A Man Only Cheats Due To Lack Of Sex | Sex Tips & Advice

A Man Only Cheats Due To Lack Of Sex | Sex Tips & Advice

By Cara Sutra

“A man only cheats due to lack of sex.” This is a particularly insulting yet persistent myth relating to sex and relationships. Strangely, it specifically identifies men, as if men a) are the only ones unfaithful in relationships and b) are always entirely blameless for said infidelity, as if it is part of their nature to fuck at will and without care for the consequences.

A Man Only Cheats Due To Lack Of Sex Tips and Advice

“If he’s not getting it at home, you can’t blame a man for going elsewhere”

Does a man really only cheat due to lack of sex from his partner?

Do people really believe this?

I’m not sure how this myth started, but it certainly helps absolve men from any blame for affairs. A man cheats because his partner’s not making him happy. When the sex isn’t good enough. Because he’s bored. Because he deserves better. Oh, and because he just can’t help it – it’s part of his nature.

No.

Hands up all cheaters

For a start, it’s not only men that cheat.  I don’t believe men are more likely to cheat either – any one person is just as likely to cheat as anyone else. Men cheat on women, sure, but women cheat on men. Women cheat on women for that matter, and men cheat on men. And those are just the binary options.

Most everyone has the opportunity to cheat at some point in their day-to-day life, and many people could even come up with a reasonable-sounding motive. Whether you choose to be loyal to your partner when those opportunities arise is a decision that is squarely on the shoulders of each person, in each situation.

Is cheating really always wrong?

I don’t believe it’s ever ‘right’ to be dishonest to your partner in this way, engaging in intimacy and sex with another person without their permission and with the knowledge that it would be viewed as disloyal, a betrayal. That’s not the same as saying that it’s never understandable. There are circumstances in which cheating and infidelity are very understandable and which would even be condoned by many.

Children often complicate matters in a relationship which finds itself in difficulties, leaving loyalties torn between an adult relationship and a parent’s love for their children. Other relationship problems which could affect openness are domestic violence and abuse, which can render a partner mute about any problems or communicating that they want to leave. Such abuse is often accompanied by threats should the abused partner state they want to or actively try to leave. In such situations it’s easy to see why a person could keep intimacy with another person secret from their existing partner.

Reasons for cheating

When it comes to cheats and a person cheating just because they think they can get away with it, because the sex was ‘on a plate’ or because of a lack of respect for their partner then yes – I do believe it’s wrong. It’s cowardly to have sex and/or a relationship behind a partner’s back just because you don’t feel they deserve honesty and loyalty, or because you feel you’re on to a good thing in your home situation with them and don’t want any associated benefits to end.

Why people cheat
  • Flirtations getting out of hand
  • Feeling flattered by sexual attention
  • Unhappy in a relationship without the courage to end it
  • Moments of weakness
  • Intoxication
  • Thinking the partner will never find out
  • Revenge infidelity

In the end there’s one simple answer to the question “Why do people cheat?” – because they can.

When you suspect cheating

A Man Only Cheats Due To Lack Of Sex Tips and AdviceIf you’re worried about your partner cheating, the best thing you can do is examine your relationship with them, and talk to them openly about your worries. In a healthy relationship, communication should be free flowing and honest. Before throwing out accusations, ask them calmly if they’ve ever been tempted to stray, or if they’re unhappy in the relationship in any way. Perhaps arrange some time alone together, just the two of you, so that you can enjoy reconnecting and those valuable moments of intimacy untouched by the stresses of everyday life.

You may think you see signs that your partner is hiding something from you, but they are never 100% reliable (unless you catch them in the act, of course). You don’t want to end up pushing away your loyal lover because suspicions about them cheating grow into an irrational fear, leading to you becoming a possessive, controlling partner.

If they start getting cagey about their text messages or phone calls, disappearing without reasonable explanation, getting home later than usual or have inexplicable marks on their body, try to give them the chance to explain before you jump to the wrong conclusion -and harm your relationship all by yourself. Is it really another lover texting them or are they arranging your birthday present? Did they meet up with someone after work or have they been putting in overtime for extra cash to splash on you? Is that a love bite or an innocent bruise?

If you feel tempted to cheat

Most of us have the opportunity to cheat on our partners at some point in our lives, whether in the workplace, on a boozy night out, after those quick-to-become-intimate chats over the internet. You never have to cheat. You might want to cheat. It’s important to recognise the difference.

Consider your reasons behind wanting to explore intimacy and/or sex with another person. Is your current relationship really over, or are there problems you just don’t know how to approach and resolve? Are you angry with your partner about something they’ve done either recently or in the past? Perhaps you really are unsatisfied with your sex life with your partner and want something different, new and spicy?

Communication

These are all issues which can be broached with your partner and talked through – or you could make the decision to end your relationship because you’re just that unhappy. Why stay in a relationship with someone if there’s really so little going for it? I believe that time is too short to live in an unhappy relationship for years when one or both partners would rather be elsewhere, with or without other people. Yes, often there are complications as mentioned, such as any children between the relationship, a joint mortgage or the fact that you work together every day. It can be easier just to sweep problems under the rug and carry on, one or both partners becoming more and more miserable. You’re wasting time; wasting your life.

