The Seven Deadly Sex Sins: Wrath
Maybe We Should Go To Bed Angry: by Jon Pressick of Sex in Words
Anger, in sex and relationships, is not an easy matter to discuss. The societally enforced fantasy is that we find someone, we fall in love, we stay in love and we live happily ever after. Never is there a problem. Never is there an argument. Never is there disagreement. And even on the very off chance that a wee misunderstanding comes up, never do you go to bed angry.
Of course, this fantasy is rarely reality. If it is, here’s hoping you also play the Lotto and bet at the racetrack because you obviously have some kind of lucky horseshoe stuck right up your ass (and if it feels good in there, enjoy!) For the majority of us though, we have relationships that do involve conflict and resolution, arguments and peacemaking.
And this is completely natural. We are humans and we get angry. People do things we disapprove of and it hurts us. People sleep on couches all the damn time because arguments do not always end at bedtime. In really extreme situations, our wrath can be an overpowering emotion that causes significant relationship damage. And while it might not be your biggest concern at the time, that wrath, this month’s deadly sex sin, could irreparably damage your sexual relationship.
Before discussing the specific issue of anger affecting sexual relationships, we must remember that domestic violence, including non-consensual sexual assault and rape, is a serious issue that affects far too many people—the overwhelming majority of whom are women. And there is absolutely nothing at all sexy about domestic violence. If you are in a relationship and your partner abuses you, emotionally, mentally, physically, financially or in any other way, there are organizations in your community that can help you with the situation.
Hopefully it isn’t too odd and jarring to transition this discussion into a portrayal of positive sexual violence. But there is potential here, if the situation is conducive.
The first we need to do is define, probably loosely, the idea of positive sexual violence. There are many acts, that are either sexual or related to sex that can be considered violent. However, because they are given a context, they are not considered a negative or problem situation. These actions, such as spanking, paddling, slapping, punching, caning…the list goes on and on, would be considered an act of violence if they occurred on the street. However, in the context of a consensual relationship, a hook-up or long-term, it is definitely possible to consent to sexual violence.
And it could be entirely therapeutic for both parties involved. It could be a way to resolve conflict, conclude arguments and deal with wrath.
This line of thinking will fly in the face of relationship equality and what we know about domestic violence situations. It is a challenging thought and it will definitely not be for everybody. However, the institution of physical punishments to resolve angry situations could turn into a deeply connected new relationship.
If you look again at the small list of violent sexual acts noted above, it shouldn’t be hard to draw a clear connection to BDSM. It is well-known and understood that many BDSM acts are, by definition violent, though the intent is very often not meant to convey anger and violence. These acts occur within a negotiated role play where a safeword is set, whether that role is temporary for a scene or an orientation lived daily. Regardless where your relationship falls on the spectrum between these two, using sexual violence as an anger resolution tool could prove to be both helpful and sexy.
Now, you might be thinking about power imbalance. If, as is often the case, one partner is a Dominant and the other is submissive, how can an argument ever be resolved in a sub’s favour? This is where both partners must be resolute in their belief in this new anger resolution technique. Normally, it would be a bad idea for a Dominant to take out their anger on a submissive, however, if both partners agree to parameters, then safety and common sense should prevail. It is easy to imagine that scenario and dynamic.
On the other hand, it is more challenging to figure out how a sub could resolve their anger on a Dom/me. Perhaps, if the submissive has any switch tendencies, they could turn the tables and the Dom/me bottoms for some painful fun. Or perhaps the sub suggests sex that falls outside their normal D/s relationship. Or the sub might even withhold their body altogether. All of these solutions have flaws in the context of D/s specific relationships, but they could work more easily with partners who are more incidentally into hot hot hurting.
One almost traditional way of settling an argument with positive sexual violence, if the two of you can come to an actual agreement, is spanking. Given the increased popularly of BDSM activities in recent years, spanking is a much more known, understood and enjoyed sexual activity that does carry with it the potential to be used as punishment. It sure is popular in role play, with Over The Knee (OTK) spanking being a very hot variant.
Another option for settling arguments could be some hot, erotic wrestling. Grappling might be dependent on the two partners’ respective sizes and weights, but if they are evenly matched, wrestling can be extremely sensual. You also get to determine how you want to pin each other. Even if your wrath levels were super high, by the end of some sexy wrestling, you’re more likely to be exhausted OR laughing OR fucking.
Above all of these methods of wrath control and anger resolution, one key elements is a definite constant: Communication. None of these methods, fun or therapeutic, can happen without negotiation and explicit consent. You can’t just take your partner, pull down their pants and spank them over your knee out of the blue. That won’t solve issues. That is violence. But if you can discuss and agree beforehand, wrath might melt away with each red hand print.
Would you even be able to think about sexual resolutions in an angry situation with your partner?
– Jon Pressick
About the writer: Jon Pressick is a sex-related media mogul. He is also a writer, the editor of the Best Sex Writing series from Cleis Press, co-host and producer of Sex City Radio, event organizer, workshop facilitator, (very occasional) burlesque performer and general sexual gadabout. Jon Pressick also won the prestigious 2010 TNT Favourite Adult Journalist Award and has been named as one of Broken Pencil’s “50 People and Places We Love.”
This article contains affiliate links