Last Updated on 30 March, 2022 by Cara Sutra
The Seven Deadly Sex Sins: Lust, Gluttony, Sloth, Greed, Envy, Wrath & Pride
By Jon Pressick
What follows is an examination of the Seven Deadly Sins – or rather, the Seven Deadly Sex Sins – by Jon Pressick from sexinwords.ca. So, what are the 7 deadly sins? They are Lust, Gluttony, Sloth, Greed, Envy, Wrath & Pride (and this is the order they’re written about, below). Over to you, Jon!
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Lust: Between a Crotch and a Hard Place
“Tis better to have love and lust
Than to let our apparatus rust.”
― Kurt Vonnegut, God Bless You, Dr. Kevorkian
When it comes to sex, lust takes centre stage. Desire and craving are deliciously intertwined with sex—as they should be! Whether you’re in a committed relationship or keeping your sex casual, an absence of lust could indicate potential problems with your appetite for that situation.
But does an absence of lust necessarily reflect a lack of desire? Can comfort replace lust as a primary motivator in sexual bliss? This is definitely debatable. Some would argue that this is the natural course of a long-term relationship and perfectly acceptable. Others would say a lack of lust indicates a dulling of affection, which can certainly sting and cause hurt feelings. A related situation can apply to those who pursue different lovers. If there is no lust for any of their sex partners, could they be entering dangerous territory in terms of interpersonal relationships? However, by not falling in deep lust with any particular people, this person could be a form of protection, allowing themselves to enjoy sex as a pleasurable pursuit.
As is often the case, what may be best (depending on the situation) is probably somewhere in the middle.
For those who keep things casual, a lack of excitement for the action you seek could mean you’re not really into it, that maybe you need to re-evaluate how you approach sex. However, you can still keep people at arm’s length if your lust and passion for getting laid—and that is all—is still firmly in place.
In a long-term relationship, comfort is an earned prize, won by virtue of loving your partner, learning compromise and exhibiting care. Relish it! At the same time, a complete loss of sexual lust for your partner could be an indication that you and your partner are suffering from compatibility issues. Sure we age, sure we evolve. Your partner will not be the same person who you eyed with deep desire 20 years ago. Except, they are.
But… maybe you aren’t. Herein could lie the problem with a lack of lust in a relationship. To borrow a tired old phrase, maybe it really is you and not them. Maybe you have lost interest, lost the lust that characterizes so many exciting new relationships. Perhaps you take to comfort a little too readily and are also taking your partner for granted. Maybe you start looking elsewhere…
This is where the negative connotation of lust comes in: when lust overrides consideration of others, when lust makes you act in a way you normally wouldn’t, when lust makes you pursue sex in a way that is detrimental to both you and those involved. Be that your partner, your new paramour or that person’s significant others. This is when you enter problematic territory.
In common parlance, we’re talking cheating, infidelity, adultery, stepping out. When lust causes you to enter a sexual relationship with someone other than your partner without their knowledge or input, or with a person who has an equally unknowing partner. There can be a myriad of reasons for wanting a new experience—but for many it boils down to an irrepressible sexual response. And despite most media depictions, men are not more likely to cheat on their partners than women. Television and films usually make the man the one having the affair, but a survey indicates women are the more frequent cheaters.
What a lot of people don’t realize, when they make the decision to have a sexual relationship with someone other than their partner, is that a more compassionate understanding of differing relationship models is emerging. No longer is sneaking around or connecting via sites like Ashley Madison the only option to explore your personal lust. Ethical non-monogamy, polyamory and other relationship structures make possible the pursuit of both sexual and/or emotional relationships outside your primary connection. Whether you want another life partner or occasional no-strings hook-ups, communication could open you and your partner up to new opportunities that allow a pursuit of lust.
There is another less involved way to enjoy lust without hurting anyone else in the process: fantasy. Whether you enjoy some good porn, read entrancing erotica or just like “window shopping” out on a walk, imagination is the most fertile of places for fantasy lust. Remember, withdrawals from the spank bank are always free of charge can carry no penalties.
One way to ensure healthy fantasy lust is to make room in your relationship for masturbation. It doesn’t have to be a primary sexual outlet, but having the comfort in your relationship space to say “I’m just off for a little stroke, back in a bit” is a great way to let your partner know you’re still interested in sex and have ideas. You might even find this turns your partner on!
