How Do I Fit BDSM Into Our Relationship When I’m Busy With Work And Kids?

How Do I Fit BDSM Into Our Relationship When I’m Busy With Work And Kids?

Sarah Berry, relationship therapist, answers a reader’s question about fitting BDSM into a relationship when life can get so busy.

Dear Sarah,

How do I fit BDSM into our relationship when I’m busy with work and kids?

I’m happily married to a beautiful woman and, during our relationship, we have started to explore kink. We’ve discussed chastity and having a Female Led Relationship (FLR) but we have some problems.

I work night shifts 6 days a week and we also have a young child to care for. Private time is limited. Do other people have similar problems?

How can we move forwards with exploring a kinky relationship and incorporating BDSM into our adult life together?

– Anon

How Do I Fit BDSM Into Our Relationship When I’m Busy With Work And Kids

Dear Anon,

How Do I Fit BDSM Into Our Relationship When I’m Busy With Work And KidsI hope you feel reassured to hear that many other people certainly do have problems maintaining any sort of intimacy when they start a family or have differing routines. And by intimacy I mean kink, “vanilla” sex, quickies, play – anything sexual. It all gets affected when people experience life changes, stress and time pressures.

You say that you’ve just started exploring kink. Sometimes when people are excited by something new, or are doing less of something that they feel defines them, this can lead to panic. Remember, there isn’t a magic number regarding the amount of kink sessions you need to be kinky. Just work out what feels doable for the two of you.

Being open about what you need and listening to your partner’s needs is key. Work on scheduling sessions in order to maximise the times that you are together. Don’t forget to factor in any pre prep time, as well as after care, cuddling, space or rest time you might need afterwards. And do allow for life getting in the way. If you need cancel a session, you can reschedule for another time.

I wonder, do you have non-kinky sex and intimacy too? If you aren’t, perhaps there’s a connection or communication issue as well? For example, there can be a tendency for one partner to withhold affection/fun exchanges because they feel guilty for not being up for it while the other may fear rejection if they try to initiate. If this is the case, then maybe during unscheduled time you can indulge in lighter exchanges that, you both agree, don’t need to lead anywhere. This can help improve the connection between the two of you.

You haven’t said much about what is it you’re doing during your sessions. Is it a scene that takes an hour or more and needs preparation? If this is the case, you could try working out ways that you can indulge in BDSM way that are less intense and time consuming.

How Do I Fit BDSM Into Our Relationship When I’m Busy With Work And KidsIf you do find time for “vanilla” sex, maybe you could sometimes adapt this to have a BDSM dynamic? You say you’re into FLR and chastity, so maybe your partner could tell you when you’re allowed to come?

You don’t even need to be in the same room to feel controlled and/or connected! Maybe you could wear a chastity belt and/or be asked for updates from your partner regarding on any sexy thoughts, masturbation and so forth. You can work out if this will alter whatever happens in the next session.

For some, incorporating BDSM into their daily routine can feel like too much of a headfuck. For example, tuning into their submissive side whilst trying to be a ball breaker at work can be difficult. Others find this exciting. Again, with your partner work out a timetable outlining times when this would be ok for both of you.

Good luck!
Sarah

 

About the author: Sarah Berry is a qualified and experienced psychosexual and relationship therapist. She sees individuals, couples and poly groups at her office in London, Islington and also on Skype. For more info go to www.SarahBerryTherapy.co.uk

 

How Do I Fit BDSM Into Our Relationship When I’m Busy With Work And Kids

3 COMMENTS

  1. Really liked the advice. It’s true that finding the time to be kinky can be very difficult when you and your partner lead busy lives. But it’s definitely important to devote time for it if it’s important to you both! Wish you all luck if you’re having this problem.

  2. A great answer to a hard question. It is certainly true that when you are getting started it is so shiny and new. You want to see it all now. But yes you do have to fit it in around your real life. I think what Cara said at the end about finding ways to fold it into your every day can be very rewarding and making sure you have time for the two of you, even if that means getting a baby sitter and going to a hotel.

    Good luck, I hope you have a lot of fun.

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