I know, not going to be a shock to most of you.
However I do enjoy being tied up in the bedroom, bondage of many forms, restraints of leather cuffs or the art of shibari. I enjoy him ‘making’ me suck his cock, talking filthy to me, name calling, scratching, biting, hair pulling.
But I do think this isn’t really me submitting, as much as enjoying the pleasurable, physical sensations. Getting what I want and need, at the same time that he is, not really a power exchange as much as us fulfilling one another’s wants and desires and lusts and depraved kinks.
Through the years I have wondered if I was in fact a switch, able to swing from Dominant to submissive as the roles fit the partner, or as I chose. I don’t think this is the case now.
When pushed, I need to be in control, yes even in control of how I am tied up, bound, how I am teased, how I am held… ‘forced’ being part of the play, just a novel addition to the scene in which we role play different settings, age play plus many more.
It ties in (pun unintended) with my need to be cared for, to feel affection that had been lacking in previous life and relationships. To be able to push and rally and rage and storm against a partner and be held tight anyway. To know they are there regardless of my behaviour, whether that be bratty for effect or a temper flaring over a matter.
To know I am always taken care of, to have someone to hammer my fists against their chest, Scarlett O’Hara style, then dissolve into tears when I need it. I think that is the attraction of kitten-play along with age-play. It focusses more on taking care of me and my needs, rather than a denial of them. That sounds awfully selfish. I suppose it is.
To me, the Daddy/little girl play is not disgusting, it is not awful or some sign of our inner immorality or a desire to do anything truly disgusting. I am a grown woman, with all the physical and mental accoutrements that means – as well as all the mental and emotional baggage. But to revert to even playing as a child, to have someone with whom to let go of fears, while being at the same time completely irrational – but loved so uncomditionally by a role made for the purpose – that is attractive in itself.
The addition of being the brat, attempting to manipulate the ‘Daddy’, be the little girl that’s the apple of his eye, the darling that he will do anything for, be hopelessly devoted to – yet when needed he will use a firm, immovable and unshakeable will to say, ‘No’ in a tone that brooks no argument, to place a hand bigger and stronger than mine over mine and let me know that he is in charge and in control. That I don’t have to worry. That I don’t have the make the decision. There is the lure, the seduction in that.
It perhaps helps that I have never really used the term ‘Daddy’ in any other way than sexual, for kinky pleasure. My own father is an emotional blank and I don’t feel and have never felt like the apple of his eye, like he saw me as anything particularly special. In fact growing up he resented me looking so much like his sister, whom he hated. There has always been a distance. I can’t remember him ever telling me he loved me, the only time he held my hand was when required, to cross a road perhaps. No spontaneous affection or hugs. I don’t say all this to garner any pity or sympathy but hopefully to go some way to explain my background.
But then now I have my own children. They use/will use the term ‘Daddy’. Yes, they do – and I relish their innocence and their association with affection from someone who will love unconditionally. To be a proper parent, father. They will have that.
For me however I see it as too late and I am already screwed up. A therapist’s dream? Probably. Daddy issues – I mean how boring. But in no way am I blaming my past for my interest in kink and BDSM – I think that is somewhat innate. Part of who I am – in fact there is a genetic history of kink in our family, my paternal Grandmother was also a Dominatrix, I found her kit at about 8 years old.
There are a myriad reasons why I need to be in control of my own pleasure, some from childhood, some from other relationships, some which … I don’t really want to think about.
But to submit as how I see a ‘proper’ (how inappropriate a word, I know) submissive does, to relinquish all control, the submit themselves to giving up sexual pleasure to the control of the Dom/me or Top, to be humiliated and used and denied and tormented… that would certainly break me. I feel upset even thinking about it. It’s just not me.
I could never be just someone’s toy, an object. If I give myself sexually I give myself emotionally – these days, anyway. It’s all linked together. To give myself sexually and to be spurned, a joke, rejected and denied… no. Not going to happen.
At this point I can hear the submissives crying, “but, it isn’t like that, I am very loved and I get fulfillment from X, Y or Z.” Well, I completely agree. You do. That’s how you are and that’s what you enjoy, what you need. But this post is about me and on my blog so you will hopefully excuse me if I word things from my personal point of view. There are probably countless people who think that Daddy/little girl and ageplay is entirely disgusting and shouldn’t exist and I am a worse person for feeling fulfilment from it.
Well that’s sometimes how I feel about the Gorean lifestyle in my head, but I don’t insult members of that lifestyle for whom it is their chosen path to satisfaction and pleasure.
I don’t really know where this post was headed. After reading an autobiographical account of a submissive however, I did want to get these thoughts out of my head. I feel like it’s really helped to further clarify in my mind who and what I am. I am not a power freak, but I do need to be in control of my own pleasure and destiny. Even in control of how I give up control, temporarily.
I am not even the sort of Dominant that really needs to be in control of anyone else. Yes it is fun and they get something from it as their need. But I do not need to control others in order to live my life. It’s a fun addition.
What does all this make me then? Not submissive yet not actively, stampingly, Dominant to everyone… affection through sex as some kind of twisted need… Control addict? Well only of myself…
Just a me, I guess.