How To Review A Fetish Club
By Zak Jane Keir
How to review a fetish club: Having spent about 20 years of my life reviewing fetish and swingers’ clubs, I feel entitled to call myself an expert on the subject. It’s one of those jobs that may not have made me wealthy but has provided me with any amount of fun and good times (including the most magnificent blag of my entire career – a trip to Hedo II which made a change from the usual wet Wednesdays in Leeds or Dagenham).
Even on less good nights, it’s made me feel happier than I would if I’d just wandered into the place of my own volition – like a Xylok, I need to have a purpose and there have been times when, temporarily uncommissioned, I have imagined writing a review as a way of not feeling like Missy No Mates in unfamiliar territory.
I’ve also seen, over the years, other people do a less good job of fetish club reviews, so here are a few Top Tips if you fancy having a go yourself.
1) Know where you’re going, and time your arrival properly. Too early and you might have to stand around in bad weather, which can put a damper on your party mood; too late and you might miss out on something interesting.
My most recent outing to a fetish club was the LFW Boat Party, jointly hosted by the Firm and Subversion, which was excellent fun but nearly the basis of a rather different post, as I got confused between which of two piers the boat was departing from, and ended up hurtling along the jetty yelling WAIT FOR ME. Luckily I looked sufficiently kinky for them to decide I was a desirable fellow passenger and managed to make it on board…
2) Be upfront and honest from the start. ‘Undercover’ reporting of fetish events is utterly wanky. You are not wossname at Watergate revealing scandalous truths. Most people know, these days, that some people are into BDSM. It’s not news, it’s entertainment.
The Firm’s Boat parties have been running for 20 years, and they’ve always attracted a delicious mixture of people; co-hosting with Subversion for this particular trip brought along some new faces and a slightly more youthful vibe, which was fun.
3) Assess your night objectively. Every seasoned clubber knows that you can have a great night in a crap fetish club – there’s only five people there but you cop off with one of them and have the session of your life – or a miserable night in a wonderful club, if you row with your date or lose your housekeys or fall down the stairs. Look at what other people are doing and how they are enjoying themselves.
I was just a touch disappointed that someone I had something interesting in mind for wasn’t actually present, but it was impossible to stay grumpy for long in the middle of a horde of happy people having a fabulous time. There’s always been something special about sailing up and down the Thames, eyeing all the London landmarks while dressed in your pervy best with the sound of whip on flesh echoing all around you.
4) Don’t be a snarky mundane dickhead about other people’s physical appearance. Does this really still need saying? One of the great joys of the fetish scene is that people don’t have to be thin, young and fashionably dressed to be perceived as sexy and desirable.
The array of outfits on the Boat was particularly good: Firm members have always been among the most imaginative when it comes to dressing for pleasure, and with the addition of Subversion regulars, many of whom who favour spectacular latex couture, there were some stunning costumes on show.
5) Mind your manners. Whether you are a journo, newbie journo or newbie to the fetish scene, remember that people having a lot of flesh on display or doing interesting, naughty sexy things with chosen playmates at a fetish club is not an indication that they are up for fun with anybody. Don’t grab, grope, slobber or try to join in any kind of scene without an invitation. However, that doesn’t mean fun is off limits altogether when doing a write-up: the old tabloid stirrer’s line used to be that the hack would ‘make his/her excuses and leave’. My line, almost my byline, tended to be that, needing no excuses, I stayed and got stuck in…
– Zak Jane Keir
All photographs in this article have been used with full knowledge and consent of the photographer and owner, Bobette from crossingtherubicon.co.uk. Thank you! The Boat Party forms part of the London Fetish Weekend.
About the writer: Zak Jane Keir describes herself as a maker of stuff, writer of rude words, drinker of much cider, feminist, deviant, atheist, book junkie and morris dancer.
Please click to read Zak’s blog, follow Zak on Twitter and buy her erotic books on Amazon. You can also find out more about Zak in her Erotic Author Spotlight feature here at Cara Sutra.