Unfortunately, open discussion of self love is a conversation sorely lacking in many relationships. And a big part of this is that same fantasy lust. Some people do not even like their partner thinking of someone else, never mind soaking their hand at the thought of another. While not wanting to wade too far into the realm of another sin (Jealousy), being able to discuss attraction to people outside a relationship is something we are so ingrained into not doing. We’re not supposed to look. We’re not supposed to yearn. But how is this even possible?
It is not only possible, but entirely healthy to look at other people, think about them and still respect both your partner and that other person. Remember that both are people, have feelings and don’t deserve to be objectified. Lust can easily be harnessed in a positive way, and if you and your partner are open to discussing, can lead to many great conversations and even hot, lusty sex.
A Seven Deadly Sex Sins question about Lust:
Do you have an issue with your partner attending strip clubs?
Gluttony: Is Your Bed Too Big?
There’s a widespread belief that people, particularly in the Western world, consume too much, have too much, want too much. We desire more things, want everything to be the newest, the biggest, the bestest. This rampant consumption and gluttony can be traced back decades but in the past few years more and more movement has been made to reduce our unreasonable desires and cravings. Smaller, more efficient, less expensive—for some, this is the model of the 21st century.
However, there is one growth industry and culture that is not adopting this lifestyle, in fact, it is encouraging quite the opposite. Again, the past number of years have seen a different swell of interest, but for more, for different, for the best. That is, more sex, different sex and the best sex you can have.
Adult sex education has greatly improved and access to sexual information is easier than ever. The shame and stigma wrapped around many kinds of sex is slowly being unravelled to reveal the fundamental and exquisite pleasures the world of sex has to offer. There are more sex products than ever before and more open, honest and compassionate discussion.
This seems an ideal situation for our happiness and health… what could be wrong?
It is definitely possible to have a great life of casual, even rampant sex, if your personal situation allows it. However, little things like, relationships, family, job and more can be negatively impacted by that lifestyle. Some will argue that as we freely and easily uncuff sex for everybody, some vulnerable folks will not be able to handle the lure, the temptation and the thrill. As with most aspects of living, sex has the potential to be abused and become an overpowering force in people’s lives. These are the people who believe that a gluttony of sex will lead to sex addiction.
The idea of sex addiction is a controversial subject that is still hotly debated. Simply put, some people believe sex addiction is a thing and others do not. It is a polarising discussion among academics and educators that leaves everyone—particularly those who may or may not be sex addicts—wondering if there is a pathology involved in their behaviours or not. As such, potential treatments are left up in the air as to whether they are effective or even necessary.
Addiction is defined as “a strong and harmful need to regularly have something (such as a drug) or do something (such as gamble)”, and sex addiction is generally described as a lack of control when it comes to participating in sexual acts that may potentially be detrimental. Those who deem themselves sex addicts describe the need to continually increase the activities as their tolerance grows and that their fantasies will dominate their lives to the extent that their moods are altered. Sexual gluttony comes to dominate a sex addict’s life.
At this point, for any disorder to be considered a psychological disorder, it needs to be listed in the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, more casually known as the DSM-V. This overwhelming—and controversial—volume captures all of the specific psychological disorders and is used by professionals to make diagnoses and determine research. Sex addiction is not currently listed in the DSM-V. This does not, in itself, mean sex addiction doesn’t exist, as this book is by no mean infallible. It did, after all, list homosexuality as a disorder for a long time. However, it does indicate that sex addiction is not on the radar of mental health professionals as something that needs to be studied and researched.
It might seem crass to associate a word, gluttony, with debated and potentially harmful compulsive actions, but therein lies the controversy of sex addiction. Some do not see it as an addiction at all. They’ll point to this exclusion from the DSM-V as well as the lack of true study and research. But there are other compelling reasons as well.
The first study of sex addiction considered the brain’s response to sexual images, to determine whether the brain of a person with sexual compulsion issues responded to sexual images in the same way as a person with substance abuse issues responded to images of their preferred substance. Turns out, the sex images did not create the same response. This was not what researchers were expecting and threw the idea of sexual addiction into limbo. The disbelief in sex addiction has fallen so low that some view a cry of addiction as an excuse to lessen the impact of sexual misbehaviour and transgressions. That seems extreme as many psychiatrists and psychologists from all around the world report patients struggling with sexual compulsion and difficulties.