Staying together for the kids‘ is well documented as a bad reason to stay in a bad relationship, and can adversely affect children rather than give them the stability you desire for them. Much better is a role model who respects themselves enough to know that they deserve happiness in life – and that happiness doesn’t necessarily come from being in a relationship, either. Being a parent and being a partner are two totally different roles.

When you can’t leave

A Man Only Cheats Due To Lack Of Sex Tips and AdviceMy sympathies are genuinely with people who are in abusive (mentally, emotionally and/or physically) relationships, who are struggling to see a way out. Having been there myself (and bearing the mental and physical scars) I know how frustrating it can be to hear well-meaning sentiments such as “you deserve better”, “you need to just leave them” or “report them and let the police sort it out”.

From within an abusive relationship the situation looks very different; you got with that person because of attractive characteristics that you believe are still there somewhere, or you’re conditioned to blame yourself for their actions. If you need to let your feelings out confidentially then please email me or talk to professionals such as:

Women’s Aid

Refuge / Refuge Men’s Helpline

Men’s Advice Line

Mankind

National Domestic Violence Helpline

The Samaritans

Your Thoughts

What do you think about cheating? Is it ever understandable or maybe even excusable? Perhaps you’ve been cheated on, or you have cheated on a partner. Could it have been avoided? Do you have regrets or would you do the same again? I’d be interested in hearing your thoughts in the comments below.

 

A Man Only Cheats Due To Lack Of Sex Tips and Advice

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8 COMMENTS

  1. Very thought provoking. I have been both the cheater and the cheatee and I can say with confidence that the only way my marriage survived these indiscretions was through thorough communication. I am proud to say that because of our constant talking and working things through together, hubby and I have just celebrated our lace wedding anniversary.

  2. Great post! I shuddered at revenge infidelity. Infidelity is bad enough, but to use sex, to hurt someone else, even more intentionally? I am currently trying to write my thesis about infidelity. Specifically the emotion of guilt in women who cheat, and what that emotion of guilt means. I don’t believe in justifying infidelity. I do believe in digging into why it happens so we can learn to better prevent it.

  3. Very well written and thought provoking article. I can understand as having been both the “cheating wife” and “the mistress” at different times in my adult life. Despite all of the outer layers, at its very core infidelity occurs when there is lack of open communication and any party could be “at fault” and is “at fault” because of the break down of such communication. Each party’s motivation to look outside of the relationship stems from that seated core, I believe and found in my personal experience.

    • Thanks for your comment. I agree, especially with it being down to lack of the honest communication.
      Thanks again- glad you liked the article.

      • I drove truck long haul being home every other weekend.take home pay was just over $1000 /week .after almost three years having no mortgage and little for bills it came to my realization that no money had been saved.and no reason for spending it.i was wasting my life and missing my kids for nothing.i felt disrespected and when the opportunity to cheat arose I took it.
        I never thought I would be a cheater but here I was, enjoying another woman’s body and energy.
        I thought a lot about it ( while driving 11 hrs a day) and came to realize,at least for me,that the questions “do I cheat?” “is the excitement of strange pussy worth breaking her heart over?”came down to a matter of respect.
        Do I respect her?
        Do I feel respected by her?
        Do I have any self respect?
        If you answered no to all three then by all means follow your urges

  4. During my first marriage I was highly promiscuous. Mostly it wasn’t cheating since we’d agreed before we were married that we could, it started when my (then) girl friend wanted to have sex with a mutual friend. I’d always known she fancied him. Later on I had the chance to play away. There were rules, girl friends were OK, A Girl Friend wasn’t, well that rule went out the window, so I cheated in stepping outside the agreed rules, but for the most part we were honest with each other. I only didn’t tell the truth occasionally when I knew the other women involved really didn’t want my wife to know, but I usually tried to avoid that situation.
    One occasion when I really did cheat was with a friends wife, I cheated since I never told my wife, I cheated since I know full well that the woman’s husband would never have agreed, my wife and I had been naked and messed around a bit with him and previous girl friends and he’d made it clear he didn’t want things to go any further. In the end it happened because flirting got out of hand. I tried to avoid it going too far, but ultimately you really can not tell a woman “I’m not going to have sex with you because you’re married to my mate” that would imply that you thought your feeling for your friend were stronger than her feelings for her husband.

  5. As unhappy / unsettled as one may be in a relationship, I feel that to cheat on ones partner, rather than leave, you cannot have unconditional respect that partner. Surely it is far kinder to leave someone than to subject him / her to feeling total betrayal. I know that I would be destroyed if I discovered my husband, the one person I trust and love with every part of me, did this to me. I don’t dwell on this as I have absolute trust in ‘us’ and we talk openly lots, giving plenty of opportunity to disclose.
    This article considers various angles to the subject. Surprisingly, this is one of the most truthful pieces of writing I have read for some time.

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