Keeping Things Real for Long Distance Lovers: When Dirty Talk Is The Sex
A lot of the advice out there about dirty talk treats it as a sort of accessory to “real sex”. It’s like putting a feather boa on: it’s all fun and tickly and exotic for maybe ten minutes, but at some point you’re gonna wanna tear it off because it’s getting in the way of the good stuff, e.g. skin on skin action, with grunting and groaning and that’s when things get really real. Dirty talk is treated more like foreplay for physical sex, easily dropped when you’ve gotten to the juicy bits.
But what about when the juicy bits are just not on the calendar for weeks or months? What if you are in a long-term, long-distance situation—whether you are choosing it or it’s been forced on you—and your talk time is pretty much your sex? How can you keep your sex life hot when voice or video is all you’ve got?
That is challenging. I say this as someone who has been in and out of various long-distance relationships for going on 10 years now, and who is currently counting down the months until I relocate to the same continent as my primary partner. For several years, he and I have been playing around with all different ways of dirty talk, in some very trying technical and domestic situations. It’s not what we want. But it means that I have a lot of thoughts about how to make that dirty talk come as alive and “real” as possible.
As it turns out, quality dirty talk for long-distance relationships is as much about how you use the technology as it is about what you actually say:
- Choose quality over immediacy. If you have a shitty internet connection for whatever reason, Skype is a bad choice. If either of you have terrible cell phone reception, don’t call, or at least don’t call and expect to go deep with your sexy time. The dropped calls and spotty internet are going to take all the intimacy out of your conversation, making it an exercise in “what did you say?” “What?” “WHAT” Or you’ll spill out some sizzling-hot shit, drowning in your own arousal, and you’ll open your eyes and look up at the screen and realize that your partner’s image has frozen, and they probably missed the last 20 seconds at least. Skip the irritation and record a quality audio or video file and email that. You’ll be dealing with delayed gratification, but that’s not always a bad thing.
- Layer the media exchange. If you decide to go with emailed sound files, but you still want an interactive component, have your lover video themselves (or record audio) responding to your audio file. It is as if you are watching them watch or listen to porno that has you as the star. Very gratifying, very hot. Advanced round: while you’re watching their video with sound on—you might be surprised by how your partner starts talking to the recording as if they are talking to you!—see if you can synch up your original audio recording to their video, so that you’re witnessing both sides of this recorded “conversation.” (Tip: Listen for the sound-bleed from their headphones.)
- Multi-task more. Another way to combine aspects of both media, especially if you have crap bandwidth but decent cell-phone reception, is to have your lover video themselves jacking off while you are talking with them on the phone. Whoever is operating both phone and video will have a lot of buttons to push and keep track of, but you get both the live experience and then a video memory to cherish.
- Aim for authenticity. When sending audio recordings, it’s tempting to write it all out in advance and just read it out loud, like erotica. This is fine, but I encourage you to experiment with recording in situ, in the place or state of mind that you are trying to make real through your voice. One night I was exhausted, but I could not stop thinking about those moments in the middle of the night, when my lover and I bumped against each other, and where that sometimes led. I could have written out some notes in the morning and recorded a proper piece of erotica, but I was feeling it right then, so I just fumbled around on the nightstand for my phone, and started recording a murmured night-fuck story. The sound file was probably 50% longer than it needed to be, because I was talking so sleepy and slow, but on the other hand, I was very much in the moment.
Obviously, all of this advice still works for phone sex between non-remote lovers. But I wanted to give a special shout-out to my “forced” long-distance lovers out there. I feel you, I know your pain, and trust me, it can get better. Go forth and be filthy.
– Cameryn Moore
About the writer: Cameryn Moore is an award-winning playwright/performer, sex activist and educator, sidewalk pornographer, and a long-time phone sex operator. Her work in theatre, literature, and activism/advocacy is both a challenge and invitation to adventurous audiences everywhere. She is the writer and performer of four solo shows: Phone Whore, slut (r)evolution, for | play, and The Pretty One (and other things that need to be said). To date, she has toured these shows to nearly 50 cities around the world.
Cameryn is the creator and host of Smut Slam, a storytelling open mic, and Smut Slam Cabaret, both featuring real-life, first-person sex stories. When not performing, Cameryn sets up her world-famous traveling Smut Stand, providing bespoke typewritten erotica on the spot to happy drunks and discerning passersby. She currently winters in Montreal, which is exactly as stupid as it sounds.