.

Reintroducing pleasure tells your mind and body that it’s not a disappointment, regardless of where your sex drive is at right now. It hushes the inner critic and provides positive reinforcement rather than harsh dictation or punishment. Warmth from baths, soft textures, food and skin nourishment, setting some of your valuable time aside just for you, to explore slow self-touch and solo sensual activities, all help your psyche remember that not only is pleasure possible, you deserve it. And it’s there for the taking, once you are good and ready.

If you enjoy warm baths as part of your self-care,
find soothing bath salts & candles on Amazon.com & Amazon.co.uk

Reconnecting With Your Erotic Mind

Speaking of reconnecting with your sexually welcoming self, the engine behind the physical is the psychological. If your mind has been coasting in survival mode, erotic thought is the first thing it will dismiss as unnecessary distraction. You can coax your erotic mind back gently by removing all pressure to perform and focusing on reframing arousal as simple curiosity instead of first gear for anything physical.

Allow your mind to probe sexual fantasies you used to enjoy. Think about sexual liaisons and masturbation sessions you really enjoyed. Do you have a top 3 from your life? If you struggle with inspiration, read or listen to erotica in whatever genre you fancy; or try out some new ones, you never know what you might discover about yourself.

Get inspiration by checking out my top favourite erotica authors, and find out why you should read erotic books.

Buy erotic books in hardcopy format or for Kindle at Amazon.com or Amazon.co.uk

The important part is that you’re not forcing desire, you’re simply giving your imagination the time and space to warm up again.

Solo Desire and Partnered Desire

Solo explorations of pleasure feel easier than partnered sessions during times of low libido, because there’s no-one else’s pace or expectations to manage or worry about. You’re free to pause, change direction or even stop completely without issue or guilt. Of course, we all know there should be no guilt doing that in a partnered sex session either, but if you’re anything like me and there’s any opportunity to feel a big dose of guilt then your mind will take it.

Once you get comfortable exploring and experiencing pleasure on your own, partnered desire has a steadier foundation from which to tentatively grow.

If You Feel Nothing at All

Ok, so your libido is on absolute zero. Absolutely nothing, zip, nada, zilch going on mentally or physically.  Start from a place of comfort.

Use warmth, pressure, deep breathing, weighted blankets, soothing touch and grounding meditation sessions to help your nervous system become soothed and settled.

Desire only has a chance of returning if your body feels safe and your mind feels calm.

If weighted blankets help you feel calmer and more grounded,
you can find comforting options on Amazon.com & Amazon.co.uk

When Trauma or Anxiety Plays a Role

I live with c-PTSD and ongoing anxiety due to various events and periods of my forty-five year long life. I’m well aware that a lack of arousal – physical or psychological – can be traced back to trauma, fear, pain and overwhelm. The body closes down to protect us. It isn’t failure, you’re not wrong or broken. It’s your system trying to keep you safe.

It is possible for desire to return, but it needs very slow pacing and patience. For some people, trauma informed support is required in order for it to feel possible again.

When To Seek Help

Your low desire and seemingly absent libido might last for months, or even longer. This is naturally upsetting and can be actively distressing. If sex feels frightening, if you have pain along with low sex drive, if hormonal changes are causing ongoing discomfort or if you’re experiencing trauma responses during touch, it’s best to seek help from professional sources.

At this point it’s worth acknowledging that some physical conditions and medications can genuinely dampen libido. Things like thyroid issues, low iron or B12, antidepressants, antihistamines, beta blockers and pain medication can all play a part.

You don’t need to be in crisis to deserve help. Everyone deserves to live free from fear and pain. Please seek support if the above resonates with you. I have been privileged enough to access trauma-informed therapy this year, as well as ongoing physical and hormonal support from my GP, but I know it’s not easy. If nothing else, please do your best to share your anxieties with your doctor, as they can only offer advice and active help once they’re aware.

In Conclusion

Do you feel more positive about your sexual future? I do, and I hope you do too. It’s reassuring to realise that a low sex drive and depleted libido isn’t the end of your sexuality. Your body is asking for space, time, patience and understanding support. A huge part of this is removing pressure, criticism and demands on ourselves. Without those negative aspects in the picture, and encouraging kind, gentle, soft exploration, desire often returns in its own time.

You are not broken. Your sexual desire isn’t gone forever. There really are ways to increase your sex drive back to a level you feel satisfied with, and a healthy libido which fuels your sexual happiness and confidence. It’s simply waiting for the gentleness and safety that I know you’re now ready to give.

If comforting rituals help you reconnect with your body,
simple self-care items like candles, soft blankets or bath salts are available on Amazon.com & Amazon.co.uk

If you have other sex life struggles, check out my many sexuality advice articles. I have written about several sex-related problems, including how to last longer during sex and understanding why painful intercourse happens.

Contains affiliate links