Since that first study, another been conducted that lends new credence to the potential of sex addiction. This one took different snapshots of the brain and found that those subjects who do have sexual compulsivity issues reacted strongly in the part of the reward, motivation and craving parts of the brain whereas those who do not present difficulties didn’t react in the same way. The debate rages on!
Regardless of whether or not sex addiction is real, another similar issue often gets conflated into the sex addiction argument, though it is a different problem altogether. Pornography, and the consumption of graphic images and film of people copulating is a living, breathing controversial beast of many heads. Some people love porn, some people hate porn. Some people blame countless societal ills on dirty pictures, others see no problem at all. These debates rage even stronger than those encompassing sex addiction. And when you talk porn viewing, addiction quickly comes to the fore again.
Popular actor and former football player Terry Crews revealed his struggles with porn addiction. But much like in the discussion of sex and addiction, is porn addiction an actual thing? Crews described the effects of porn addiction as:
“It changes the way you think about people. People become objects. People become body parts; they become things to be used rather than people to be loved.”.
Some have empathy for Crews, others consider this declaration a crutch propping up other issues he’s not discussing. The problem of porn and sex addiction remains: What do we believe?
There are myriad concerns and issues that need to be addressed before sex (and porn) addiction can be meaningfully addressed. Are we burying a sex-related issue out of the same fear we’ve always used with sex in society? Is there a true physical compulsion to sex addiction—and can that ever be accurately measured and understood in the same way directly physical addictions can be? Could differing relationship models and societal views on sex positively impact the future diagnosis of sexual addiction? This need to learn could be the true sexual gluttony we desperately need.
A Seven Deadly Sex Sins question about Gluttony:
Is porn good or bad for sexual relationships?
Sloth: Have Great Sex… When You Get Around To It
Work is hard. Kids are hard. Friends are hard. Families are hard. Money is hard. Commuting is hard. Hobbies are hard. Cooking is hard. Pets are hard. Cleaning is hard. Injuries and illness are hard.
Relationships and sex are hard.
Can’t it all be easier? Can’t we just sit back and rely on cruise control for a while… or forever?
There is no denying that every single one of us has struggled with time, energy, funds and relationships at some point in our lives. And each of these—and so much more—can be utterly draining. This can cause us to slow down, not try as hard and become neglectful of other important aspects of our lives, personalities and relationships. And when that sloth creeps into your life, banishing it can be even more taxing. So why try?
Getting a bit lazy in other parts of your life is usually noticeable. Slack on the cleaning, end up with a mess. Become disenchanted at work, productivity falls. Improperly manage finances, money disappears.
But when your slothful ways are applied to your relationship and sex life, the effects may not be as readily obvious. Laziness can creep into any partnership and, more often than not, one or both people might not even notice. That’s because lazy habits can be easily mistaken for comfort and ease—particularly when it comes to sex.
Of course, we all want relationships that “let us be us,” in which we can let our hair down—especially after spending time in the shark-tank of the dating world. A loving relationship, on the other hand, can create that zone of freedom. Unfortunately, it is all-too-easy to go from “I’m nervous and want to impress you” to “happily co-existing and enjoying things” to “Why yes, I am wearing the same pyjamas as yesterday… wanna snuggle?”.
Balancing the ideas of comfort and sloth in relationships is tricky, and ultimately, very individual. What one person feels is a cool level of calm comfort might be considered neglectful by another. Hopefully you and your partner are on the same wavelength and have similar ideas. But if you’re not, both your relationship and sexy-times could be in trouble ahead..
One of the most cited falls into sloth-like ways is when our physical appearance becomes less dynamic and more plain—the opposite of courtin’ and datin’ time. While not always the case, our looks are often the first thing that attracts our partner. And when your looks change, when you “let yourself go,” tension can arise.
Is this fair? Are we not allowed to enjoy more casual looks as we move through our lives? Do we always have to be as on point as we are in the beginning?
The simple, moral answer is “no”—we shouldn’t have to maintain a beauty standard because a truly good relationship should withstand any change in physical appearance on the basis of love.
However, does that mean your partner must always be sexually attracted to you, even if your physical appearance does change? This is more tricky. Many will still say “YES” with the same reasoning as above. And you’d hope that remains true. But another more pragmatic approach might say that it is all-too-easy to fall out of lust for a partner who does not embody the physical vision they did before. Could this be considered shallow? Yes. Should it be faulted? That remains debatable.
