A Quick Guide to eXXXtreme Dirty Talk, by Cameryn Moore
Name-calling, slut-shaming, and other hard-core conversations
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But names will never hurt me
That little rhyme has been thoroughly debunked, by the way; psychologists agree that verbal abuse can cause serious harm to the psyche. But what if you like it? What if name-calling is one of the things that get you or your partner hard and/or wet? Go for it, but be careful.
I want to start with a disclaimer: I don’t understand name-calling and humiliation play very well, but it definitely was a useful addition to my dirty-talk toolbox. In paid phone sex, I have ended up cussing people out a LOT to get them off. When you want to humiliate someone—more importantly, if they want you to—name-calling can be extremely effective.
Calling someone greedy, for example, and making them beg desperately for getting fucked, this is a classic domination combo. The same derogatory names that really hurt on the playground—“fattie”, “sissy”, “faggot”, racial slurs—can be put to good use in humiliation scenes. Even calling a person’s junk something that normally squicks them out—“cunt” instead of “pussy”—can flip your partner into a different and sizzling-hot headspace.
Or they could slap you and stomp out of your life crying, if you just dropped it on them like a total asshole, so don’t do that. In non-paid dirty-talk situations, I consider name-calling or hurtful topics roughly equivalent to rough sex or BDSM; that is, I would only use them with prior discussion and consent, and have a safe word in place, so that the target(s) of these words can stop that particular play at any point, or if the person using those words overloads.
Let’s look a little more closely at some options here:
Slut/tramp/whore: These words are often used to sexually shame women out in the real world. In fantasyland, you can use them very effectively as part of a humiliation scene, or you can put a positive spin on them, as praiseworthy characteristics. It’s all in the delivery.
Messy/sloppy: Here the implication is that you can’t control your desires and how your body responds to them. These words lead nicely to things like “clean off my fingers” or “if you get any come on my boots, I will make you lick it up.” Can be used for shaming as well.
Cunt/bitch: These vicious names go a long way toward enhancing a scene. If you are doing a ravishment or rape fantasy, one of these words hissed into the ear can really nail it home.
Slurs: handle with care. I have done phone sex scenes with everything from “cocksucker” to the n-word; that is, the caller wanted me to call them those things. The callers get off, so clearly it is a thing.
Anything describing your body or parts of your body in a negative way: again, primarily used for humiliation play, or other scenes with a strongly unbalanced power dynamic.
IN ALL CASES, the person on the receiving end of these names should be the one who initiates their use. You should never call someone names for erotic purposes unless they asked you to, and you fucking STOP when they use the safe word to stop or slow the scene
Finally, I feel like this should be obvious, but maybe not: even consensually, don’t shout any of these at your partner if you are living in a thin-willed apartment building and/or you have roomies who aren’t aware of your sexual proclivities. As with some kinds of physical BDSM, extreme dirty talk can wind up sounding like an abusive relationship. Use your inside voice, or keep it to text.
For sure, eXXXtreme dirty talk is like playing with fire, but some people like that.
– Cameryn Moore
About the writer: Cameryn Moore is an award-winning playwright/performer, sex activist and educator, sidewalk pornographer, and a long-time phone sex operator. Her work in theatre, literature, and activism/advocacy is both a challenge and invitation to adventurous audiences everywhere.
Cameryn Moore is the writer and performer of four solo shows: Phone Whore, slut (r)evolution, for | play, and The Pretty One (and other things that need to be said). To date, she has toured these shows to nearly 50 cities around the world. She is the creator and host of Smut Slam, a storytelling open mic, and Smut Slam Cabaret, both featuring real-life, first-person sex stories.
When not performing, Cameryn sets up her world-famous traveling Smut Stand, providing bespoke typewritten erotica on the spot to happy drunks and discerning passersby. She currently winters in Montreal, which is exactly as stupid as it sounds.