It’s come to my attention recently that certain folks are against people having their fantasies and acting them out, consensually, with their adult partner(s). Rape fantasy, to be specific. Now, I’ve taken this a little bit personally, as rape fantasy is a very important part of my sex life – a very enjoyable part of my fantasy and real life.

Perhaps you think rape fantasy is all very well for those who haven’t gone through the horrors of rape. That women who hold rape fantasy dear to them somehow have a rose tinted view of what it involves. Well no, actually. I’m a multiple rape survivor and while it’s still difficult to admit that, I am simply not allowing those less-than-human-beings any more power over me or my life by silencing me after the event.

This adamant refusal to let the events and the perpetrators have any further power over me, mentally or physically, ties in very much to why rape fantasy is such an enjoyable roleplay and sexual fetish of mine. Rape fantasy and rapeplay isn’t a choice for me, it’s a need. My own research into the matter has shown me that those who have suffered real rape have a higher likelihood of wanting to or needing to incorporate rapeplay into their sex life with a trusted partner.

Now we are told that rapeplay has no part in the sexual consciousness or bedrooms of consenting adults and the proof of this is that any form of rape fetish is being stripped from porn. Even though consensual non-consent as a fetish is widely practiced and safely enjoyed by probably millions across the globe (I haven’t asked everyone personally), the very idea that someone could enjoy the roleplay of non-consent strikes terror into the heart of many a vanilla who doesn’t understand BDSM or YKINMK.

There are many styles of sex play, roleplay, fetishes and porn which incites a feeling of revulsion in the pit of my stomach. Mainstream porn quite often makes me feel nauseous. Yet I only have to travel down the road to see images not so far removed from porn displayed on large billboard in the centre of town where all can see, including kids. Is this right? I only have to type something innocent into Google Image search to non-consensually be forced to view a variety of sex acts that aren’t MY idea of lovely enjoyable sex. Yet because the majority see these as normal, they’re allowed.

Well MY idea of normal enjoyable sex for ME includes rapeplay and I love the idea, the reality, the representation of this misunderstood kink in whatever form and so on. My partner loves including this in our sex and I only have enthusiastic encouragement to continue, full consent, as much over the top beyond consent as you could wish. To be pinned down and told he’s going to fuck me anyway whatever I think, for me to struggle under his weight and within his tight grip, to tell him “no, please, no” and for him to respond that he’s going to take me and doesn’t care, to have the freedom to say no, with a safeword in place to let him know if I was in any physical, emotional, psychological discomfort, the comfort of knowing he would then stop in an instant, and the power to include rapeplay in my sex life despite my past, that’s incredibly valuable to me.

This is not a choice, it’s a need. In any case, I can’t help it. I have often tried to have lights off, safe-for-work, lick-and-kiss, gentle caressing vanilla sex and it lacks something for me. That something is enjoyment. I don’t enjoy vanilla sex. I need the passion, the biting, the growling, the slamming down into the bed or floor or against the wall, the name calling, the hair pulling, the fist around my throat, the mess, the rawness of nails digging into skin and scratching, the torrent of begging and need and filth that spills out of my mouth while he’s thrusting violently into me while I’m telling him not to, and the reassurance that he will fuck me regardless of however many times and different ways I tell him ‘no’ and ‘stop’. I feel safe, content and secure that he can tend to MY needs like this. I need to hear him overriding the words that come out of my mouth, while he directly accesses the need that is held within my mind. The two don’t have to match. The fact that they don’t is fucking HOT.

There are a lot of fetishes and kinks I don’t get. I see myself as part of the BDSM scene and incredibly kinky. I do not have a vanilla trace in my body. I don’t understand how people enjoy vanilla sex and vanilla peg-in-hole porn. Yet I don’t think that the visual representations of those activities should be removed or banned, simply because I find them disturbing or not to my taste. This is the root of YKINMK.

Then even worse, we find that some liken agreement of rapeplay porn to an acceptance of underage sex and paedophilia.

This is just so insulting I can’t even begin to find words to adequately sum up my emotions. Molly had a few choice words to say on the subject too on Twitter. I have children of my own and what happens between my partner and I in the privacy of our bedroom and sex life should not be so judged by others that we couldn’t, as part of our sexual enjoyment, find porn that reflects our (adult and consensual can I remind you) interests as part of that activity.

I also find it incredibly hypocritical that people are so quick to judge rapeplay and ageplay between two consenting ssc-aware adults with safewords in place, yet schoolgirl outfits for sexy roleplay are so accepted they’re seen on the streets on nights out and frequently referenced in modern popular culture and media.