Another relationship and sex life casualty, which may be more difficult to spot, is emotional sloth. Other ways to describe this situation could be lack of appreciation, taking your partner for granted, or even falling into a rut of indifference. And all of these can apply to both your emotional relationship as well as your sexual one.
On the sex side, sloth begins to show itself through not making an effort—be that intentional or not. There can surely be significant factors impeding a couple’s sex life and this is not to say that EVERY couple HAS to be knocking boots all the time. For some, sex truly is a secondary, tertiary or even non-need. Some people can live a complete and happy life with little or no sexual contact. Good for them! However, for many people, sex does remain a desire and need and rather than enjoying life without it, bitterness, resentment and hurt take over as they lament the loss of a sex life.
Complicating this type of situation is that fact that nobody is alone in a couple and, therefore, their needs are not the only ones to consider. Over time people’s libidos shift, morph and change—and are directly influenced by all of the above factors that contribute to make life difficult. The hope is that you and your partner grow together on similar wavelengths to remain in carnal compatibility. Fingers crossed! However, there are bound to be times when one or both of you just isn’t “feeling it.” And if that is the case, that person’s needs, or lack thereof, must be respected. Nobody owes the other sex in a relationship and nobody should ever be pressured.
So, if you’ve fallen into state of sexual sloth, the question is ‘why?’ If you were formerly hot-to-trot and ready-freddie, why are you now more interested in rolling over than you are rolling in the sheets? The reasons could be endless
Physical well-being: It is simple biology that when we are not feeling well, we usually do not crave sex. This is particularly noticeable as we age. Sure, college kids can party, abuse their bodies and then fuck for days on end because their bodies are young and strong. But for best raunchy results, a diet of nutritional foods and some movement or exercise can improve your health and your sex life.
Stress: This is one of the biggest boner-killers there is. It can become almost impossible to focus on pleasure when other aspects of your life are stressing you out. Sure, the occasional stress-release lay might help, but ultimately, stress is a significant factor in loss of libido.
Communication: This is both an individual and a couple’s concern. Even if you spend years living with someone, it is so easy to fall into a lack of communication. Sure, you talk every day. Bills, kids, household needs, job stories and funny cats online. But you have to make sure you are really talking, particularly as it concerns sex.
Time: Does anybody have enough time to accomplish all they want in a day? So many time sucks are forced on us that it is easy to forget time for sucking! Learning to manage time (and all of the other factors dependent upon it) will greatly improve not only the frequency of sexy fun, but also the quality.
So, how do we combat emotional and sexual sloth? The first important action is realizing there is a problem and addressing it. Use those communication skills everybody talks about. The goal is to help each other, and this could mean taking action together. Eat healthy food together. Look at strategies to reduce stress together. Share responsibilities and reduce the time it takes to complete the day-to-day tasks together. Not only will also of these things provide more time for intimate times, but note how they all incorporate togetherness. Reignite your love and your libido by spending good time together.
In reality, it is actually fairly rare that someone in a couple actively chooses to be slothful in sex—but it is all too easy to fall into that pattern. In a busy and complicated world, some of the simplest luxuries, unfortunately, fall by the wayside. However, even the simple things do require work, if you want them. Let’s try to make that part not hard.
A Seven Deadly Sex Sins question about Sloth:
Do you place high emphasis on continued physical attraction in long-term relationships?
Greed: Making Sure Everyone’s Fully Satisfied
Think back to the most recent time you found yourself in bed with someone. Now, calm down a bit, I imagine there are some pretty sexy thoughts running through your head at the moment. Actually, maybe you should focus on those thoughts. What are they of? Are you thinking about something you did or something your partner did? Are you envisioning your body being touched or theirs? And whose pleasure is it that you remember the most clearly?
In an ideal world, most sexual encounters are an egalitarian affair that provide everyone involved with pleasure and satisfaction. Sadly, we already know that this is often not the case, but hey, we can dream. But are we all keen to move toward this ideal or have you had the misfortune to find yourself with someone who is only about getting their own kicks? In this part of our Seven Deadly Sex Sins journey of discovery, we explore greed in sexual relationships.
When we think of greed, we most often think of people who take more than they’re due, who do not share and become quite covetous of their own pleasure. Greed is usually drilled out of people while they are young. Unfortunately, some people cannot quash their impulses and greediness rears its head throughout their lives. We all know someone who always wants more, more, MORE.
