Do You Feel Guilty About Secret Sadistic Desires?

How To Stop Feeling Guilty About Your Sadistic Desires

By Cara Sutra, for Fetish Friday

“I’m a vicious sadist – and I secretly harbour cruel, sadistic desires.”

It sounds like the opening line in some sort of therapy group for criminals, doesn’t it? However, there are plenty of people out there who have sadistic desires in a consensual, power exchange way. Do you identify as a sadist in the BDSM community? Do you ever feel guilty about your sadistic desires?

Do You Feel Guilty About Secret Sadistic Desires

Inflicting pain or suffering on another person is wrong. We’re taught this from a very early age.

Don’t kick. Don’t punch. Don’t bite. Don’t tease. Share your toys. Be nice.

When we go through puberty and then later reach adulthood, it can be difficult to comprehend and accept feelings which go against this basic life lesson from childhood.

Now, I’m not here to tell you that any and all sadistic desires are OK. If you ever have the urge to harm other people in a non-consensual, non-BDSM, non-kinky manner, then you need to seek help. Immediately. Tell someone – your doctor or the police preferably. What I am discussing today are sadistic desires in the context of consensual, kinky, adult sex and enjoyment.

And that’s the key to quietening any guilt and unlocking what would usually be described as the bad sadistic desires: consent.

What about when you don’t have a consenting partner or party and you still experience sadistic desires and fantasies?

It can be understandably difficult to enjoy sadistic fantasies when you don’t have the consenting equaliser actually physically present, consenting and fulfilling your sadistic needs. When we enjoy fantasies, the person we’re dreaming of doing those things to is only in our minds, which could easily lead a person to think that they’re wrong, ‘deviant’, sinful or otherwise bad for thinking those things – especially if you’re a sadist.

The issue of feeling guilty about sadistic desires isn’t one I’ve seen discussed online much – in fact I can’t find information on it anywhere. I’d be happy to read any links my readers would like to place in the comments section at the bottom of this article. Why isn’t this talked about? My personal opinion is that within the BDSM community (including power exchange, S&M, D/s chat forums and blogs) sadism is identified, understood and enjoyed under the umbrella of consent from the sub/masochistic party’s side. Because that consent is mandatory and those in the BDSM community wouldn’t (shouldn’t!) ever consider acting on their kinky desires without consent, people may feel that guilt shouldn’t and/or doesn’t exist.

Sadism is a strong theme in BDSM, so there’s no need to feel like you’re the only one with these inclinations and enjoying these fantasies. In fact, BDSM itself stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism. Sadistic desires aren’t just common in the BDSM community, they’re part of the internationally recognised acronym. It’s not a sub-set fetish like foot fetish, adult baby, DD/lg – your kink is right up there in the top four.

There’s something else to consider too, if you’re a sadist feeling guilty about their sadistic desires. Would a sadist in the usual, criminal and wrong sense of the word ever feel guilty about their cruel fantasies? It’s unlikely. The guilt here stems from the lack of the physical presence of a consenting partner to that sadism, and without active consent the sadist may feel that their thoughts are bad. The very fact that you’re feeling guilty about it is testament to your good character, and your need for consent from your masochistic equaliser. A consenting partner.

Take a proper look at what your sadistic fantasies comprise of. Is there a willing, consenting partner involved? Are they getting fulfilment from you carrying out these sadistic actions on them? Have they perhaps begged you to do these things to them before the scene takes place? Then these are fantasies which have consent as their foundation and you can enjoy some peace of mind. After all, where would the masochists get their satisfaction if it weren’t for sadists?


This article was written to answer a very interesting email I received from a reader this week. If anyone would like to help by providing their point of view, experiences or advice in the comments, my reader would be very grateful – and I’d be very grateful and interested too. Thank you! 🙂


Do You Feel Guilty About Secret Sadistic Desires

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  1. I fully agree with you that when the consensual partner is there the idea of guilt disappears. Even sadism can be experienced with love.

  2. […] about more controversial fantasies though? Those of hardcore sadism or masochism? Cara Sutra has written a good blog post about that on her blog, so I am not going to spend much time discussing those particular fantasies. […]

  3. […] about more controversial fantasies though? Those of hardcore sadism or masochism? Cara Sutra has written a good blog post about that on her blog, so I am not going to spend much time discussing those particular fantasies. […]

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