Consider this, too. If you have ever looked laughingly or used in the context of your sex life either furry handcuffs or other light bondage sex toys, you’re already displaying traits of either consensual non-consent acceptance or enjoyment. Why put cuffs on if not for the purpose of ‘acting out’, or infact engaging in roleplay that one partner is bound ‘against their will’? Is bondage the gateway to rapeplay fantasy? Well it hasn’t stopped Fifty Shades of Grey being sold in Tesco and ASDA, has it.

BDSM is an integral part of sex and adult pleasure for millions of people wordwide. People for whom kink involves a lot more than shoving a silver pair of jiggle balls up her vagina or using a heart shaped spanking paddle to lightly pinken the skin in a Fifty Shades of Grey themed ‘love’ session. As I’ve said numerous times before and as I will say again, kink/control/power exchange isn’t just a want or desire, it’s a need for kinky people. These people, myself included, are adults, only have sex and sexual play with other adults, and indulge in consensual play. Even if that consensual play includes ACTING non-consent. There are safeguards in place to protect everyone involved, whether against physical or mental abuse or harm.

Porn made which is themed or relevant to rapeplay is made by consenting willing actors and of course non-consensual sex acts are illegal along with their representations. Rape and rapeplay are two very different things. Don’t take away my rapeplay porn and don’t take away my right to have sex and adult enjoyment in the way I want, I like, I need.




Cara Sutra


32 Responses to “You can take my rape fantasy when you non-consensually prise it from my kink dependent mind”

  1. sapiosadist

    As a man who has rough sex and rape fantasies (even typing that was hard to do) I think it must be acknowledged that to be a MAN who has these fantasies and likes this kind of sex is even harder to admit than for a woman. She may be thought a freak, he will be thought a very real danger of being an actual rapist.

    Ridiculous, of course, but the taboo and the judgement over even looking at vanilla porn is so prevalent that admitting a ‘dangerous’ kink is practically unthinkable.

    • Cara Sutra

      Thanks for your comment. This is a very important point, I’m sorry for not recognising it from the other way around in my post. You’re very right; society often sees men who engage in or fantasise about consensual non-consent as a danger. -sighs- It’s really interesting to get a man’s point of view on this, thanks so much for adding it here.
      Cara xxx

      • Samantha

        The most sure fire way to not only condescend, but revictimize a trauma survivor (and/or alienate any thinking adult) is to dictate the terms of her sexuality and/or healing.

        Even if I thought that what you were doing *was* unhealthy,(I don’t, for what it’s worth), I still have neither the right nor the standing to tell you how to express your sexuality with other consenting adults. This is Sexual Assault and Domestic Violence prevention 101.

        There are a lot of very well intentioned people who identify as feminists who inadvertently disempower their fellow feminists/women/humans. A for effort, F for execution.

        These are things what I also blog about at length.

  2. Anna Sky

    “I have often tried to have lights off, safe-for-work, lick-and-kiss, gentle caressing vanilla sex and it lacks something for me” <– so well said. Vanilla sex for me is like magnolia paint – dull and uninspiring. I had it for nearly 20 years, despite desperately needing something more. It was like an itch that needed to be scratched, with no respite.

    What I do in the privacy of my home, what I fantasise about is no-one's business except my own. I've not been raped, but have been in situations where I've said no and meant it, and it's been ignored. So, I don't understand why society judges me for having fantasies about having control taken away from me? Surely, that's my choice and I'm in a better place to make that choice?

    And I've never felt so loved, so cherished in my entire life as now, in a (20-year overdue) kinky relationship. We are exceedingly close, but that's because he knows my boundaries and my barriers, knows every tiny signal that my body makes, and knows whether no means no, or NO. How many vanilla couples can boast of that?

  3. understandingflutterby

    Thank you so much for eloquently articulating what I tried, clumsily, to say here( http://understandingflutterby.wordpress.com/2013/10/21/rape-playfantasies/ ) a few months ago.

    It infuriates me that people lack the intelligence to be able to separate what is a disgusting crime and a safe, consensual activity between consenting adults.
    I love to struggle against my man, I love when he restrains me and tells me he WILL take what he wants from me. It gets me off, and I refuse point blank to apologise for that to people who are so closed minded that they give ‘nillas a bad name.

    Flip x

  4. Galen Fous MTP - Fetish Sex Expert, Psychotherapist, Sex Researcher

    Cara…bless you for speaking up for your own truth…and for many others. It is still a challenge at all levels of society, I believe, to hold those with a Fetishsexual identity in a healthy, respectful regard, without the constant judgment that these “poor souls” must have been or are damaged or traumatized in some way. What seems damaging and traumatic, to me, are the outdated cultural, moral, social, political, legal, therapeutic and religious codes that tend or are intended to make people feel afraid, ashamed, immoral, criminal, pathological, sick, disgusting, or dangerous regarding their authentic sexuality. Fetishsexuals ( people with an innate inherent desire for kink, fetish, d/s-bdsm sexuality), are, in my opinion, about a generation behind the gay and lesbian communities in being recognized as valid representations of human sexual diversity.