Of course, it is only natural that greediness can slide into our sex lives as well. You know the type because there’s a good chance you’ve slept with someone who could be considered selfish in bed. They are focussed on their own pleasure, but do not (or rarely) reciprocate. A common greedy character is someone who loves receiving some oral fun but rarely pay any lip-service themselves. They’re a “come-and-done” type who is happy to just roll over after orgasm even if you’re not close to cumming. Just as in day-to-day life, most people want sexual experiences that prioritize pleasure for both partners. It doesn’t have to be at the same time, or even both every time. But an understanding of mutual satisfaction spread throughout a shared sex life goes a long way in ensuring continued happiness.
The curious thing is, greedy in bed does not always translate to greedy in everyday living. It certainly could, but some people who are overwhelmingly selfish in the sack can be loving, caring, sharing folks outside it. Unfortunately there is, particularly among men, a long-standing idea that men’s pleasure is paramount. And by long-standing I do mean centuries. Women’s pleasure has been diminished so significantly that some guys are greedy in bed without even realizing it—because they’ve grown up with the idea they should be.
Take, for example, the various studies into oral sex. Overwhelming numbers show that women are going down on cock a helluva lot more than guys are eating pussy. This despite the growing recognition that clitoral stimulation through oral sex can often greatly improve the possibility of a woman reaching orgasm. However, regardless how much you tell guys this, they fall back on the societal silliness that dudes aren’t supposed to go down. Where this foolish idea started is a bit baffling, however it does persist. And it manages to pervade culture despite the equally hypocritical idea that men are somehow “owed” blowjobs. Somehow, oral sex on a penis is presumed to be a regular part of any sexual experience. Is there anything more greedy?
On the other hand, some perceive different sexual arrangements as being inherently greedy when, in reality, they aren’t at all.
Polyamory and open relationships have grown significantly in recognition as legitimate relationship models—though some folks still think enjoying sex with more than one person while in a relationship is inherently greedy. But I never said greed is inherently bad. On the surface, sure, it is greedy to want and seek as much as you can possibly get. And for some in poly relationships, that is the goal. However, what sets this apart from negative greed is that nobody is getting hurt (if the relationship dynamics are in good shape). Here’s where we need to make a clear distinction. There is greed and there is hedonism, and the two are often conflated to meaning the same things. They are, however different. Hedonism is the doctrine that pleasure or happiness is the highest good and greed is excessive or rapacious desire, especially for wealth or possessions. A poly dynamic would seem to fall under hedonistic.
With that in mind, other sexual dynamics that are often misconstrued as greedy are the many different relationships that can happen among the identities in the BDSM community. The societal perception of Dominants and submissives is that the Dom(me) is taking all of the gratification in sexual situations and the sub is just there to serve and get nothing. This facile view of D/s entirely diminishes and negates the dynamics and interplay that is crucial to understanding how these relationships work. Yes, a Dom(me) may be the one dictating action and demanding service—the outward-facing signs of pleasure. However, the sub is an entirely willing participant who derives pleasure from service, from offering their body to their Master or Mistress, from pain, degradation and humiliation. The sexual relationship is symbiotic and intimately intertwined. Were either truly greedy, the scene would not go well at all.
There is one last type of misconstrued sexual greed that is a real problem for many couples. In long-term sexual relationships, it is natural for our sexual needs to change over time. You may be good-to-go every day while your partner is more of a once-a-week person. If this disparity is not discussed and understood, the partner with the lower libido may consider the other greedy for wanting sex all the time. And the person who is more sexually interested may think the other is greedy for “holding out.” Neither of these feelings is good for the future of the relationship. Clear and open communication and understanding of each other’s needs is essential. And you might want to consider consensual non-monogamy or sex workers to fulfil the sexual partner’s needs.
Ultimately, when it comes to sex, greed can be both negative and positive. I heartily endorse everybody being greedy in desire because sex is awesome. However, at the same time, being generous in your acts and sharing pleasure will ultimate gain you the most reward.
A Seven Deadly Sex Sins question about Greed:
Whose pleasure do you prioritise in sex?
Envy: Is the Ass Greener on the Other Side?
We live in a world of want. There are so many things around us, so many shiny baubles that tempt and drive us to distraction. Depending who you are and what privilege you have, these fun things we desire have overtaken the needs we used to work and strive for. For many, the lap of luxury, in terms of eating, housing, clothing and education is a pretty comfortable place.
