Don’t Call Me Baby: When Sexy Roleplay Is A Complete Turn-Off
By Cara Sutra
There’s a particularly stomach-churning part of the internet which insists on foisting sexy roleplay on to others while completely bypassing the need for consent or even an ounce of interest from the other party. Without turning it into a gender war, this does majorly seem to be men viewing unsolicited sexy roleplay as a way to ‘pull’ women on the internet. Or at least a way to cushion the blow for the next message, which would of course be the unsolicited dick pic.
Tweets, Facebook messages, emails or any other sort of internet based message calling me ‘baby’, telling me I’m a ‘naughty girl’ and informing me in detail what you’d do to me is not only disrespectful it’s also repulsive. I have not consented to engage in sexy roleplay or sex chat with you, in fact I am not interested in you at all. Seriously, there’s 0% chance that I am going to have a single sexual thought about or feeling towards some free sex-chat hunter who types one-handed from his home-made fortress of crispy tissues. The type of guy who thinks the epitome of seduction is to fire a volley of misspelled sexual references and presumptive labels at anyone he deems worthy of such a high honour.
Hey, that guy: people on the internet aren’t simply there waiting for the privilege of being selected as your personal wank fodder on any given day. It may sound alien to you, but some people are on the Internet for other reasons than to entertain the undoubtedly disappointing contents of your underwear. However I choose to share myself on the internet – through writing, promotion, photographs – that does not ever give you the right to presume I will engage in anything sexual with you, whether ‘just chat’ or actions.
You might be thinking, “Well they’re only words. Get over it. Ignore. Delete, block and move on.” Yes, in the case of messages and tweets they are only words, but they’re words which are inappropriate, cringe-inducing, disrespectful and bypass the need for my consent in the matter. Approaching me with this intent and sending me those words without caring if I want them or not is wrong. You (hopefully) wouldn’t approach some woman you like the look of in the street and start calling her your “sexy baby” and tell her what a “naughty girl” she is and what you’re “going to” do to her (seriously, this is the worst), so don’t do it online. It’s unattractive. Actually, it’s repulsive.
It would be slightly better if the guys sending these messages knew they were being horrendous, disrespectful pricks, but plenty of the ones I’ve been unfortunate enough to encounter seem to genuinely believe this behaviour is both attractive and complimentary. As if treating a woman like some cyber wank sleeve is the epitome of seduction.
That’s not to say I don’t receive any respectful, lovely messages. I’m still not interested in having sex with any other guys than my partner – but the messages I’m talking about here don’t presume that I ever would. As shocking as it may be, it’s possible to communicate your attraction towards/admiration for someone without resorting to spewing mid-wank guttural utterances in my direction and soiling the inside of my brain.
While we’re on the subject of internet-based respect and consent: while I respect your right to choose a dick pic (or spread arse, or vulva etc) as your social media avatar, I don’t necessarily want it shoved into my eyeballs. In my opinion if you choose such explicit photos as your profile pic then you should take a lot of care over who you message/tweet – because in so doing you’re also forcing a person to view that photograph. There’s a time and place for porn, for naked images and yes, even for dick pics. Just because it’s the right time for you doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the right time for me. And just because I work in the adult industry it doesn’t mean I consent to see your cock/cunt in my face any time of the day or night.
In summary: Don’t call me baby.* Don’t call me a naughty girl. Don’t tell me what you’d like to do to me. It’s not that I just don’t care, I genuinely find it nauseating. Not just the assumptions but the disrespect and the lack of care for consent from my point of view. You’re not being seductive, you’re being a revolting pig.
*To those of a certain age: apologies for the ear worm. I have had the Madison Avenue song in my head all morning.