YKINMK but My Kink is Not Your Kink either

“Mistress Cara Sutra is a money grabbing bitch”

gold-diggersYou would think that for an area of society dedicated to the diversity of desires, BDSM would be less full of critics and etiquette warriors.

I was recently criticised for requiring gifts from my submissives, as part of an article I wrote about my advice in the world of FemDom. It was touted that this is in fact a ‘money grab‘ and it was implied that the advice was backed purely by greed. I am not going to name names, as to be honest I don’t have time for internet dramas and attention seeking trolls. I’ve enough to be getting on with, believe me. My thoughts in this article, as always, came from my own experiences through the many years I have identified as and enjoyed life as a Domme. A Dominant woman. Some of these years have been as a Pro-Domme, the majority as a Lifestyle Dominant.

I have deduced from my time in the BDSM scene and the sheer quantity of in-person requests as well as emails and online messages I get, that there are more male submissives than the quota of Dommes can meet.

The essence of FemDom for me, is that the male submissive is lucky to be owned by the Domina. Sure, it’s fun to have a male sub around, but for me personally it’s nowhere near a need. I will be Dominant in my personality regardless of whether I have a submissive around or whether I own a submissive. A male submissive often has an air of need about him, that he needs to be owned, needs to be told what to do.

FemDom as I enjoy and indulge in it, isn’t about romance for me, although I understand that many romantic relationships of course include an element of kink and power exchange either one way or the other. For me, FemDom is purely about Dominating a male submissive (or a female, but my preference is for males), and there is nothing romantic about it. Sexual – perhaps, in that it turns me on to control a male in this way and to control their orgasm and sexual activities.

I have written about the differences I perceive in male and female submission before, and I still hold to my belief that male Dominance and female Dominance and those who submit to those areas have some very, very strong and defined differences.

If I were indeed, ‘all about the money and grabbing cash from male submissives’ I would have no need to work all the hours to make my own living, building up my own business and basically providing for my family as best I can, from my own hard slog. My work is not BDSM or FemDom related – not directly anyway, unless you count sales of a bondage kit to the masses. If I were in fact all about the cash I can ‘grab’ from male submissives I would be a Pro-Domme and charge between £150-£250 an hour for my time instead of the standard £25 an hour working as an adult industry copywriter and consultant.

‘Gifts’ as a term does not necessarily denote money. I believe that a male submissive would do best to stand out to his prospective Mistress, Domina or Owner by providing ‘something’ of value. Whether this is a monetary tribute, a present from a wishlist, or a written story, I don’t really care and neither do the other Dommes I have spoken to of similar mind. Usually Lifestyle Dommes, as Pro-Dommes do have monetary charges for their time and talents.

As previously stated, if I were simply after money I would resign as a sex writer and simply set up a dungeon as a Pro-Domme. I don’t actually ask (or beg, as I cringingly see some n00b Dommes doing) for gifts from my wishlist now. I used to put out the call, and the list link is still discoverable on profiles. Why? Because I get it requested otherwise. Male submissives want to buy me gifts. They want to send something that will make me smile. They see this as a way in which they can show themselves useful and in some way, yes, desirable, without any obligation to me as a Mistress to have anything further to do with them. Some messages I receive show sincere regret that they are unable to furnish my life with the gifts they would provide if they were better equipped financially. I merely ask that they show something beyond the oh-so-typical initial wishlist of their own, an email which generally goes along the lines of:

hi mistress

I will be in your location at the weekend and was wondering if we could meet up. I have these desires for you to kidnap me and rape my ass and sit on my face. I also have this long extended fantasy about white gym knickers and ankle socks, so wear those too.

Of course as you’re a mistress and I’m so obviously a sub you will jump to my request as it’s not like you do anything else in life except wait around for the next male who decides he has a submissive streak, so aren’t you lucky! Now you get to ‘do your mistress thing’ which is basically acting as a free life therapist for me and all my desires.

Now don’t you dare expect anything in return, as this is all ‘lifestyle’ and your time means nothing. Your gift in return is just knowing you’ve fulfilled my wishes.


Paraphrased, but sadly not as much as you’d expect.

