John Thomas Woody Purple Silicone Dildo Review

John Thomas Woody Purple Silicone Dildo Review

The John Thomas Toys Woody is aimed at people who, while watching Lord of the Rings, saw the enormous Ents emerge from the forest, and thought to themselves “I wonder what an Ent’s cock looks like? I’d love to fuck one and find out”.

This is the Woody, an odd little monstrosity resembling a thick and prickly tree branch, from John Thomas Toys.

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Thanks to John Thomas Toys for letting me live out my Ent fantasies without fear of an actual splinter. But there is still the issue of those thorns, so to save my arsehole from being shredded to pieces during testing, I opted for this in the Soft variety, and in the entirely reasonable Medium size.

Like all John Thomas Toys, Woody arrives shrink-wrapped with a gold sticker of authenticity.

Also in the package is a felt storage bag, and a John Thomas Toys custom Vac-U-Lock compatible suction cup.

Design and Texture

From the head down to the base and everything in between, Woody features an instantly recognisable bark texture of a tree trunk, punctuated by rounded thorns, about an inch or so apart.

Ignoring the thorns and tree trunk texture, Woody follows a familiar penis-like form with a slight bend and even a ball sack at the base. By which I mean, you’re not going to be able to display this on your kitchen shelf and pretend it’s a purple toy for your pet dog. It’s patently obvious that it’s a dick.

On the base of the Woody is a Vac-U-Lock compatible cavity. This is true of most John Thomas Toys (though not all). Included in your order is a suction cup adaptor, which is useful. But of course, the Vac-U-Lock hole also means you can also attach Woody easily to a strap-on or even a compatible fucking machine (like the HiSmith Premium).

How Does Woody Feel?

Ok, I’ve joked that the thorny branches might be painful, but in Soft at least, they’re surprisingly harmless, and really just add a bit of texture to appreciate on an already quirky textured trunk.

Pointed toward the head, they feel like tiny little pinpricks as they push through a tight little hole; but in a good way. Once you’re rooted all the way down the shaft, you can have a short break. Riding back up again is easier, with the thorns pointed in the opposite direction, there’s less resistance, but you’ll definitely still feel them.

The last thing you’ll notice is his large bulbous dick head, which features a pronounced lip pointing downwards. It might go in easy enough with a smooth taper and a little pop, but it’ll sure as hell catch on something as you try to pull Woody out, providing one last little “ouch” on the ordeal.

At that point, you’ll probably reconsider your life choices. Then you’ll jump right back on him to do it all again.

It’s… Purple

Woody tried so hard to fit in with the other sticks. But he found it hard, because he was purple, in a most unstick-like fashion. Woody spent many hours wondering why he was purple, and not brown, like other wood-themed implements made of wood, or designed to look like wood.

My point is: John Thomas Toys, why oh why is the toy, that’s called Woody and modelled after a thorny branch, not brown? Here’s an artist’s impression of how it could have looked.

To be clear, it doesn’t actually look like that; that’s just my amateur photoshop attempt at fixing the colour.

Eventually, Woody gave up trying to be a wooden stick dick, and resigned himself to joining a hentai manga crew as a niche spiked tentacle trope, ready to blast forth from an innocent-looking schoolgirl’s loins as they reveal they’re actually a demon.

Is Woody For You?

Which leaves (get it, leaves?) us with the question: is Woody the branch you’ve been looking for to spruce up your toy box?

I’m still trying to work out if the Woody is supposed to be an instrument of pleasure or torture. It’s a delicate balance sometimes. In Soft firmness, it edges just on the side of pleasurable. If these thorns were any harder though, or the lip of the glans any less pliable, I’m not sure I could still proclaim that.

If you have a large shelf of dildos, Woody won’t be the most Poplar. This isn’t a dildo you’ll be indulging in every day. But on days when you need a little punishment and you’re feeling especially (t)horny, Woody will be there for you.

For that reason, I give the Woody (in Soft) an 8/10. The look on your sub’s face when you whip out this thorny purple log will be priceless. But it really ought to be more wood-coloured.

– Tigerlily

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Thanks so much to Tigerlily for this fantastic & thorough sex toy review! Find more fab dildo & sex machine reviews by Tigerlily here at CaraSutra -as well as at their own website, sextoydb.com.

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