Guest Feature by Cameryn Moore
When they find out I’m a phone sex operator, a lot of people tell me they struggle with dirty talk: “I never know what to say.” Here’s the thing: dirty conversations are a lot like regular conversations, in that if you don’t know what to say, ask a question. You can get lots of useful information about your partner and what they want, if you ask questions in the right way.
This is especially important if what you’re doing involves something new, a new piece of equipment or a new role play. Because you can’t be sure of how your sex is working, and how to fine-tune it, until you’re in the middle of it, when you really don’t want to have to disrupt the flow and ask for clarification. “So, is that prostate stimulator working the way that the lady in the shop said it would?” No. Not sexy.
We phone sex operators have to be discovering stuff about our clients on the fly, all the time. How do I do it without interrupting the scene every 10 seconds? Well, honestly, I keep good records, and my dispatcher gives me decent information before the calls. But sometimes regulars want something different, or I get new customers. So I have to start at the beginning and ask the right questions, ones that:
- gather new information;
- clarify the effect of any activity that has or is currently happening;
- suggest preferences; and/or
- establish dominance (if that’s what they’re looking for)
Gathering information. I’m not talking about your standard private eye/moll-in-trouble scene, or a good cop/bad cop threesome, where grilling someone is part of the action. You will often need to get details, and you can get them without being intrusive. “What are you looking at, when I walk into the room?” I can make this question sound sexy as hell, but really, I’m just trying to find out whether my client is a tit man, an ass man, a leg man, or what. If you’re in a phone sex encounter and you haven’t specified what you’re wearing, this could also be a moment for the person to mention a piece of attire that they’d like you to be wearing.
Clarifying effect. “Do you like it when I do that?” Whatever “it” is, this is both a useful and sexy-sounding question. (Compare this to “you like it when I do that, don’t you?” where you already know or can tell that your partner does like it, you just want them to say it. See setting dominance, below.) Yes/no questions may be easier for your partner to focus on in the middle of the frenzy, but of course you can also ask open-ended questions like “how does that feel?”
Establishing preferences. As an example, the question of whether or not my pussy is shaved occasionally comes up with my phone-sex clients, and they approach it in one of two ways, depending on how they’d like my answer to be. “Is your pussy shaved?” almost certainly expresses an oblique hope that my pussy is shaved. Contrast that with “your pussy isn’t shaved, is it?”; the asker clearly doesn’t want the pussy to be shaved. If you want to get your preferences across in a more subtle way during sexy play, this is one way to do it.
Setting dominance. This type of sexy questioning includes most of the rhetorical questions (see “you like it when I do that, don’t you?” above). Any information gained is useful, but mostly rhetorical questions are about setting the tone of the scene by the tone of the question. If you really want to crack down, insist on an answer, or ask them to answer the question in full.
The point is, dirty talk—if no one is paying you for it—shouldn’t be about generating entire experiences and monologues by yourself. It’s about creating that sexy dialogue—all the questions and answers—together.
– Cameryn Moore
About the writer: Cameryn Moore is an award-winning playwright/performer, sex activist and educator, sidewalk pornographer, and a long-time phone sex operator. Her work in theatre, literature, and activism/advocacy is both a challenge and invitation to adventurous audiences everywhere. She is the writer and performer of four solo shows: Phone Whore, slut (r)evolution, for | play, and The Pretty One (and other things that need to be said). To date, she has toured these shows to nearly 50 cities around the world. She is the creator and host of Smut Slam, a storytelling open mic, and Smut Slam Cabaret, both featuring real-life, first-person sex stories. When not performing, Cameryn sets up her world-famous traveling Smut Stand, providing bespoke typewritten erotica on the spot to happy drunks and discerning passersby. She currently winters in Montreal, which is exactly as stupid as it sounds.