But it is while nestled in this spot of comfort that discontent can grow. This might seem odd because if our needs are being met, why do we crave more? Those pretty things, those wants. Born out of desire, as opposed to necessity, wants are the perks of life that make it more enjoyable and fun. Wants take that comfort of fulfilled need and bedazzle them with bling.
This is not to say that wants are something bad and that they shouldn’t be pursued—though we might want to temper our definition of wants with an understanding of conspicuous consumption. Too many folks want items that are beyond their financial means, which can lead to problematic situations in terms of paying bills and other responsibilities. However, if you’re in a position to buy the latest and greatest, then go for it.
For those who aren’t in that position, it is only natural that feelings of envy creep in. It is very easy to look over the fence and desire what your neighbour has, whether that be their car, their phone, their home… or even their sex life.
In this part of our Seven Deadly Sex Sins adventure, we explore envy, a complex emotion most simply summed up as ‘wantin’ what other people got.’ Envy can rear its green little head in many different ways when it comes to sex and relationships, and rarely is that head poking up in a friendly way.
The most common type of sexual envy fits right in with the sentiment ‘I want what you’ve got.’ We’re all human, and it can be argued that this desire could be innate in our beings. So, it is only natural for all of us to look around and see people who have relationships with qualities you want in your own coupling. Dave and Sandy snuggle and hold hands a lot. Flo and Jimmy told you how much they love anal. Aaron and Luke completely agree that socks in bed are a no-no. Amy and Laurie have marathon sex every single weekend. Every relationship has aspects you desire and some you don’t care about. It is easy to ignore the parts that you aren’t keen on, but what about the ones that sound great? And what happens when you cannot incorporate those qualities into your own relationship?
Hopefully, as a mature person, you do one of two things: shrug your shoulders, give up and move on; or you put more effort in, do more research and continue to affect the change you want. Of course, your partner has to be on board—you can crave something all you want but consent is critical. Following this path can still make what you desire possible.
The other path is potentially more destructive, for both you and your relationships. If you spend your time stewing on what you want but can’t have, developing a deep envy, there are many scenarios that could hurt you, your partner and even the friends you hope to emulate. For you, harbouring envious thoughts can lead to the development of tremendous resentment. Along with that resentment can be feelings of entitlement and anger. The longer your thoughts of envy go on, the more intense these feelings can become. Eventually those feelings could boil over into outright, direct anger to your partner who won’t participate and even towards the friends of whom you are so envious. There is bound to be damage done.
Another way envy can manifest in a relationship, whether it be long-term or something casual, is during discussions of our pasts. Conversations about our respective past sexual experiences can be a great way of getting to know each other. You learn what has and hasn’t worked for your partner, what they’ve tried and liked and didn’t like. You learn about the people they’ve been with and what was appealing or a complete turn off. When these recollections are shared openly and honestly, without malice or an attempt to make you jealous, they can be a treasure trove of information that will greatly aid the sex you’re having that day as well as the sex you might have in the future.
However, this conversation can go sideways in a hurry. There are far too many rom-com scenes that depict an envious partner feeling somehow slighted because you had experiences in your past that did not involve them. Usually that insult is a form of envy—directed at you or your former lover. Your current feels they should be the one to have experienced that sexy situation with you. Some people get really hung up on this! And some folks have a really hard time coping with the idea that they weren’t that person. They grow envious of the partner from your past. Even discussing your ‘number’ can make somebody else cringe.
There might sound like outlandish problems, but they are real emotions that, hopefully, can be worked through. Of course, there’s no way you could predict that somebody else will come along that you really want to experience sex in car with. Or a threesome. Or dressing up like clowns and throwing pies at each other. But that doesn’t stop jealousy and envy from creeping in and potentially derailing something hot and good.
Envy is an emotion that can pervade so much of our lives. For sure, we’re always going to want things that we don’t have, sexual or otherwise. However, when want becomes whine, it is time to stop taking your cues from what you see in the world around you.
A Seven Deadly Sex Sins question about Envy:
Does thinking about your partner’s past bother you?
Wrath: Maybe We Should Go To Bed Angry
Anger, in sex and relationships, is not an easy matter to discuss. The societally enforced fantasy is that we find someone, we fall in love, we stay in love and we live happily ever after. Never is there a problem. Never is there an argument. Never is there disagreement. And even on the very off chance that a wee misunderstanding comes up, never do you go to bed angry.