  5. cammiesonthefloor

    Well stated, as the above people have already eloquently stated. And I haven’t even thought of how challenging it is from a man’s perspective and desire.
    A great read to recommend!

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  7. kinksrus

    What everyone needs to understand is that these fetishes are played out between CONSENTING ADULT HUMAN BEINGS, not children, not animals, and not adults who do not consent. As long as no one is hurt, physically or mentally, I see no harm in it. I may not enjoy your kink but you’re welcome to it; you may not understand mine but I ask the same respect. I used to love listening to Dr. Ruth Westheimer on the radio on Sunday nights in our dorm room. One night she told a caller to go have good sex. I didn’t figure out until years later what constitutes good sex is different for everyone.

  8. Steven

    If you are or plan to be screwing someone, you should be comfortable enough to have a conversation with them about what you like and what you want. If you’re not comfortable enough with that person to have that conversation, maybe you shouldn’t be screwing them. Beyond that, it’s really nobody elses fucking business. A prude can be a prude and a freak can be a freak, but neither have the right to tell the other that they are wrong. The next time someone tells you that you’re wrong for your fantasies, ask them if they’ve ever fantasized about killing someone. If they say no, then they’re a liar. If they say yes, then they’re a hypocrite. Either way you get the satisfaction of knowing that they’re full of shit. Cheers.

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  10. Missy May

    I’ve always been “you like it, I don’t, whatever!” about legal, consensual kinks. But this is the first time I’ve been introduced to YKINMY. Also, I never thought that rape survivors would enjoy rapeplay. Thank you for sharing this. Also, I love @Stevens comment.

  11. ASYoung

    My ex was very much into fetish play, including this fantasy. We enjoyed a healthy sex life in that regard. After a nasty, messy divorce, my wife, whom I love dearly and enjoy sharing a life with, is in no way shape or form into anything different than vanilla sex. I’ve tried, but she’s not going to bend on the subject. So, we have what we have. A good relationship with some great kids. Which one of us would be considered abnormal? Depends on who you ask. In her mind, her version of sex is normal and healthy. She’s not into kink. Me, I’ll take all spectrums of it, but truly enjoy the kink side of it. As long as all parties involved consent, and it’s between adults (no pedophilia or bestiality please) there should be no problem with it. Thank you for putting this out there.

  12. Tymber Dalton

    I engage in this kind of play with Sir. And yes, I have my own past experiences as well, but it’s not up to other adults to tell ME, a consenting adult, how to run MY sex life. I like this kind of play, among other reasons, because it IS safe, consensual, and to be honest, in that context it’s actually a comfort to know He’s stronger than me, like a reinforcing the strength of the lighthouse. I don’t have to worry about hurting Him when I “fight” back. It allows me (and Him both) to work out any aggressions or whatever we have against the world in a safe way. I like it, He likes it, it’s not doing ANY harm to anyone. If someone tried it to me nonconsensually–well, I have a concealed carry permit. But ONLY with Him, it’s safe, and anyone who doesn’t like it can go fuck themselves.

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  15. Anastasia Vitsky

    Cara, I’ve always believed in thoughtful adults coming together for discussion even when personal views may not be in agreement. In that spirit, I read your article despite my many personal and political objections to putting the words “rape” and “play” together.

    Don’t worry, I’m not here to preach. I am, however, going to thank you for 1) saying *your* truth without calling all dissenters idiots (which seems to be common in emotionally charged topics) and 2) sharing that you are a rape survivor. I’ve spoken out against the term “rape play” in many situations (saying we should use “rough sex” instead, or “consensual nonconsent”), and I say that the only people who have the right to use those words are those who have actually experienced rape.

    What two consenting adults do in their bedroom is no one else’s business. Non-con fantasies are appealing in many ways. Do you object to calling your fantasies and sexual play rough sex or some other term that doesn’t use rape?

  16. Hannah

    Thank you for writing this. As a CNC play female, the only way I tend to get off is via rape fantasies. I don’t know where this comes from nor do I ponder on why I enjoy this, but oh do I enjoy it. I used to feel so boxed in and restricted during sex as I didn’t feel I could express my true fantasies as I, 100% know, my partner would have looked at me as if I was something that just crawled out from under a rock. However more positively I have met someone who matches my sexual appetite and fantasies and more. I finally feel free to be myself ‘my sexual self’ for the first time in my life. I am enjoying celebrating MY choice to freely participate and explore this side of my personality.