There are submissives I own who will never provide a financial or physical gift beyond themselves, but the gift they offer is a submission which corresponds brilliantly with my own desires and fetishes as well as the intelligence, wit and humour to make me smile and want to proceed.

There are submissives I own who send several gifts from my wishlist each week, yet don’t offer much beyond this in terms of actions, but still state they have a desire to be trained and taught.

There are submissives I own who provide regular monetary donations to my life yet with no obligation for me to have anything to do with them, beyond what I want to.

I feel in control, in my Female Dominance. I do not feel ‘paid for’ nor do I feel obligated to Dominate anyone who shoves a pair of shoes at me or sends a bank transfer. I noted that Pro-Dommes are not prostitutes in the post I linked to earlier and I stand by this sentiment. This is not an anti-sex worker statement, it’s just the truth. Yes, some sex workers may wish to incorporate kinky roleplay into their sessions, but both the male submissives and the Female Dominants I have spoken to through the years, of which there must now be thousands, agree that visits to a Pro-Domina is not for sexual services. It’s for a need for control. Why not just pay for sex, otherwise? Because there’s something else they need, they need to be controlled and ‘punished’ and for their kinks to be accepted and understood.

The prompt for this week’s Wicked Wednesday is ‘your kink is not my kink’, or YKINMK as it’s commonly shortened to. I have already written a post about what YKINMK means, here.

The fact is, FemDom isn’t a kink for me. It’s just a part of who I am. I don’t feel I am veering away from my normality, it IS normality, for me. And just like a painter who has a natural talent, or a writer, or anyone with a talent, in fact, to share that talent and have others benefit from it often requires something in return. If you’re lucky enough to have a natural inclination towards something that others want, that there’s a demand for, then there is an exchange of SOMETHING to supply that to people who want it.

What happens otherwise? You get overwhelmed with requests and demands ranging from the polite but incessant to the pointedly rude, for you to use your skills for free. Not just free as in for no money, but free as in for nothing. At all. Nothing to make your life any better beyond becoming a therapist, a charity worker, a BDSM ‘doctor’ for those who would take what you have to offer and suck you completely dry until you are exhausted from giving out, giving out until there’s no energy or enthusiasm left.

How do I know? Because I’ve tried it. I’ve tried to give away my Domination as a free for all – to see it as a fun activity. To welcome all, with the open arms of the naive n00b and simply try to enjoy dominating those around who state that they’re submissive or want to be trained. What did I get? Hurt. Hurt, used, lied to, ditched and almost broken as a Mistress and as a Domme. Not quite, but nearly. I have been used as a service Top without my consent many times.

Now, if I feel like someone comes to me and requests Domination, that they need a downpayment of some kind. If that downpayment is simply getting me to start their training with a great big grin on my face, then that will do for me. Not a, ‘oh for fuck’s sake not another demanding little shit’. Not a, ‘oh why yes of course I’ll meet you and see to all your fantasies and then even fuck you because I’m just an unpaid sex worker’.

If that grin comes from a well written, fucking hot erotic story in my inbox, a humiliating video of them shared with me, chastity keys to their locked device on the way to me in the post, some sexy new heels (which, by the way, I am fully capable of buying for myself, thank you very much) or from a monetary tribute, I don’t really care. As long as something is offered.

That’s what makes me, as a Mistress, smile. That’s what shows me that you have thought about my needs before your own, and what will give me the encouragement and confidence to think that in fact, you may be serious about wanting training and Dominance.

One of my submissives up for consideration who sends regular gifts of his own accord and without any prodding, said something interesting lately.

Your cruelty makes you even more beautiful.

This resonated with me. This is part of his kink, his need as a male submissive. He needs me to be cruel to him. He gets hard when I rant at him about anything I feel like ranting about. If I were available and was to see him as a prospective bed partner or romantic partner, he wouldn’t be interested in the slightest. This is by no means a unique experience for me. In fact 95% of the male submissives I have ever spoken to and had dealings with require a perceived cruelty. Sometimes, feeling like they ‘have to’ buy gifts from a wishlist or to send money plays into this kink for them. Other times it’s being humiliated through sending videos that they could be blackmailed over, or by being ‘made’ to write erotic stories for me and/or poetry.