Of course, this fantasy is rarely reality. If it is, here’s hoping you also play the Lotto and bet at the racetrack because you obviously have some kind of lucky horseshoe stuck right up your ass (and if it feels good in there, enjoy!) For the majority of us though, we have relationships that do involve conflict and resolution, arguments and peace-making.
And this is completely natural. We are humans and we get angry. People do things we disapprove of and it hurts us. People sleep on couches all the damn time because arguments do not always end at bedtime. In really extreme situations, our wrath can be an overpowering emotion that causes significant relationship damage. And while it might not be your biggest concern at the time, that wrath, the current focus of our seven deadly sex sins, could irreparably damage your sexual relationship.
Before discussing the specific issue of anger affecting sexual relationships, we must remember that domestic violence, including non-consensual sexual assault and rape, is a serious issue that affects far too many people—the overwhelming majority of whom are women. And there is absolutely nothing at all sexy about domestic violence. If you are in a relationship and your partner abuses you, emotionally, mentally, physically, financially or in any other way, there are organizations in your community that can help you with the situation.
Hopefully it isn’t too odd and jarring to transition this discussion into a portrayal of positive sexual violence. But there is potential here, if the situation is conducive.
The first we need to do is define, probably loosely, the idea of positive sexual violence. There are many acts, that are either sexual or related to sex that can be considered violent. However, because they are given a context, they are not considered a negative or problem situation. These actions, such as spanking, paddling, slapping, punching, caning… the list goes on and on, would be considered an act of violence if they occurred on the street. However, in the context of a consensual relationship, a hook-up or long-term, it is definitely possible to consent to sexual violence.
And it could be entirely therapeutic for both parties involved. It could be a way to resolve conflict, conclude arguments and deal with wrath.
This line of thinking will fly in the face of relationship equality and what we know about domestic violence situations. It is a challenging thought and it will definitely not be for everybody. However, the institution of physical punishments to resolve angry situations could turn into a deeply connected new relationship.
If you look again at the small list of violent sexual acts noted above, it shouldn’t be hard to draw a clear connection to BDSM. It is well-known and understood that many BDSM acts are, by definition violent, though the intent is very often not meant to convey anger and violence. These acts occur within a negotiated role play where a safe word is set, whether that role is temporary for a scene or an orientation lived daily. Regardless where your relationship falls on the spectrum between these two, using sexual violence as an anger resolution tool could prove to be both helpful and sexy.
Now, you might be thinking about power imbalance. If, as is often the case, one partner is a Dominant and the other is submissive, how can an argument ever be resolved in a sub’s favour? This is where both partners must be resolute in their belief in this new anger resolution technique. Normally, it would be a bad idea for a Dominant to take out their anger on a submissive, however, if both partners agree to parameters, then safety and common sense should prevail. It is easy to imagine that scenario and dynamic.
On the other hand, it is more challenging to figure out how a sub could resolve their anger on a Dom/me. Perhaps, if the submissive has any switch tendencies, they could turn the tables and the Dom/me bottoms for some painful fun. Or perhaps the sub suggests sex that falls outside their normal D/s relationship. Or the sub might even withhold their body altogether. All of these solutions have flaws in the context of D/s specific relationships, but they could work more easily with partners who are more incidentally into hot, hot hurting.
One almost traditional way of settling an argument with positive sexual violence, if the two of you can come to an actual agreement, is spanking. Given the increased popularly of BDSM activities in recent years, spanking is a much more known, understood and enjoyed sexual activity that does carry with it the potential to be used as punishment. It sure is popular in role play, with Over The Knee (OTK) spanking being a very hot variant.
Another option for settling arguments could be some hot, erotic wrestling. Grappling might be dependent on the two partners’ respective sizes and weights, but if they are evenly matched, wrestling can be extremely sensual. You also get to determine how you want to pin each other. Even if your wrath levels were super high, by the end of some sexy wrestling, you’re more likely to be exhausted OR laughing OR fucking.
Above all of these methods of wrath control and anger resolution, one key elements is a definite constant: Communication. None of these methods, fun or therapeutic, can happen without negotiation and explicit consent. You can’t just take your partner, pull down their pants and spank them over your knee out of the blue. That won’t solve issues. That is violence. But if you can discuss and agree beforehand, wrath might melt away with each red hand print.
