Communication is key to any good relationship, so why do some people find it so difficult to talk about sex? The internet is littered with questions from curious and sometimes desperate people seeking counsel on how they can talk to their partner about their sexuality. What their likes and dislikes are, how to broach their fantasies or kinks, and how to encourage their lover to desire sex more.
In a day and age where many of us are so open-minded about trying new things, why is it that so many of us can’t bring ourselves to air our desires with someone else?
Sex can be a tricky subject because it is interwoven into the core of our very being. Our individual experiences and understanding of sex and sexuality shape the nature of our carnal interactions. Our ego is intrinsically bound to our sexual performance, and a fear of abandonment, potential rejection as a mate, personal sense of worth and lesser sense of personal ability can all be triggered by a discussion handled in the wrong way.
There’s added sociological pressure, with the media bombarding us with stories on ‘how to have the best sex ever’ (hell knows I’ve penned a few in my time) and imagery showcasing the most perfect men and women who are undoubtedly athletes AND sex deities in the bedroom. Whether we like it or not, it sets a benchmark for how things ‘are supposed’ to be, and the added message that good couples have sex often can put added pressure on someone with a lower libido.
Is it any wonder so many people are afraid to talk?
If you’re one of those people who wishes their partner wanted sex more, or you secretly want to try something new with your lover… you can talk about it and you definitely should. How you talk about it is actually more important than what you say.
If you and your partner aren’t regularly affectionate with one another, then it’s really not a good time to start talking about sex. Within a relationship, intimacy is a trigger for sexual desire (touching produces oxytocin, a bonding hormone that is also released during orgasm) and if you and your partner aren’t experiencing that closeness day-to-day then you’re kind of starting from scratch. You need to woo your partner, just like you did when you first became something. Build things up romantically and get that affection back. Flirt, show your sexual attraction without trying to get them in the sack and build that attraction you have for one another back up.
For many people, thinking more pragmatically about your relationship can help bring the passion back. It’s much easier to talk about sex if you and your partner have a sex life together.
If you and your partner are getting it on but you still need to talk, then do your research! Google your specific problem and see what others have said, or reach out to someone like me who answers questions on sex and relationships daily. Getting another opinion can help you to better understand the issue from all sides and will help you approach the subject with an empathetic mindset.
When you’re ready to talk, be compassionate and mindful of how you word your thoughts. Ensure you don’t make yourself out to be unsatisfied or place fault on your lover, that’s not going to help things at all. Sex is best discussed lovingly, playfully and flirtatiously and just like with any seduction, you don’t go in all-guns blazing.
Make talking about sex a part of your relationship. The more you do it, the more natural it becomes. Try reminding your lover about sex you’ve had that was particularly fantastic. “Remember that time in London? You were wearing those black lace panties and I slipped my hand up your thigh during dinner?”. Little memories with a strong erotic attachment for both are a great way to open up dialogue. Where it takes you is down to you, your lover and your shared desire for better sex.
– Hella Rude
About the author: Hella Rude works as a freelance writer, model, adult e-commerce consultant and occasional TV presenter and actress. You can find her sassy, sensational and downright sexy writings at her author page here at Cara Sutra.