Relationship Counseling, Relationship Coach & Marriage Therapy
Marriage therapy and relationship counseling have so much advice to offer -but how are we supposed to know what works and what is a waste of our time?
Having studied relationship counseling, done marriage therapy, and now working as a relationship coach, I can tell you most of the advice out there even the tested methods produce little to no longer-term results.
Firstly, most marriage therapy or relationship counseling completely lacks the integration of sex.
Sex is a big part of intimacy, connection, and pair bonding in a relationship, and yet it’s ignored by more relationship counselors.
Secondly, most marriage therapy is based on the medical model, so they try to fix what is wrong and not find and enhance what is right or could be amazing.
Our mind and how we relate is not the same as fixing a broken bone.
So, I have put together some tips here of the relationship tools I have found to really have a massive impact on couples I help as a relationship coach.
A book was written called “The 5 love languages”. It’s essentially a way to understand how your partner learned to feel loved and valued as a child and based on that know what makes them feel the same way today.
Often when we don’t know our partner’s love language, we spend a lot of energy and time doing things to make them feel special that might not have much of an impact.
Using this simple idea and the questions to discover your partners love languages, you can ensure your love bucket stays full.
It’s when its run’s dry that you are in trouble.
So, the first tip I give in my relationship counseling is how to identify your partner’s love language.
I call these key moments.
Some have a much bigger impact on your relationship.
Get them right, and your relationship will seem to flow easily and get them wrong, and there will be an underlying resentment that causes mistrust and everything to be difficult.
These key moments are when our partners need our support the most, and if we show up in these moments will often define the relationship.
You can have every logical reason for not being there, but that will not matter.
Emotionally there is no grey area here. You are either there or not.
If you want to learn how to find your partners key moments and how to act to ensure your relationship flows, then check out my number on advice as a relationship coach.
This is taken from Emotional Focused Therapy, one of the most successful relationship counseling methods.
Knowing your partner’s attachment style and how to make them feel safe is the number one way to reduce conflict in a relationship.
But what if you could also identify their and your triggers and know how to stop them from escalating and instead turn them into intimacy and connection.
Well, it’s possible when you know what your partner’s attachment style is and their triggers are.
I have done a lot of online marriage counseling with couples, and this is the tip that seems to break the cycle of conflict for most couples. ,
Why is that so important?
Well if you can’t express your needs, clearly you will not get what you want and slowly you will build up resentment and feel dissatisfied that will result in a disconnected relationship or a break-up.
And boundaries – why do we need those?
Boundaries are the same. We have often learned that we have to be “good” meaning make other’s feel good and often at the expense of our own boundaries.
This, however, creates resentment and disconnect.
There is no connection when we do things out of obligation and allow our boundaries to be violated.
So, setting clear boundaries has 3 benefits.
- It prevents resentment
- It creates a space to connect rather than disconnect
- It allows for more freedom. What? You might think.
Yes, when you know, you can trust your own boundaries and that your partner respects your boundaries you can play around more.
I so often hear women say they don’t want to engage in foreplay because then they feel an obligation to have sex and they don’t always want that.
Well if you know, you can express your boundary, and it will be respected then suddenly you can explore foreplay and see if you get turned on without any obligation.
Can you see how boundaries can create more freedom to explore?
Now, this is a big one in my marriage therapy when I work with couples.
What is this mystery we call intimacy, and why do we experience it with some people and not others?
Yes, there are many ways to experience intimacy such as shared interest, values, sex, and so on; however, we can also share interests, values, and have sex without experiencing any intimacy.
So, what is this secret formula for intimacy?
One of our most fundamental needs, and what makes us feel connected to our parents is when we feel accepted.
As adults, this fundamental need is the same; however, because of the wounds and shame we experienced growing up, we now have many vulnerabilities that we hideaway.
Intimacy is when we expose those vulnerabilities and are meet with acceptance.
This can happen by us expressing something vulnerable. It can be sharing a sexual fantasy. It can be using dirty talk for the first time. It can be anything that feels vulnerable and where we fear judgement but are instead meet with acceptance.
It’s my number one Reddit relationships advice.
For more information, you can check out the links in this article that will give you more in-depth descriptions of all this.
May your relationship flourish.
– Thomas, Zensensa.com