A Seven Deadly Sex Sins question about Wrath:
Would you even be able to think about sexual resolutions in an angry situation with your partner?
Pride: Swallow It & Listen
A quick preface: This article is about pride, small ‘p’, meaning “the quality of having an excessively high opinion of oneself or one’s importance.” In no way am I equating sin and Pride, capital ‘P’, the universally accepted word that exemplifies the LGBTQ+ movement or the relationships of queer folks around the world. Pride is fucking awesome! 🏳️🌈
There are so many different ways we can jeopardise a relationship or potential hook-up. Everybody has a story of something foolish they’ve done that angered or upset the person they were with—to the point of being sent to sleep on the couch or being home instead of sharing a bed. All of these are incidental, such as differing political views, impolite language or manners, or more challenging situations such as disrespect or unkindness. But they can all lead to conflict and arguments and are bound to lead to lonely nights.
However, when we break down the majority of these situations, whether you and your partner have bantered about Brexit or back bacon, it is very likely that one or both of you may have let your pride get in the way of both common sense and acceptable behaviour with your partner. In this final segment of the Seven Deadly Sex Sins, we explore the contradictory emotion of pride, and how it can negatively impact your sex life and relationship when it isn’t kept in check.
One important thing to remember is that pride is a good thing! Everybody should be proud of their accomplishments—whether you are running a marathon, writing a novel, solving a theorem… or just getting out of bed to face another day. We’ve all got trials and tribulations and we should all feel good about ourselves when we face them, deal with them and chuck them in the bucket of DONE. That is a positive sense of pride.
That feeling, however, can turn itself into a negative when your good feelings about your accomplishments turn into an inflated sense of self-worth because of those feats. When you start thinking you’re all that, you can start to think your opinion or abilities are worth more than those around you. You wrote a novel, so, obviously, you know everything about literature. You got out of bed, so, obviously, you know everything about the hardships and challenges. But if someone contradicts you? That’s when your pride comes in and you move to shut their disagreement down. Instead of seeing their points of view, you get your back up… and now everyone’s unhappy. Your pride has gotten in the way of something good.
The following scenario could apply to anyone, but I am going to guess, from shared stories, that heterosexual women will be the most likely to relate to having experienced this situation, hence the gendering of the participants.
So, you’ve met someone and the chemistry is amazing. Whether you’re connecting over the course of three minutes or three weeks, you’ve decided you want to take this fella home and see what happens. The passion between the two of you is amazing! When you arrive at your place, the clothes are flying everywhere and you welcome him into your room. After some fooling around, he tells you to lay back, he’s got some special “moves” that are going to make you feel fantastic! He proceeds to go down on you and do… things. You’re not entirely sure what he’s after or trying to accomplish, but the goal does not at all seem to be your pleasure or an orgasm. After a confusing few minutes, you tap him on the head and cross your legs. Looking smug and satisfied, he reiterates that you “must” have just had a good time. His face melts as you tell him the truth: that his “moves” did nothing for you.
And here is where it breaks down, here is where his pride takes over because it has been hurt. Chances are, he offers up these gems out of anger:
- Are you sure you didn’t have an orgasm and not realise it? (Doubting you)
- Everyone else he’s done that to has gotten off! (Diminishing your experience)
- Do you even know how to orgasm? (Undercutting your sexuality)
- I’ve never had any complaints before. (Shutting you down for speaking up)
None of this is acceptable and you’d be justified in throwing his shit out the window. It is really hard for people to not let their pride get in the way, particularly when it comes to sex. We want to be seen as sexually accomplished and sexually able. We want to help our partners achieve sexual fulfilment. But too many cannot swallow their pride and perform the ultimate sexual act. The one skill, the one move that everybody should practice and perfect. The one sexual feat that will make your partner’s knees weak.
Listen.
Shut your mouth, still your tongue, keep those fingers in your pockets and your pants on tight. Listening is the best move you can pull out to impress a sexual partner because hearing and understanding what they want is the best way to help them achieve sexual ecstasy. Ears can be good for licking and sucking… but they are best for listening.
And after you’ve listened, re-evaluate your position on things and, if need be, check your pride at the door. Yes, we’ve all got preconceived notions and we all have opinions. But the difference between expressing those and knowing when to take a step back is crucial to navigating your way in a relationship or any sort.
A Seven Deadly Sex Sins question about Pride:
Can you have sex with someone you fundamentally disagree with on core issues?
– Jon Pressick
