Sex is not a race to orgasm

Sex: Not A Race To Orgasm

Orgasms feel fantastic. Many have tried and few have succeeded in describing exactly what an orgasm feels like. The peak of sexual release, a climax. Tipping over an edge, free-falling into a lake of white light serenity. Orgasms are just fucking ace and I love them.

Recently I started thinking about how orgasms relate to sex. Sometimes I hear people talk about sex and orgasms almost interchangeably.

“I want to get fucked, hard.”

“I so need to cum.”

“I need to get laid.”

“I’m so fucking horny I’d shag anything.”

Being something of a masturbation advocate (hellooo, sex toys) I find it fascinating musing over what makes a person need sex with another person rather than just having an orgasm on their own. Although not all sexually active (or otherwise) adults can masturbate themselves to a satisfying orgasm, plenty are able to, and a lot of these people still desire sex with someone else at some point.

There’s something undeniably intimate, intense and unique about sex with a partner. The whole act is much more than boarding the sexual release ship and hoping your chosen shipmate will take a turn at the wheel. Personally, I find that sex with another person is an ‘experience’, whereas masturbation tends to be about a ‘release’. There’s exceptions of course – quickies can be purely about the release and a particularly brain-melting wank session can be an experience – but on the whole I masturbate in order to orgasm and I fuck in order to enjoy & share that experience with someone else.

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This leads me nicely to my main realisation. Sex is not a race to orgasm. I don’t have sex in order to have an orgasm and my partner doesn’t just fuck me so he can ‘shoot his load’ and roll over, done. Although my initial stirrings towards sexual activity can feel similar to the urge to masturbate, there’s a whole other layer of thoughts and feelings happening in my mind as well as the increasing demands from my clit and the aching of my cunt. I want to have sex with my partner because I love him, because I find him sexually (and physically, and mentally) attractive, because I want to realise the close bond we share in some physical, familiar, enjoyable and memorable way. As well as because it feels good and he’s brilliant at it, obviously. 🙂

What I don’t think is, “Ok, so I need an orgasm. Yo partner! Sex me up?”

No, sex is something else entirely. And I don’t feel this way simply because I’m in a long-term relationship with my partner so it’s got all lovey-dovey and mushy rather than frenetic and all about the fuck. I’m a bisexual woman and my relationship with my partner allows me to enjoy sex with women. I might not be in any type of romantic and emotional relationship with a woman I have sex with, and it’s still not simply an act pursued for physical release. I mean fuck yeah, it’s hot and horny and sexy and gorgeous, but there’s something more than that. It’s two people with an attraction coming together, without any need or pressure to come together.

I’ve enjoyed discussions with several girl sex partners about a refreshing element of lesbian sex: the absence of an ejaculatory exclamation mark to the whole affair. The first few times I had sex with a woman it was really quite shocking how relaxed and enjoyable sex can be without a penis in the room.

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Luckily for me my male partner understands that there’s more to sex than simply emptying his ball sack into a cunt rather than his own hand, but several male partners in my past didn’t grasp this concept. I’ve felt in years gone by that sex was about the man’s need to orgasm, and I was the one deemed lovely and attractive enough to help him achieve that perfect end to sex. I’ve since come to understand that an ejaculating penis is not the final curtain for sex, nor is sex The Erect Penis Show. Sex is about sharing pleasure and sensations for all partners involved, and for me it’s a meeting of minds as well as touching, stroking, teasing, fucking, enjoying power exchange play – and perhaps an orgasm or two if we so choose.

If sex is not a race to orgasm, and it isn’t about the penis, then there’s something else enjoyable at the root of the majority of the adult world’s sex obsession. Regardless of the reasons people have sex with each other – a need to feel more secure in a relationship, some kind of power trip, intense physical attraction which demands realisation, love, ego stroking, procreation, a way to pass the time – sex is a shared experience which has the power to change your relationship with another person, ruin relationships, cement relationships, create unforgettable memories as well as, of course, create new life. You just don’t get most of these from a jack-off or hump-yourself-silly session.

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Once you realise that there’s something uniquely magical about sex with another person you can move on from regarding it as the scenic route to your next O. It opens up new and interesting pleasure and play potential, instead of pressure to make your partner orgasm, or feeling pressure yourself to orgasm within an acceptable timeframe in the sex session. Remove the need to orgasm from the sex equation and you’re left with the pursuit of mutual pleasure. It’s incredibly liberating and could help you realise different activities during sex that you might not have considered as you were too busy orgasm hunting. I know I bang on a bit about power exchange but for those open to a bit of kink it really is game-changing when it comes to sex.

Power-exchange, kink, or BDSM isn’t restricted to those in a sexual relationship, and it’s not something which is solely enjoyed as part of sexual intercourse foreplay or other sex session or bedroom fun. I’ve enjoyed power exchange sessions with men for years as part of my FemDom life, and for the most part these Mistress/slave relationships have been devoid of sexual activity and any sexual contact whatsoever. BDSM isn’t about sex, although sex can be enjoyed as part of BDSM fun. All of this said, realising that sex is not a race to orgasm opens up the potential to develop kinky adult pleasures with your partner if you do happen to be in a sexual and romantic relationship.

Power exchange isn’t an activity I’d advise for casual sex encounters. This is because the amount of trust involved and the possibility that a person may be less able to physically move or communicate their needs than usual makes power exchange and kink best indulged in with someone you know well and can absolutely trust. Your needs have to be completely understood and respected, and issues of boundaries and full consent need to be top priority at all times without any muddying of the waters. Traffic lights, safewords, the whole she-bang.

If kink isn’t your thing, if being restrained to the bed and teased til you’re begging and crying sounds vile and the thought of ageplay makes you feel sick, then fair enough. YKINMK. But without the stupendous pressure to reach an orgasm finish line during sex you can at least consider different pleasure options. Even if you think you’re covering all bases during sex with your partner, what your imagination conjures – now it has the freedom to wander – might surprise even you.

 

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