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  20. erianalove

    Thanks for this. This is great. Thank you.

  21. Shane Aka-Corbeau

    preach it! I am sick to death of people thinking because it unsettles then no one should do it. Rape play is one of those areas that come with that instant only sick or evil people do it. So not true, in fact it is very helpful in my personal relationship with my wife.
    SSC always

    • Cara Sutra

      Thank you! Yes, SSC. Within that, whatever people want to do – if it’s fun and enjoyable for those concerned and involved then it’s noone else’s business. We shouldn’t have to explain our sexual preferences (again, if SSC and legal etc) to anyone else. Adult desires are many and varied and should be celebrated not jostled into some blinkered, beige, single flavoured task (IMO).
      Thanks for your comment!
      Cara x

  22. shayamkhan96

    I love the title to go with this picture

  23. Karen andrea silva hernandez

    There’s a book in amazon that push that uses the term CNC in a future where rape is legal. The name is THe V girl and now I’m intrigued.
    I had to investigate CNC and that brought me to this site. Kudos! You are defending your kink ! I wish I had someone I could trust to try it one day.

    • Cara Sutra

      Sounds like a potentially disturbing book, rape is different to CNC or rapeplay but yeah, it’s fiction so… yeah. I find CNC hot, with my partner, as I feel safe and loved and cared about. Valued and respected enough so that it’s my needs being fulfilled, not simply his.
      I hope you find your caring, respectful rapeplay partner one day 🙂
      Thanks for the lovely comment.
      – Cara

  24. sweetwomandirtymind

    I absolutely love this piece of writing. Bravo! And thank you for speaking your truth.

    “I need to hear him overriding the words that come out of my mouth, while he directly accesses the need that is held within my mind.”

    That line resonated with me so profoundly. I love rough, animalistic sex but had a VERY hard time admitting it to myself. (Good girls want slow, tender lovemaking, right?) Playing with CNC allows me to access that desire in a primal way, because he takes what we both want, even while I play the good girl and say no. It turns old shame-based messages into something very hot.

    • Cara Sutra

      Thank you so much. I am delighted that I was able to convey just how amazing rapeplay or CNC is, and can be with the right person.
      I’ve never been very good at playing by the rules (written or unwritten) so it came naturally to me to rebel against that ‘good girl’ and ‘gentle lovemaking’ palaver.
      Primal, savage, raw, carnal – these all scream passion to me. That need to fuck and/or be fucked. But obviously with an important core layer of trust and respect, with happy unpressured consent from all parties.
      Very happy you’re able to get your needs satisfied too 🙂
      Thanks for your lovely comment!
      – Cara

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  26. SamanthaCruz

    I know this is really really late but I just stumbled on this today and wanted to do a serious happy dance, I absolutely agree; I love my rape fantasies and love rape roleplay. it is so vastly different from actual rape. Rape roleplay is consensual, negotiated in advance and performed for the fulfillment of the VICTIMS fantasies; nothing about it is abusive or harmful and it is aggravating that so many people have a hard time comprehending this vital distinction. Fantasies are a break from reality; they aren’t real.

    Honestly i think i’m being selfish when i get the opportunity to play victim in a rape roleplay because i get to be the center of attention; the ‘evil men’ doing ‘horrible things’ to me are truly giving me a wonderful gift despite all of the appearances that i may give ‘in character’ – i absolutely love struggling; protesting; trying to escape and being totally overpowered and losing very very badly. it is an amazing rush of energy and about the most arousing way i have ever found to have sex.

    Thanks for writing the article!!

  27. Feministy

    If you accept the idea that women are infants in need of protection and care by men, everything the critics are saying makes total sense.

    If women are children, incapable of making their own decisions, then no… You shouldn’t ever roleplay a rape fantasy, because it would be no different from real rape. Children cannot give consent. Which is of course why they make the comparison to kiddie porn… In their mind, the two are equivalent. i.e., the exploitation of a person incapable of informed consent for the sexual gratification of an “adult” (male). (PS: I suspect this is also why the mainstream tends to not take it seriously when sexual assault involves an adult woman assaulting an underage male…)

    But of course, there’s no problem with a grown woman roleplaying as a sexy schoolgirl, because it’s just the literal acting out of a culture-wide belief that underneath it all, women are just children that you’re allowed to have sex with.

    None of this would be an issue if we weren’t dealing with a culture that infantilizes women whenever it has the opportunity.

    It really burns me up. :/ Do what makes you feel good. To hell with the idiotic mainstream.


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