Why I Don’t Like Smartphone App Controlled Sex Toys
I don’t like smartphone app controlled sex toys. There, I said it. Yes, I know they’re all technological and wondrous and I should probably be ecstatic about the advancements being made in the sex toy field. But when I realise the sex toy I’m going to use has an app, I can’t help my immediate response:
“Oh no. Now I’ve got to try and figure out how this thing works.”
Yes, I’ve Previously Enjoyed Smartphone App Controlled Sex Toys
In the past, I’ve used and quite enjoyed some of the various app controlled sex toys. I’ve also endured using some app controlled sex toys which were not impressive in form or function. With some on each side, the list includes: the We Vibe sex toys (UK readers click here), MysteryVibe Crescendo, Fun Toys GBalls 2 and the IMTOY ZOO Giraffe.
Sometimes – when it comes to app controlled sex toys – the sex toy itself is fantastic; sometimes, not so much. Basically, they’re sex toys which have been designed so they’re operated via an app, as well as buttons on the toy itself. Often, the buttons on the actual toy don’t give you the full spectrum of operation that the app offers. I can enjoy a well-designed, powerful vibrator which just happens to have/be operated by an app. Having said that, I’m more likely to reach for a well-designed, powerful vibrator which doesn’t require me to use an app at all.
What Bugs Me About Sex Toys With Apps
When I use sex toys, I want to be able to pick it up, forget the world and open myself my mind & body to my favourite fantasies. Or to indulge in the physical and psychological pleasures of sex toys in the company of my partner/lover.
I must spend at least 90% of the rest of my life with my phone in my hand. It’s where I check emails, store important appointments on my calendar, keep my shopping list, giggle on Facebook, rant on Twitter and Insta my coffee and cat pics with the best of them.
When I masturbate, I want to Put. The. Damn. Phone. Down. I don’t welcome this need to hold or use my smartphone during what I view as an act of physical and psychological surrender to stress-free pleasure. Plus, I really don’t want grandma’s latest Facebook comment to flash up in my notifications just as I’m crashing into my O; nor do I want a reminder about tomorrow’s cervical smear test.
The struggle is real, folks.
Personal Sex Toy Usability Criteria
What makes me not only want to reach for a sex toy time and again, but not even realise that it’s become a favourite until I notice that it’s constantly within easy reach/plugged in/charged up/ready to go?
Here’s my personal criteria:
- Body-safe, non-porous material & design
- A shape which suits my body
- 100% waterproof
- So easy to figure out that I don’t even need instructions
- Makes me orgasm. Preferably extremely easily, and violently.
Bonus point: A standard USB/micro USB charging lead, or else at least a lead which stands out amongst the sea of weird, unique leads sex toys often have.
Once the above criteria are met, I don’t care what the sex toy looks like, or what colour it is. I mean yeah, it’s nice to have pretty things. It’s better if they actually work. To have both is a bonus but I know which I prioritise.
Loved & Loathed Sex Toys
As a sex toy reviewer, a big sign that a sex toy is a real hit with me is when I forget I need to review it. I’m too busy enjoying the product, and it becomes a seamless addition to my masturbation & sex life. Instead of reaching for a sex toy because I have to, in order to take notes/review, I’m reaching for it because I genuinely want to feel the pleasure it can give me, over and over again.
Of course, even sex toys which don’t have an app and are relatively easy to use can fail to deliver. I was disappointed by my experiences with the EVA by Dame, the Tantus Rumble Wand and the Jimmyjane FORM 5.
And although I’ve had a lengthy previous love affair with LELO sex toys, I just can’t bring myself to use any of them any more.
Rechargeable Sex Toys
I’ve found that I prefer rechargeable sex toys to battery powered ones. There are obvious benefits like not having to source/stock up on the correct batteries. Although the old “you won’t run out of power at the wrong time!” rechargeable toys marketing spiel isn’t exactly correct (as anyone who has forgotten to charge up their favourite toy knows), the power from plug-in or rechargeable types have left my battery powered toys in the dust*.
Having said that: please could we consumers have extremely easy to charge products, manufacturers? Please provide standard or micro USBs. So many of my sex toys have come with whatever unique lead probably cost a few pence less – but which I’ll use once, then promptly lose in my ‘mystery leads’ drawer for all time. Cut to me never using your product ever again because I can’t charge it.
Also: wobbly magnetic connections and docks. I’ve used too many sex toys where I need to construct some sort of desktop scaffolding to get the lead to stay in the right place, or balance the toy on a dock in exactly the right position to get it to charge, or else invoke a sacred charging ritual by carefully piecing together a specific USB port – product dock – special connector thingy – sex toy sequence. When I want to play LEGO, I’ll play LEGO.
Are All App Controlled Sex Toys Rubbish?
Not in the slightest. I’m definitely not saying that people should hate on or avoid smartphone app controlled sex toys. What I am saying that I prefer sex toys which either don’t have an app or else don’t require the use of the app in order for me to access their full spectrum of operation.
I fully recognise that there are sex toys which are brilliantly designed, powerful, breathtakingly efficient in their orgasm-inducing task. Some people welcome this age of technologically advanced sex toys with open arms (with smartphone or tablet in one hand, of course).
Perhaps at heart I’m a Luddite. Or maybe it’s age-related; I’m not quite knocking on 40’s door but I’m in the garden and cooing over the well-pruned rose bushes.
Although I don’t much like smartphone app controlled sex toys, and prefer sex toys that are so easy to understand/operate you just instantly know upon opening the box, that’s not to say you’ll be the same. Or that you even should feel the same. Love your app controlled sex toys? Great. There’s certainly a fast-increasing amount of them available as sex toy tech finally catches up with the digital age.
For me? When faced with a choice between a sex toy with an app and a sex toy where I can just push a button and buzz myself happy, I’ll go for the app-free toy every time. Yep, even if those buttons are a bit fiddly, a bit hard to reach. I’ll take that over juggling toy, phone, tech.
God knows I pick up my phone enough times in the day without grabbing it for orgasms as well. Add in slippery fingers and quick-dial FaceTime? A disaster waiting to happen.
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*That reminds me, I must sort out under the bed
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