Last Updated on 1 November, 2025 by Cara Sutra
How many people have you had sex with? It’s a personal question, the answer to which some people ascribe weight and meaning. Today I am exploring whether how many people we’ve slept with in our lives really has any relevance or importance, whether you’re navigating life single or in a relationship. What do you think? Have you ever been asked your ‘number’? Does your number of sex partners really matter?
Society Attitudes Over Time
When I was a teenager and throughout my 20s, I remember peers, pop culture and the media judging women, in particular, who had supposedly had a lot of sex partners. Men who had sex with plenty of people were praised as being a ‘lad’, a ‘player’, a ‘ladies’ man’; while men who didn’t get much were seen as ‘losers’ or ‘rejects’. In stark contrast, women who had a lot of sex were labelled ‘slags’, ‘sluts’, ‘loose’, ‘the village bike’ and other similar charming phrases.
Now I’m in my 40s, I see things have changed a little – men are just as likely to be berated for having a lot of sex partners as women are. The idea that a man, who may or may not be a potential candidate as a partner, has had a lot of sex, somehow deems him unreliable, likely to have a roving eye or be an active and unrepentant cheater. I don’t think that judging a person of any gender negatively for their number of sex partners is the progress any of us were hoping for.
Culturally Embedded Misogyny
Where does this criticism come from? In my opinion, judging someone’s character and moral value based on number of sex partners has deep roots in society. The patriarchal, misogynistic and often religious attitudes of the past ascribed a woman’s value and purity to her virginal status until marriage. We can still see this belief in some parts of society and the world today. Therefore, the idea that a woman has less worth or is of ‘loose morals’ (whatever that is supposed to mean) because she has engaged in sex with a lot of people must be a hereditary attitude from past times in society.
Fidelity Worries
Meanwhile, there is the prevalent idea that a man may be incapable of remaining faithful in a relationship simply because he has slept with a lot of people in the past. This comes from a deep-rooted belief in society that men are somehow slaves to their sexual lusts, not helped by the high percentage of male violence – and particularly sexual violence – against women. People of any gender are allowed to have as much safe and consensual sex as they like, though – judging anyone’s principles or standards of behaviour due to their number of sex partners is foolish.
Sex is a personal choice, and what matters most is whether it aligns with one’s values and desires. People have sex for various reasons – pleasure, connection, curiosity, self-discovery. As long as it’s consensual and safe, it doesn’t define someone’s character and it isn’t a measure of someone’s worth.
Consider the Benefits
On the flip-side – are there any benefits to having a high number of sex partners? Rather than assigning outdated, sexist or other judgemental notions to sexual partner quantity, it’s interesting to consider potential plus points. If someone has had a lot of sex previously, hopefully they are at a point in their life where they have learned much about themselves in a sexual way. What turns them on – and what doesn’t. If they have any kinks & fetishes – or none at all. How to communicate effectively in the bedroom. How to not be threatened by sex toys. The wonders of lube. Where the clitoris is. You know, important stuff.
Human Sexuality is not Finite
Humans are not batteries, somehow losing sexual energy, potency and imagination with every use, until they are fully drained with nothing left to give a potential partner. We are not diminished by each sexual interaction. Vaginas do not become stretched beyond stimulation potential; penises do not become worn down like the nib of a pencil with frequent use. We are renewable, in all ways. We get older, yes – but we learn as we age. Just like regular workouts build your cardio stamina and help develop stronger muscles, having plenty of sex partners in life can result in a well-rounded, sexually healthy person with wide-ranging experience and a wonderfully creative imagination.
In some cases, the issue arising from the number of someone’s sex partners doesn’t come down to negative judgement, but rather a source of insecurity and personal performance doubt. You might feel intimidated when you find out that your partner has a high number of previous sexual partners, especially if your own number is significantly lower. It can open the door to worries about whether you’ll ‘measure up’ in the bedroom, if your partner will compare you to the countless, faceless others plaguing your imagination. These concerns have little to do with the number of sex partners and much more to do with self-esteem issues and the need for more open and honest reassuring communication within the relationship.
In Conclusion
Does someone’s number of sex partners really matter? Not in reality, but how much it affects you personally will depend on your perspective and the context in which the number is being discussed. A person’s ‘sex number’ is often a controversial topic for the various reasons mentioned in this article, but when all is said and done, it doesn’t matter at all. It has no bearing on someone’s morality, ability to remain faithful, or worth as a person.
If you’re currently in, or considering, a relationship with someone who has what you consider to be a high number of prior sex partners, and this is upsetting to you, take time to consider why that is the case. What really matters isn’t how many people they’ve slept with, it’s how they treat you, their attitudes to shared intimacy and your mutual ability to communicate openly, honestly and respectfully.
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