The Importance Of Coming Together During Sex
Are you useless in bed if you don’t have simultaneous orgasms?
Her knuckles are white from gripping the sheets so tightly. Her face is held down hard, flat against the mattress. With her eyes squeezed closed, she can feel herself becoming lost to the raw sensations of being expertly pounded. The carnal need builds in her, orgasmic tendrils taking hold from throat to clit. Her g-spot is rhythmically drummed by his mighty cock. She barely hears his ragged breaths turn to loud grunts behind her… when she’s taken by an earth-shattering climax as he explodes his hot seed deep inside her ravaged pussy.
That’s how sex is meant to be, right? That’s how it is in erotic fiction after all, in the movies. Are simultaneous orgasms a standard part of sex? Are you useless in bed if you don’t come together? How important is it to orgasm at the same time as your partner?
My idea of simultaneous orgasms during sex is when either both people orgasm exactly at the same time, or extremely close together. Like when the act of one person orgasming triggers an orgasm in the other person, making it pretty much part of the same moment.
Do Simultaneous Orgasms Really Happen?
You might be expecting me to completely disregard the very idea of simultaneous orgasms, to sneer at various media citations of this happening, to relegate it to the confines of fiction & fantasy.
But actually, yes; simultaneous orgasms do exist. They really can happen. I have vivid memories of a couple of occasions where I came at the same time as my partner, during sex, and a few other happy memories of my orgasm triggering his in the same moment.
His Sexual Arousal
Having been with my man for 7 years now, I’ve come to know what his sexual buttons are, what gets him aroused, what tips him over the edge into frenetic fucking, the patterns of his lovemaking.
However, even when we first got together, neither of us were strangers to M/F or PiV sex (not always one and the same).
Not every man will be the same, of course; but in my experience a penis requires a steady build of physical stimulation and after a little while an orgasm will occur. Psychological arousal is also important, the conscious consent/committal to the sex act as well as various other mental sex-related tick-boxes checked.
The men I’ve had sex with in my life have all required a much shorter time to reach the cusp of orgasm, that magical moment of absolute need, than I have.
My Masturbatory Orgasms
I can’t reach the cusp of orgasm with physical stimulation alone. Even during masturbation, with such heavy-duty orgasm-relieving devices as the Doxy Wand and my Loving Joy Power Bullet, it’s not the toy alone doing the job. If I don’t get myself there mentally, my body simply won’t surrender to orgasm.
During masturbation, I find it easy. I know no-one’s watching me, no-one is in the same room for me to worry about what they’re thinking, to distract me from the task at hand. I can locate my oft-visited mental fantasies, give in to the physical stimulation from the sex toy, deliver the stimulation to myself in exactly the strength, speed and location I precisely need it.
Reaching The Brink During Sex
This isn’t the case for me during sex. With self-consciousness caused (and for some reason, for me, unavoidable) by my sex partner’s presence, the disruption to my mental fantasies plus physical stimulation by their involvement, it takes me a lot longer to reach that orgasmic brink.
I know, now, that I need a lot of foreplay to reach the cusp. Much, much more than he does. And I don’t just mean physical stimulation either. It’s no good setting a timer and rubbing my clit solidly for an hour. I need to be seduced to that point mentally as well as physically – in fact, the mental aspect is much more important for me in a partnered sex situation.
On top of this, I certainly don’t reach orgasm through vaginal penetration alone – just like many other women.
Our Simultaneous Orgasms
You’ll note from my earlier mentions of our simultaneous orgasms that they’re not exactly a regular part of our sex life – and I’m talking over a period of 7 years. I can remember only a couple of occasions where we came literally at the same time, and a few other occasions where my orgasm triggered his.
The completely simultaneous orgasms happened early on in our relationship; in the first year. At that time we hadn’t learned everything sex-related there was to know about each other’s bodies, and perhaps the lengthy exploration prior to penetrative sex helped reach that shared climactic moment.
