Last Updated on 14 July, 2023 by Cara Sutra
Massage For Intimacy, Not Just As A Prelude To Sex
When researching ways to enhance the intimacy in your relationship, or to spice up your sex life, you’ll likely come across plenty of articles recommending erotic massage. I have also written several reviews for erotic massage candles and oils here at the Cara Sutra sex blog. Erotic massage is a fantastic way to shake up foreplay and can be a new way to arouse each other before sex – but today I want to talk about massage for intimacy, not just as a prelude to sex.
Why? Well, if you only view couple’s massage as sexual foreplay, it purports the myth that there is a script and timeline for couple’s intimacy. That a couple are either physically together and not being intimate in any way, or that they are physically together being intimate in ways which will ultimately and inevitably lead to sex. With sex being the sole aim of any shared intimacy.
But sex is not the only way to strengthen your emotional bond with your partner. It is merely one way of several.
Couple’s Closeness Shouldn’t Mean Sex or Nothing
Viewing sex as an inevitable, scripted and set timeline event, and the only way you can be intimate with your partner, can lead to less emotional and physical intimacy in the long run. One or both partners are at serious risk of feeling like any instigations of physical intimacy has to ultimately lead to sex. That if they desire touch and cuddles from their partner, they are automatically consenting to sex. This means expectations, pressure and potentially drawing away from physical closeness on occasions because full sex isn’t wanted. Partners may find themselves being physically apart throughout all other parts of the relationship unless they’re having sex, which can seriously negatively impact the relationship.
Let’s forget sex for a minute. I know it’s hard (sorry), but we’ve got this. Instead, think about establishing a close emotional bond with your partner. Enjoying regular emotional and physical intimacy which doesn’t involve or require sex.
When you take sex out of the equation, you may find yourselves rediscovering all sorts of feelings and sensations about your partner – and yourself. Enjoy the visuals, without pressure to touch. If and when you do want to get physical, take time to appreciate how your partner feels -without expectations, pressure or a deadline for sex or anything sexual.
How To Strengthen Your Relationship with Couple’s Massage
Talk To Your Partner
How do you properly prepare for an intimacy-building couple’s massage? First, make sure your partner would enjoy a massage date with you. Broach the subject when you’re both relaxed; over a meal, while watching TV or during pillow talk. Be clear that this would be for both of you, to enjoy being close without any pressure for ‘more’ or sex, to rediscover the intimacy you likely had during the honeymoon period of your relationship.
If they’re agreeable then you can think about setting a date and time, just as you would for any other important appointment together. Don’t set the date too far into the future though, otherwise one or both of you may get ‘cold feet’ from overthinking the massage session, where anticipation can morph into anxiety.
Pre-Load Your Massage Tips
Next, you need to think about what you’ll do during the massage. Get some general massage tips online – YouTube tutorials are very helpful!
Here’s a great example:
Choose Your Location
Once you feel confident with a few massage techniques, think about location. Where will your relationship-strengthening massage take place? A good massage is easiest to give and comfortable to receive on some sort of bed, so the bedroom is the obvious choice.
Prepare The Area
A welcoming, peaceful environment gets your massage session off to the best start, so make sure the room is tidy, with all dirty laundry out of the way, clothes safely in closets and no dirty cups or crockery on the side. Get clean sheets on the bed, but give some thought to protecting them if you’ll be using massage oils which could stain.
Sheets of San Francisco provide fantastic fluidproof sheets (our Sheets of San Francisco reviews) -but if you can’t stretch to those, have a Cumpanion towel handy (our Cumpanion review).
Purchase Massage Supplies
What will you use to give your partner a great massage? -and, to receive one in return? Unless you have in-date body-safe oils in your store cupboard, chances are you’ll need to purchase some massage supplies before the session. Don’t leave it until the last minute, as the worry that they may not arrive in time won’t be conducive to being thoroughly relaxed and looking forward to the intimacy-building session with positive excitement.
A massage usually requires some form of oil, as this helps your hands glide over their skin and allows you to provide a light, medium or deep tissue massage without uncomfortable friction.
There are specific massage oils which are skin-friendly and long-lasting, such as the System JO All-in-One Sensual Warm Embrace Massage Glide.
I particularly love massage candles, as these infuse the room with a beautiful scent, the candlelight is warm and relaxing, and the candle melts to a warm-but-not-too-warm massage oil which you can pour into your hands or directly on your partner’s body. Make sure you light them well in advance so that enough oil has melted to use during the session.
I recently enjoyed using the Lovehoney Apothecary Massage Candles (here if you’re in the UK) which cost just £20/$25 each. You can read my full review here, which includes video.
Browse massage supplies at Lovehoney.com, Lovehoney.co.uk, Bondara or SheVibe.
Ensure Privacy
You could prepare everything perfectly, set the scene and have the supplies to hand – only for the moment to be ruined by an awkward interruption.
Plan ahead and turn off your phones, make sure the children are tucked up in their beds for the night (or have them looked after elsewhere for a real treat), close the curtains and lock your bedroom door.
Knowing that it’s just the two of you, without any potential interruptions or a premature end to the massage session, will help you both be as relaxed as possible and open to creating loving intimacy.
Strictly Comfortable
It’s imperative that in your couple’s massage session, designed to build intimacy and strengthen your relationship, you both only do what you’re comfortable with. This is a form of active consent, which is mandatory at all times in a healthy relationship.
Lose the pressure on yourself to be perfect. Allow slip-ups and laugh at yourselves together. Enjoy the time together, rather than striving for that perfect massage. Use the relaxed ambience to talk openly and honestly to one another about whatever is on your mind -perhaps ideas or issues you’ve struggled to bring up with your partner before now. Be the people you were when you were first dating, when you were in the first flush of attraction towards one another – not necessarily physically or sexually, but the facets which made you fall in love with their personality and soul.
In Conclusion
When you enjoy a massage for intimacy, not just as a prelude to sex, you will discover that physical closeness without sexual pressure leads to greater emotional closeness. Setting the time aside to focus on yourselves as people who choose to be in a relationship together, instead of just ‘strangers who meet in the night’, will not only strengthen your relationship as a whole, but also build each partner’s confidence, trust and security within that relationship.
For your next date, why not choose massage for intimacy, rather than erotic massage or sex? You may be surprised at the lasting benefits to your relationship.
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