My Domination: Perception Vs Reality

How people perceive my domination, and the reality of it, is something which has fascinated me for some time. You would be amazed at some of the comments directed my way over the years simply for the ways in which I choose to enjoy my natural dominance, as well as how my actively consenting submissives enjoy it, too. Some of these comments are borne from ignorance, some from jealousy, some from malice, and others simply because the person spoke without properly thinking it all through. Which is absolutely forgivable – I do it myself often enough. Plus, I completely understand that for those not in any kind of D/s relationship with me, with only a few publicly revealed facets to draw conclusions from, it’s easy to misjudge the reality of my dominance based on a skewed perception.

My Domination: Perception Vs Reality

What They Say

The majority of publicly palatable BDSM, the only type the mainstream seem to be able to handle, is female submission. I’m not going to get all ‘fuck the patriarchy’ in this post*; I’ll assume you know what sort of a world we still live in (that said, change is afoot, slowly but surely).

My Domination: Perception Vs RealityThis makes female dominance something of an oddity, when it comes to many people’s opinion of this area of BDSM. Even for many people within the BDSM sphere. In fact, I’ve written previously how I feel that female dominance is the BDSM scene outsider.

Being rather loud and outspoken about my dominant orientation online and in the scene (I’m loud and outspoken about other things in my everyday life, don’t worry), I soon attracted negative comments about the way I identified and how I chose to fulfil my desires, to try and digest along with all the positive playtime I enjoyed.

Through social media, or on blog comments, or relayed to me through the hushed whispers of ‘helpful’ inbox messages, I was informed that actually, all submissives hate being shouted at. Fancy that! All of them. Every single one. Not a single male (or other gender) submissive out there enjoys being shouted at by a Mistress/Domme.

My Domination: Perception Vs RealityYes, I have shouted at submissives during D/s sessions. They broke down and cried. I adored their tears. This was also always consensual, followed up by much aftercare, I was thanked on every occasion for fulfilling their need.

Another comment: I was ‘very hard’ on one of my slaves… this comment from a different slave of mine, at the time. I’m very hard on them? But not on you? Why do you think that might be? Perhaps because what you perceive as ‘very hard’ – TOO hard, in fact – is what they absolutely crave? Maybe that’s the nature of our relationship, consented to, communicated in advance, worked towards together… but it’s wrong for you. And that’s why YOU’RE not treated in that way. Because we have a completely different relationship, a different D/s bond.

It’s almost like… I don’t know… I don’t just blanket dominate my submissives and slaves, but take the time to find out exactly what turns them on, what their desires are, how they will find maximum fulfilment. As if despite being dominant, and having my unique brand of dominance, I put my all into tailoring that dominance as best I can for each specific chosen submissive or slave of mine.

Like I say, I definitely have my own unique character when it comes to my domination. There are certain facets of dominance I see in others which simply aren’t me. Just as there are facets of vanilla relationships which aren’t me -but then, people aren’t so quick to judge simply because you aren’t a PDA type of partner, or you’re just not into using pet names for one another all the time. In BDSM though, where the diversity of consensual activities and the players participating in them should be welcomed and celebrated, there’s a surprising and often disappointing amount of competitiveness, judgement and disdain.

Orientation Vs Roleplay

I’ve spoken about my orientation in the BDSM scene – if you’ve somehow missed it, I’m dominant. Orientation is one thing, but how is that actively perceived and enjoyed by submissives and slaves? It’s unlikely that a sub will feel that their desires have been recognised and satisfied simply by being sat next to me as a Domme, 100% of the time.

Hello, roleplay.

My Domination: Perception Vs RealityYes, I’m dominant (you probably got that by now, huh?), but it’s the roleplay elements which really get the sparks flying when it comes to satisfying D/s sessions with a sub or slave. After all, I don’t stride around in thigh high boots and latex 24/7 (sorry to burst your bubble); neither do I treat absolutely every person in my life as if they were my submissive. I’m still dominant in myself at all times; yes, when I’m out with my family, yes, when my partner ties me in a Shibari harness and fucks the hell out of me, yes, when I’m in my pink fluffy pyjamas watching Come Dine With Me. I’m also a sexual adult woman, I don’t have to be actively demonstrating 24/7 it in order for it to be true.

Roleplay -as well as utilising fetishwear with strong traditional connotations of FemDom and D/s- helps to focus everyone involved in a BDSM session and helps to intensify and enhance feelings of dominance, submission, and intoxicating arousal.

My Domination: Perception Vs RealityFlashes of this ‘roleplay’, such as name calling, a reminder of past humiliating tasks, a haughty attitude or other mutually understood reference to that very personal and intimate D/s bond, can add an exquisite frisson, an addictive sizzle of excitement to the briefest of moments or occasions.

Of course, these moments and actions are mutually understood and enjoyed, as part of that unique relationship. But in an arena where they may be onlookers, the online world, an entire D/s bond as well as the entire nature of a person can be quickly, harshly and wrongly judged simply on that one second peek into a world they’re not even a part of.

Mind Your Own

Attempting to perceive the reality of someone else’s nature and/or relationship (D/s or vanilla) is a hazardous pursuit, especially when judgements are being made purely on glimpses you see in the online world. Rarely if ever do people put the full story of a happening or relationship online; photographs are filtered, stories are exaggerated, personalities are caricatures and otherwise impossible fantasies seem to be everyday life.

My Domination: Perception Vs RealityBDSM should be consensual and fun. They’re the only rules you need concern yourself with. To judge anyone else’s activities or relationships is to actually say something along the lines of:

“I don’t like it like this, I think you should do it like this instead.”

“I don’t like you like that, be this person instead to fit the idea of what you are and what you do that I have in my head.”

“As a submissive I like this sort of stuff and you’re not compatible with my wants, therefore you are the one who must be in the wrong.”

The consent and fun elements in BDSM are the business of those involved in the D/s relationship only – no one else’s opinion, input or approval is required.

Whether you’re into female led relationships, or pro-domme sessions. Whether you’re a soft-spoken, tender domme, or the kind of shouty bitch who brings a man already on his knees to actual tears. Whether you require financial tribute and dominate as a career path, or feel that accepting money or gifts isn’t for you.

Have tons of fun. Congratulations on discovering the way in which you enjoy BDSM, and FemDom in particular.

Meanwhile, I’ll carry on being true to myself, and to those who enjoy submitting to my definite and determined flavour of dominance.


Cara Sutra Signature

*but also: fuck the patriarchy



  1. “The majority of publicly palatable BDSM, the only type the mainstream seem to be able to handle, is female submission” [in a patriarchal society]
    If people go to cinema to see superheroes saving the world, it’s because it never happens in real life. They wouldn’t enjoy going to cinema watching people having a normal boring life, because, hell, they already live that daily!
    Therefore, as for me, a basic typical patriarchal men enjoying his daily life being the big boss all the time… should enjoy being dominated and treated as a sissy dressed in panties or whatever he likes by a dominatrix women! That’s something he’ll never experience in real life. And for once he wouldn’t be the one in charge will all that … burden of responsibilities.
    Same principle as the Carnival where social order was traditionally reversed.
    But maybe people repress themself… Stupid.

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