This exploration was often enhanced by being forced to wait for the physical side. We worked across from each other in the same office. We’d cyber on messenger, become aroused for hours beforehand with shared fantasies and sex chat. There was mutual mental teasing with words and picture messaging, and I’d complete tasks he’d set and report back. I’ve worn butt plugs and nipple clamps all day in an office environment, I’ve gone without underwear and I’ve masturbated to the edge in the office bathroom.
And by the time we were ‘allowed’ to have physical sex (again, not always PiV sex), often between 8-10 hours after the teasing started? Yeah, it’s unsurprising we were both ready to orgasm pretty much immediately. I feel sure that the simultaneous aspect was just a happy coincidence in these cases.
When My Orgasm Triggers His
The instances where my orgasm has triggered his have been during PiV sex. I believe it’s a purely physical thing, his body reacting to my vaginal walls clamping round his erect penis, spasming with a powerful orgasm. Plus, it’s a great mental turn-on for him to be deep inside me while seeing and feeling me enjoy such a spectacular climax. When I’m at the peak of physical pleasure.
At those times, when my orgasm has triggered his orgasm to start, it’s been after he’s deliberately held himself back from climax leading up to that moment. There’s been a conscious choice on his part not to come, to hold back and help me to reach the cusp of orgasm, instead.
By being patient in this way and denying himself the orgasm when the urge continually hits during this build-up, he’s ready to unleash that orgasm at any moment. It means that once he sees and feels me orgasm around him he releases that hold on the need… and his orgasm comes in a powerful surge while I’m still riding the waves of my own climax. Of course, this takes a lot of physical and mental control on his part, but he’s very skilled at it now.
Why So Few?
With this tried and tested method of reaching pretty-damn-close-to simultaneous orgasms, why don’t we have more of them? Why do my partner and I barely ever orgasm together?
We’ve found that simultaneous orgasms simply don’t matter to us. Sure, it’s amazing to have especially kinky sex from time to time, where he’s inside me and I’m bringing myself to orgasm helped along by the knowledge he’s struggling to deny his own until I crash over the edge first. But as part of our everyday sex lives? Simultaneous orgasms aren’t a priority and don’t feature.
We don’t buy into any media that tells us that we should have simultaneous orgasms. That if we don’t, we’re somehow broken or doing it wrong or not having amazing sex. Our sex can be amazing regardless of when either of us climaxes – and indeed if we orgasm at all.
Our Sex Priorities
Instead of focusing on and worrying about if we’re going to tick the ‘coming together’ box during sex, we have other priorities for our sex sessions together (note: consent is obviously a given here):
We’re parents, so it’s pretty magical simply having any undisturbed grown-up time. It’s additionally amazing that we have enough energy to be awake during this grown-up time.
The shared intimacy of sex together, in any form, works to strengthen our relationship. It’s not just the physical exploration and enjoyment of each other, it’s knowing we’re both in the mindset to give of ourselves emotionally, without restraint.
Sex should be a time where you don’t have to worry. I know it’s not always like that in reality – I’ve certainly got my share of body issues, crises of confidence. A long time ago I learned that the less worry I endure during sex the more I can actually get on and enjoy it. I have resigned my worries of even if I’m going to orgasm, never mind trying to plan exactly when that will happen, if he’ll come at the same time, and scouring a glossy magazine to see exactly how shit we are as lovers if we ‘fail’. As a result, I find I enjoy sex in a more soul-restorative way.
Simultaneous Orgasms? Not A Sex Goal
For people who are curious about simultaneous orgasms, I hope this post has given you some ideas about whether to try for them sometime, and how you might go about getting there.
For those desperate to achieve simultaneous orgasms, who feel like failures during sex when it consistently doesn’t happen? Stop. Re-evaluate your sexual priorities and I feel certain that orgasming at the same time as your partner will actually be pretty low on the list, if it remains at all.
My partner and I barely ever experience simultaneous orgasms in our sex life, and you know what? It doesn’t even matter. Losing this pointless pressure has meant that I’m able to focus on more important things: shared intimacy, relishing a liberated sex life and worry-free, undiluted pleasure.
Hot Octopuss wrote a fantastic post discussing simultaneous orgasms, and you can read it here. There are points of view from various sex bloggers, and the results of a Twitter poll… Well worth a read!
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