Sexy, Single & Dating: Are Dating Apps Any Good?
By Cheryl Kaye of HornyGeekGirl
I ended my first column with the news that I had joined two dating sites, and hoping that by the time I came to write this column I would have been on some dates. I’ve been on one, and I will tell you about it but today I want to talk about the sites I used, and the men on them.
I’m still unsure about the whole dating thing, I’ve spent almost five years hiding from the world due to anxiety. That’s not an easy feeling to overcome. Especially when I combined with my occasional low self-esteem. Sometimes feeling like I don’t deserve better, or that I always fall for guys who are ‘out of my league’. Yeah, I know I’m trying to work on that, and believe me the sometimes is much better than the always it used to be. The people I’ve met during that time were generally friends of friends that I met through twitter, or forums. I wasn’t meeting complete strangers like I would be using online dating.
I wanted to start slowly so I just joined two sites at first. Both are free because money is a definite factor for me, and both have dating apps; one is a relatively well-known site, the other is a new one that was recommended to me by an acquaintance. When I first joined I tried putting that I was looking for men and women in both apps but when I did this neither app seemed to want to suggest any women. So I ended up deciding to use one app for men and the other for women.
The first, and more successful site (or rather app) I joined was OkCupid. You upload some photos, write a profile and you’re good to go. You can also set age and distance preferences. I set both but not really sure what it was supposed to do because neither setting seemed to filter the results in any way. I will say I’m not sure there is any point in anything except the photos, not because I don’t care (I do) but because so many people (men) don’t bother to read your profile. They like the look of you from your photos so they message you. My account went live at about 2am, by the time I got up and checked it the next day (about six hours later) I had over 70 messages – which you would think would be a good thing. However, of those 70 messages (yes, I really did read them all) about half lived in another country, a load more were out of my age range (yes, I do have an age range), and the rest… well it was painfully obvious that only about 5 of them had actually read my profile.
I replied to each of those five. I answered any questions they asked, and responded to any comments they made about my profile, and then asked them questions about their profile. In short I made an attempt at getting conversation going… and then waited to see if we would click. Sometimes it can be hard to build a good rapport via messaging but I feel more comfortable using text. I also think it can be quite easy to weed out the people you don’t want to meet in person. The ones that make your spidey-sense tingle.
All the other messages I deleted. Not long ago I would have attempted to answer them all with polite thanks but no thanks. However, I learnt very quickly that being polite only ever had two outcomes: Either I was a slut, whore, skank, bitch, fugly (who even uses that word), fat, miserable, frigid, cunt. Or I was just wrong. Really they were perfect for me because… enter lengthy explanation into why I should consider them. The first one is easy to ignore, it’s just bruised egos talking. The second response bothers me a lot more, not only because refusing to take no for an answer is really NOT an attractive quality, but because of the underlying entitlement that means they can’t accept no as an answer. A man who won’t accept no at this stage is not a man I am going to be willing to meet or be alone with. I already know they don’t see no as a definite answer; they see it as a starting point for negotiations. And that makes them dangerous.
The other app is called Bumble [Android/Apple]. It is touted as being better for women because women have to make the first move. You add photos, and your name and location but that is it, no profile or interests. Then you swipe for people you’d like to know more about, right swipe if you want to message, left for no. If you both swipe right the woman has 24 hours to send a message. This time limit has caught me a few times. Because it doesn’t notify you that you have a ‘match’, you have to keep checking the app to see if you have one. I love the concept of the first contact being the woman’s responsibility but I don’t know why there’s a time limit. Sometimes I don’t get chance to check my phone so could be missing out because I’m not on my phone constantly. So I haven’t met or even connected with anyone though Bumble.
Of the five messages there was only one person I really felt like I clicked with and he’s the person I ended up going on a date with… but more about that next time.
– Cheryl Kaye
About the writer: I’m Cheryl Kaye, I started blogging as HornyGeekGirl two years ago but I have always been a writer. I’ve loved telling stories ever since I was young. I started by making up life stories and scenes for my dolls and toys, and since then I’ve written about many different subjects but none of them have felt as right to me as the writing I do now. You can check out my website at http://hornygeekgirl.com. You can also follow me on Twitter and Facebook.