Enjoy a better sex life
One of the reasons why there are so many articles about sex and how to do it right is that we’re deathly afraid of doing it wrong, of looking like we don’t know what we’re doing.
This is almost understandable when we are interacting with someone new, but I’ve noticed it even when the discussion is about long-term partners, too. However long we’ve been with someone, however much we trust someone, we are afraid of making a mistake, of looking like a fool.
And I’m here to tell you: fear of being foolish is the death of fun in a relationship. If you can’t just go for it, in sex or in anything, then your sex life is on the fast track to a funeral, and the part of you that wants to play—everyone has this part—that is dead, too. Rather than, or in addition to, more structured sexual experimentation—a la “7 Sex Positions Every Woman Must Try”—I encourage you to try bringing plain ol’ nonsexual play back into your life. I firmly believe that 90 percent of really good sex happens in your head, which means your brain and imagination need to stay exercised!
Basic improv games or techniques are a great start. You can play most of them anywhere, because they aren’t particularly obvious to passersby. This helps keep the focus on the game, not the “getting there”. In the workshop I teach, Intimacy Improv, the games that I facilitate don’t usually involve sex at all; they’re just ways to get people acting and speaking without over-thinking.
Here are a few ideas to start you off:
GUESS WHAT? I used to have a habit of prefacing good news with this question. One of my lovers started taking advantage of an actually pointless question to launch a barrage of utterly ridiculous guesses. “An asteroid is hitting the earth tomorrow!” “You’re making cookies.” “You’ve sprouted extra toes.” Nowadays if I use that question with him, he knows it’s an invitation to play the “guess what?” game, and he uses it on me too, sometimes. (See also “Good news!” or “you’ll never believe what just happened…”)
DRESS-UP BOX. I don’t mean lingerie or that polyester “sexy cop” outfit. Those are pre-packaged options with a limited number of outcomes, which, go on, do up that interrogation scene. But try filling up a box with some tatty scarves and silly hats and a vest and maybe a muumuu and see what comes out of that. Take turns putting on different items and showing your partner. The audience’s task is to compliment the outfit in some way, and then continue the conversation about how it looks, or what it makes you think of, or what you could do now.
THREE-WORD STORY. This is a written game, where each partner takes turns putting down three words of a story. The learning here is to take whatever options your partner comes up with and just go with it. You may find yourself wanting to control the narrative, but with only three words at a time, you won’t really have the opportunity.
ADJECTIVE. Pick up any item and take turns coming up with words that you associate with it. Hand it back and forth and try to get a rhythm going. The first person to hesitate overlong (you can set your own time limit, say, three seconds) or to repeat a word loses. Put in some “penalties” or “rewards,” sexy or no.
I’m sure you know other games, too, things played on road trips when you were a kid, or making up back stories for passersby when you’re people-watching. Bring them all out; spend some time rummaging through your virtual game box. What you find in there is fun on its own, and the more you play, the more easily you can access that play in sex and dirty talk, too.
– Cameryn Moore
About the writer: Cameryn Moore is an award-winning playwright/performer, sex activist and educator, sidewalk pornographer, and a long-time phone sex operator. Her work in theatre, literature, and activism/advocacy is both a challenge and invitation to adventurous audiences everywhere. She is the writer and performer of four solo shows: Phone Whore, slut (r)evolution, for | play, and The Pretty One (and other things that need to be said). To date, she has toured these shows to nearly 50 cities around the world.
She is the creator and host of Smut Slam, a storytelling open mic, and Smut Slam Cabaret, both featuring real-life, first-person sex stories. When not performing, Cameryn sets up her world-famous traveling Smut Stand, providing bespoke typewritten erotica on the spot to happy drunks and discerning passersby. She currently winters in Montreal, which is exactly as stupid as it sounds.