Single Life, Sexuality & Dating
An Introduction by Cheryl Kaye of HornyGeekGirl
Just a few years ago I was certain about so many things. I was positive I was ‘straight’, I could acknowledge that I found some girls more attractive than others but I figured that was just what everyone thought. Occasionally, I would think about what it would be like to kiss a girl, to taste her, to run my hands over her body, and to have her do the same to me. But I knew I loved cock, I wasn’t gay. This confused me, no one I knew ever talked about bisexuality. As far as I knew you were either gay or straight, so I felt like these thoughts about women were just another thing about me that was weird. No one else ever said they had those thoughts, and in fact if you ever mentioned a girl was pretty it would create a big fuss. So, it was something I never talked about because I didn’t have the words or the safe space to talk about it.
I also thought that monogamy was the only option, and because I hadn’t found that one man who was perfect for me I was somehow failing. And by perfect for me I mean the guy I would meet, fall madly in love with, and marry (because that’s what you were supposed to do). We’d have a few kids (if he wanted them because I wasn’t bothered) stay married for a few years until one or other of us got bored and it all fell apart. Growing up I only saw a handful of successful marriages, mostly in older people; my grandparents, a great aunt and uncle, and my parents. My great aunt and uncle had been together for 65 years, and they died within a few months of each other. My parents didn’t meet until they were in their 30s but then my mum died after they’d been together 15 years (married for 12). Every other monogamous relationship I came into contact with as a young person had dissolved after a few years. It’s no wonder I always said I didn’t want to get married.
Then there was kink, something else that I had been made to feel it was weird for me to like. I shouldn’t want to be spanked, or to tie someone up, or to dominate a man, or to be tied up, or to want to play with toys. With many of the people I was friends with growing up sex just wasn’t something you talked about. You could vaguely mention sex, and maybe have a drunken laugh at an Ann Summer’s party but you definitely shouldn’t go into details about how much you liked sucking your boyfriend’s cock, or the vibrator he’d bought you when he got his orders, and had to leave for training, and you definitely shouldn’t mention the nipple clamps you’d picked out together. This type of conversation would make most of my friends hush me, while looking scandalised. There’s an episode of Sex and the City where Charlotte (who has been married a few months) is at lunch with her fancy college friends, and when they’re teasing her about all the newly wed sex she must be having (she’s not had any), she loses control and screams about just wanting to be fucked hard. Her friends are horrified, and I really understood how Charlotte must have felt right then.
I spent years dating men and keeping certain parts of myself hidden because I either didn’t know how to broach the subject, or because I’d had a bad reaction from previous dates. When is it okay to ask someone to spank you? For me there has to be some trust before I want to ask that but if you wait to tell them you’d be interested in trying it they tell you they didn’t know you were that sort of girl. I once asked exactly what sort of girl that was, and was greeted with a barrage of the most misogynistic, shaming drivel I had heard (up until that point). We didn’t last much longer after that. I’d also had a few extremely unpleasant boyfriends who were emotionally abusive, and in one case very rough with me… I still struggle with control in blow jobs because of him. It left me confused about the line between abuse and kink, which is why trust is so important to me, and why I am so big on consent.
Then I started blogging as HornyGeekGirl. Slowly, as I joined in with the community, my eyes were opened. I found out lots of people are bisexual, not to mention pansexual, asexual, transsexual, and polysexual. There are lots of options, and you don’t need to fit someone else’s label. When I first started the blog I considered myself to be more bi-curious than truly bisexual but even then it was more in theory than in practice. It was only after a conversation with a friend at an event last year that I realised I was definitely bisexual, and not only that but it was something I very much wanted to explore. I just wasn’t sure how to do that. Sex blogging also opened my eyes to the myriad possibilities for relationships. I’d always been wary of marriage, and said if I ever moved in with a guy again I wanted my own room, so I could still have my space. That was all about my beliefs about monogamy but now I saw there were other ways to be; I could have an open relationship with a primary partner. Which also meant I could still explore all the new aspects of myself. I know I’m more dominant (and my dominant side is kind of a bitch) but I was also curious to see if I had a submissive side (I do but she’s less submissive and more bottom). These new ideas about relationships meant I could have one person who was my main focus, and still enjoy all the other things I was interested in.
I’m not great at ‘dating’. The last six guys I’ve been intimate with were all people I met through Twitter (naughty and normal), and with the last few it has been friendship with sex rather than a relationship. Which is probably best as I’m not even sure what I’m looking for anymore. So actual dates haven’t really happened in about ten years… I occasionally try internet dating but it usually ends in disaster either before or on the first meeting. At that point I get discouraged and swear off it for a bit longer. I’ve also not tried internet dating since I started HornyGeekGirl, although I’m much more confident than I was two years ago. I’m learning to love who I am, and to not be ashamed of asking for what I want. I still wobble sometimes, especially when I get my emotions involved. That’s usually when I clam up and stop speaking because I am so scared that admitting the truth about what I feel will give the person the power to hurt me. It’s hard when your past experiences have shown you that if you love someone they leave (voluntarily or not), or if you admit to feelings they’re not interested and walk away.
But I am getting braver, I signed up to a new dating site (well two actually) and hopefully by next month I will have been on some dates, you never know I may even have kissed a girl… and liked it.
– Cheryl Kaye
About the writer: I’m Cheryl Kaye, I started blogging as HornyGeekGirl two years ago but I have always been a writer. I’ve loved telling stories ever since I was young. I started by making up life stories and scenes for my dolls and toys, and since then I’ve written about many different subjects but none of them have felt as right to me as the writing I do now. You can check out my website at http://hornygeekgirl.com. You can also follow me on Twitter and Facebook.