A guest post by Giles English
How Do You Get Your Partner To Dominate You?
Unless your kink is likely to trigger some past trauma in your partner, just ask.
Seriously! That’s not bad advice because if you don’t ask, you will never, ever get. (It does help if you ask right, but we’ll get to that.)
Since kink is not a separate part of our personality, you may find your compatibility extends into some deliciously dark places – a Canadian survey shows roughly half of people fantasize about erotic domination and submission. And if the answer is a resounding, “No!” then at least you gave them a chance to make you happy.
Also, follow through!
I mean, once you’ve established it’s OK for you to dress up as a latex wombat in bed while your partner throws chocolate Easter eggs at you – that’s normal, right? – then stop talking about it and start setting it up. Then suggest doing it. (All that requires a little thought and effort – we’ll get to that as well.)
So there’s Asking and Following Through.
There are certainly wrong ways to ask and wrong things to ask for.
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Asking a male partner to “…be more take-charge/dominant/play me like a musical instrument just like that sexy Christian Grey/Werewolf/Highlander/Viking Warlord in the film/book I masturbate over” is probably wrong. It’s in the same league as, “Why can’t you stand up to your boss and get a raise?” If he doesn’t already do this, then you’re asking him to be a different person. Would you really be involved with him if he were a bad boy lycanthropic alpha male? Really?
Asking a female partner to “…be more sexually manipulative and withholding while being really hot like a cheerleader in a 1980s college sex comedy but also sophisticated and confident like the mature dominatrix whose videos I jerk off to” is also probably wrong. It’s akin to “Why can’t you be younger and have bigger breasts?” And would you really want to be paired off with the bitch bimbo from hell? Honestly?
In fact – before you leap on me and say, “These are gender stereotypes!” – my point is that asking in a way that seems to measure your partner against dated sexist ideals is definitely bad.
Less obvious: those are also bad ways to ask because they are vague. I mean, what does “Dominate me!” even mean? (Perplexed partners are always popping up on fetish forums to ask this question.)
The right way to ask is to be specific and focus on activities, not feelings:
- What’s in it for them? This is the biggy… I’ll talk about it more in a moment.
- What would you like done? Seriously, your partner isn’t telepathic.
- What will the end point be? Your partner needs to know when things will end, otherwise they’ll start second guessing you and get self-conscious.
- How will you get your orgasm (if at all)? Mostly this is to avoid crossed wires.
- How will they get their orgasm? Inexperienced people playing dominant roles need permission to “use” their partner.
So, don’t say, “Be more take charge in bed!” That will just lead to misunderstandings and performance anxiety!
Do say, “You like oral sex. I have this fantasy. Suppose you to tie me up while I struggle feebly, ‘make’ me do oral on you until you get off or I safe word. You can then release me and I’ll masturbate or we can have sex if you feel like it.”
I said What’s in it for them is a “biggy”. Really, it’s the key. The ideal – easy! – way to get kinky sex is to find something vanilla – something that is not kinky – that your partner already likes and use kink to enhance it.
The classic is “service”. Most people like being pampered in bed or out. So if you offer to play slave for an evening and make it clear you don’t expect too much “hot BDSM action” in return, then you have an “in”.
If you are male, add a chastity device – they make everything kinky – and you’ll get a whole load of teasing and denial as a by-product. If you are female, you could try vibrating jiggle balls to keep you aroused or even give you hands-free orgasms at deliciously inconvenient moments.
After a few sessions, power will begin to corrupt – as it does – and you can suggest additions like discipline and protocol while, perhaps, your partner starts exploring the pleasures of teasing you. Don’t rush things… this is a long game!
Of course, it doesn’t have to be “service”! Your partner may be a natural flirt or a tease and love the idea of having you tied up so they can string out your orgasm. They may have a sadistic streak and it just takes the offer of a whip while you’re chained to float their boat…
Of course whips and chains are not entirely safe, which leads us to Following Through.
You have to follow through all on your own. It’s not enough to get your partner’s agreement to a kinky game, you have to set it up and suggest Doing It. It won’t just happen if you merely drop hints.
The setting up is the most important part. You need to test any toys and equipment to make sure they really work.
You also need to know how to do your kink safely. That means doing proper research – some of the Reddit BDSM forums are good places to start. You need to be able to say, “Hit me here and here… You can have me tied in this position for this long… if I respond this way, something has gone wrong release me right away…”
“Safely” includes, “Without getting caught!” Even if you don’t care, your less enthusiastic partner will, and it can be very practically inconvenient if friends, family or housemates catch you being kinky. So you need to consider privacy – both in terms of people walking in, but also how sound carries – and what you’ll do if you are interrupted. (How quickly can you hide that Darth Vader suit?)
And “safely” also means Safe Word(or equivalent if gagged… but you need to research that yourself). When either of you use the Safe Word, the action stops.
This is necessary because you need a way to stop the action that also leaves you free to plead or beg without bringing things to a halt. This is as much for your partner’s benefit as for yours – they’ll be a lot more relaxed if they know that they are still doing what you want them to do; if they are sure everything is consensual.
Pick a Safe Word or phrase that’s easy to say, but not likely to be said accidentally or as part of the action. For example, don’t use “No!” or “Mercy!”. Do, perhaps, use something like, “Asparagus”. (We use, “Xena!” because I would not normally use my wife’s name during BDSM sessions. However that might not be a good idea for you.)
Some kinky couples like the traffic light system, roughly: RED for “Stop right now, seriously I mean it”; AMBER for “Do something different, this isn’t working for me”; and GREEN for “OMG do it some more go ahead please!” I suspect this might be irritating for a dominant who is just finding their way, and possibly make it difficult for you to stay in the right frame of mind. However, it’s an option that works for some people.
Doing It can then be scarily easy. Everybody knows what they’re supposed to be doing and that it’s OK to do it. Resist the urge to control the action. Let your partner find their own way.
Afterwards, don’t blurt out 360-degree feedback! This was your idea and your partner – at first at least – is doing you a favour. Instead thank them, reassure them, and tell them about at least one thing that blew your mind. Next time, you can suggest things to enhance the experience.
Also, don’t expect your partner to “own” their side of things too fast. After all, you’re asking them to break years of conditioning and “be bad”. Instead, give it time, pay attention, and keep suggesting things you honestly think they will like.
Meanwhile, establish a symbol that stands for your submission; It could be a collar or bracelet, it could be a chastity device, or anything else that comes on and off. That way there’ll be no sense of the kink bleeding over into everyday life, and neither of you has to ask directly. It’s easier to say, “Shall I put on my collar tonight?” than “Would you like to dominate me tonight?”
Then, when the moment comes when they ask to dominate you – “Would you like to wear your collar tonight?” – go with it and give them what they want. Once they’re confident asking, they’ll ask all the more and it’ll stop being just your kink and you can explore domination and submission together.
And none of that would have happened if you hadn’t just asked…
– Giles English
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About the writer: Giles English has written two Femdom self-help guides but these days focuses on weaving sizzling Femdom erotica with an awful lot of male chastity. Drop by his blog to read more about Femdom and Female Led Relationships.