List of Shame: The 10 sex toys which need forcing into retirement

FAIL

There are spectacularly orgasmic sex toys, then we have this list of monsters. I am proud to bring you my personal top ten sex toy FAILS, as experienced by very own fair vagina. Shut up.

I know you all wonder about the dark side of my sex toy collection and for once I don’t mean bondage restraints. The ones that sadly, didn’t get (chucked) away. The toys which have brought me to tears of frustration. The toys which have made me grip the sheets harder as I bite back the venom which threatens to tumble forth as I search for the right button. The toys which have made me scream – in agony.

First up, there’s whole categories of sex toys which are marked ‘AVOID’. They are simply too wide a selection to make it to the top ten, although many of these FAILGASMS will have made it into features of the final list.

  • chalky edible chocolate willies and boobies,
  • disposable cock rings which aren’t even good for a 5 minute buzz,
  • any butt plug which has a too tiny or too flexible flared base,
  • bullet vibrators which require watch batteries,
  • split ear clit stims on traditional rabbit vibrators which make me risk that slicing feeling of paper cuts to the clit in between bouts of cautious pleasure,
  • any sex toy which requires you to take an exam about the instruction manual before you dare use it in any passionate situation
  • sex toys which are ‘splashproof’ (seriously, what does that even mean? Can I wash it or not?)

So here we are, my

Top 10 Sex Toys Which Need Retiring. Now.

Final destination? Filed under B.

Pursue pleasure with these sex toys at your peril!

Shiri Zinn cupcake vibrator

Shiri Zinn Cupcake Vibrator Review

This infamous cake shaped vibe promised so much creamy fun and delicious pleasure and delivered not even the burnt toast of orgasms. with weak vibrations focussed in the flat base, suspect material, attention given to design not purpose and made by a company with possibly the worst customer service skills in the industry, this cake definitely didn’t make me rise to the occasion.

LELO Ora

LELO_Ora-7

Another flat bottomed sex toy (it would appear that flat bottomed sex toys do NOT make the my rocking world go round) which had a big splash attached marketing-wise but didn’t deliver when it came down to it. Similar to the Je Joue Sasi, a small bead moves around under a pad of silicone skin of a circular sex toy. It promised to deliver clitoral stimulation like never before. My clit is still waiting to make any kind of pleasurable connection.

Diogol Eggxiting egg & Kaal bullet vibrator

diogol

I’ll admit I’ve cheated here, but I couldn’t decide these two Diogol products as to which one was worse. High prices, low vibration power. Battery powered, yet expensive. When all was said and done, I was left with two shiny paperweights and not very many orgasms. While I do like a nice paperweight, I like orgasms even more. Sad face.

Doc Johnson Reflections glass bullet vibrator

Doc Johnson Reflections Lil Pleasures Glass Bullet

This bullet vibrator had so much potential, it gave me a sad when it turned out to be a fail. I had to get the first one I got replaced, as it wouldn’t work at all. The second one worked, but didn’t work for me, if you see what I mean. It’s such as shame as I love bullet vibrators and I love glass toys. What could possibly go wrong? Everything, apparently.

Also: watch batteries. -growls-

Ammovibes Mika

Ammovibes Mika Vibrator review

I remain confused about this sex toy to this day. Look at it.

Not only is the shape bewildering, but the charging lead plug exploded in my partner’s hand when he was unplugging it. Really not what I would call the mark of a sex toy you can rely on. An explosive experience, for all the wrong reasons.

Evolved Bendable Rose Vibrator

Evolved Bendable Silicone Rose Vibrator

This sex toy is stupidly romantic for a vibrator which is so rubbish. Or alternately, it’s stupidly rubbish for a sex toy which is so romantic. Either way, it just didn’t appeal to my personal garden.

Jopen Key Charms Bullet Vibrator

jopen_key2-3

Ok so a lot of people in the sex toy tester scene have been making a big deal about Jopen sex toys. Admittedly, this Jopen Key Charms bullet vibe is my only Jopen product so far. It really left me less than impressed. I love bullet vibrators and even tried this without the vibration deadening silicone sleeve. Nothing doing. Relegated to my ‘never use’ box, sadly.

Jessica Rabbit vibrator

Loving Joy Jessica Rabbit Original Vibrator Review

A dodgy smelling, smiley faced, jelly material, pearly ball filled rabbit vibrator spectacle of many a toy tester’s nightmares. Heavy, noisy, grindy, crunchy, cheaply made joyless soulless device which left me unfulfilled and a little bit slimy.

At this point I will mention that I dislike all jelly rabbit vibrators, especially those which weigh a ton, have plastic beads inside and stink to high heaven like a toxic chemicals lab. Please, PLEASE just stop making all jelly sex toys, it’s a nasty material.

Vibe Therapy Chrysalis Pantie Vibrator

Vibe Therapy Chrysalis Pantie Vibrator Review

Feels like having a dying alligator in your pants (who keeps falling out).

PS. Watch batteries. -growls louder-

Eve Responsive Vibrating Cock Ring

Eve Ring

This cock ring buzzes when you make contact with it. Great!

Wait a minute, who has sex where their bodies are in contact with each other there 100% of the time in sex? Hello, any back and forth happening? Are we going for some kind of tantric record here? Maybe a spot of tease and denial? Either way, not what we were into – plus it takes those damn watch batteries. Ugh.

Official Stampy Pants Rant

Have you had similar experiences with any of your sex toys? Which ones are on your fail list?

Do you dare to share?

– Cara Sutra

11 COMMENTS

  1. I would have to add the hilarious looking Ultimate G from Ann Summers…. The only thing this sex toy is any good is taking hilarious photographs with it. It will absolutely make you chuckle but it didn’t even get close to making me orgasm

    Mollyxxx

    • I’ll have to take a look at that! Thanks for your comment 🙂

      I remember DomSigns ‘reviewing’ a male masturbator… I remember it as he used a charming phrase, something along the lines of a ‘woodchipper’?! lol

      • I did a video review of this particular insane toy which you can find on my site…hopefully it will make you chuckle… and he did write about one once, although he calls is a non review

  2. […] List of Shame: The 10 sex toys which need forcing into retirement from Cara Sutra – Yes, these toys really exist…and are still sold. I’ve tried some on the list and concur with Cara! […]

  3. The REV 1000 for men. I know it’s very popular (and very expensive) but when I reviewed it all I experienced was something that looks like you’re meant to murder someone with it, and makes as much noise as a bunch of cicadas at a rave, to boot.

  4. The weirdest thing is that my review of the Pipedream version of the vibrating panty you have on the list (which looks identical) has had almost 4000 views since it’s been up and is my number one viewed review (written not video which is around 20,000) almost entirely reached by search engine. Are people really that enamoured by vibrating panties? Hell get a we-vibe 4 -it’s basically the only toy that achieves the same desired affect (men seem to have a common fantasy seen in several movies and on tv) of him holding a remote somewhere public while she has a vibrator hidden in her underwear.

  5. […] also nominating Cara Sutra’s List of Shame: The 10 Sex Toys that need Forcing Into Retirement because it’s both informative and spit-out-your-coffee […]

  6. My biggest sex toy fail is the Fun Factory Stronic Drei.
    There was such hype about Fun Factory toys and the stronic range in particular. When there was a chance to get this at a reduced price I jumped on it…i wish I hadn’t bothered. The Drei with all its pulsating technology does absolutely nothing for me…literally nothing.
    Strangely though I cannot bring myself to throw it away. It’s sitting on top of my wardrobe in the hope that a sex toy miracle will sudden make it work for me.

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