All remains consensual, of course. I don’t reach into a submissive’s bank account and withdraw their life savings, even if I could – and believe me, at times, I could. That’s not my kink, not my interest.

There are building blocks that go with my D/s. The first, I do demand comes from them. Something to show a glimmer of sincerity. A small light showing a genuine submission and desire to be trained as my submissive. Initiative in making me smile.

Make me smile and I will make you smile in return. Whether in consensual pain, from my cruelty, or merely through knowing that your desires are being tended to, albeit with my personal flavour.

My kink is NOT your kink. You may have a similar one, but it’s not my specific one. All that matters to me in FemDom – my normality – is that my wants and needs correspond well with the submissive(s) under my consideration. As for your opinions on whether I’m a money grabbing bitch? They’re irrelevant.

Get on with your own kinks and don’t worry about mine. I’ve spent over 15 years learning about what makes me tick, what doesn’t, my sexuality, my kink orientation and worrying about whether I’m ‘doing it right’. Oh yes, I am doing it right – for me. My submissives happen to agree that it’s right for them too, which is nice. All that matters is that it’s consensual.

I wish you all many smiles in life, however you choose to go about getting them. Sound payment for a life lived in style and happiness.

Read my other Wicked Wednesday posts here

Read my other fetish and BDSM articles here

Check out the Wicked Wednesday website here


– Cara Sutra



  1. For me it is all about consent, even if I don’t ‘get’ someone elses kink as long as it is consensual between the people involved then as far as I am concerned yay for them.


    • Agreed. It’s when people feel able to comment negatively on what I do – when I keep silent during times I see kinks which don’t appeal to me personally. This isn’t a constructed choice for me, even – it’s just what I do. I’ve tried to stop, in the past. Then all of a sudden I’m bossing someone, they are enjoying it, I do it more, turns out they’re a sub and I’ve somehow realised that subconsciously and I’m drawing it out of them without even knowing how or why. I believe that certain types are drawn to each other, like opposites do really attract – and it’s so good when its a compatible meeting of minds. For male subs in particular it’s very difficult to meet Mistresses so I am told – they’re often laughed at in society anyway and this makes them shy or feel guilty. They’re often just so pleased to be spoken to by a Dominant woman and/or under consideration that I find gifts hurled in my general direction.
      Basically – it’s not my fault I’m spoilt. Honest!
      -pouts- 😉

  2. We all have our own kinks that are right for us, and not necessarily for someone else. As long as we respect this, then there should not be any judgment of someone each other’s kink(s).

    Thanks for sharing more information from the FemDom side 🙂

    Rebel xox

  3. Wonderful . . . found myself nodding in agreement, gasping in wonderment, giggling with envy . . . but most of all feeling better (for all of us) that you have been able to express so easily and clearly in words, such a wonderful and SENSIBLE explanation of your (and all of ours) lifestyle!!!
    Xxx – K

  4. Holy shitstacks!
    The amount of entitlment some people feel is utterly mind boggling.

    I find your point about people offering stories or images of themselves particularly interesting. I mean heaven forfend someone approaching you might think of it as an actual interaction with a human being worth investing time and emotion into?

    • Yep – you’d think. But they don’t approach like that. The vast majority approach with a ‘what the fuck can you give ME for getting MY fantasies seen to as you’re meant to be my service Top so fucking domme me now dammit”
      It’s so rare someone approaches with a sincere desire to offer whatever they can to make me smile, or happy. It’s more often than not like I said, as a free sex worker or similar.

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  6. I so agree with the comment ‘free sex worker’. I get people contacting me with lists and lists and lists of what they want.
    However, I’ve just put the phone down THIS MINUTE with a lovely guy who I’m going to meet up with and one of his most insistent questions was, “But what do you want to do; you need to tell me what you want as well.”
    I’m so unused to being asked something like that, I was lost for words and it took me ages to formulate an answer 😮
    So he’s already got a gold star in the book and I haven’t even met him yet!

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