I use sex toys during masturbation but I’m in a relationship. Is it cheating?

She’s laid on the bed, the vivid assortment of penis shaped dildos and vibrators strewn over the covers as she finds her favourite and plunges it deep inside. She gasps as the realistic veins stimulate her inner areas and emits sounds of pure pleasure as the bulbous tip combined with the girthy shaft completely fills her need. Holding on to the lifelike testicles at the base of the dildo, she firmly and deliberately inserts it slowly, then draws it back out; eyes squeezed closed and enjoying the ride.

Retrieving his latest purchase from his private stash he rips off the outer packaging and all but yanks the device out of the tube. Good, comes with lube. So does he. He twists off the top and almost salivates at the prospect of penetrating those sweet, realistic feeling and prettily made pussy lips. The inner texture is tight and the material will warm to him as he thrusts inside. Laying back on the bed, he readies himself at the entrance and closes his eyes, seeking out his favourite fantasy for an orgasmic session.

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I’m cheating on you… with my sex toys

Imagine that these two unconnected people aren’t only sex toy users, they also have a long term partner. Their partners are unaware of their sex toy use, because they’re afraid it will ruin the relationship. Using sex toys has become an illicit act – and why? Because sadly, like so many other people, they think that using sex toys while in a relationship equates to cheating on your partner. Or alternatively, they’re afraid that their partner will think that it’s cheating.

If you think along these lines, or you’re worried that your partner does, you have a few options open about how to proceed.

– Keep your sex toy use a guilty secret from your partner, or carry on thinking that sex toys use in a relationship is the equivalent of cheating

– Challenge your thoughts about sex toys in relationships

– Broach the subject with your partner and help them reach a new, more positive view of sex toys

Hopefully, you’re reading this article because you’re either simply interested in this subject, or because you need something to change. Viewing the use of sex toys while in a relationship as cheating isn’t just ill-informed, it’s damaging – both to your own health and to your relationship with your partner.

If you think using sex toys means they’re cheating

Let’s take a look at this angle first. If you see the use of sex toys in a relationship as cheating, or unnecessary, do you feel the same way about masturbation without sex toys? Although it’s possible, it’s unlikely that you have never masturbated in the course of your adult life while being in a relationship at the same time. Whether you’re a man or a woman, masturbation is a natural and extremely healthy part of an adult’s sex life.

Perhaps it’s the shape of the toys you’re averse to. There are many highly realistic penis shaped vibrators and dildos, as well as very realistic looking and feeling male masturbators for adults to pleasure themselves with. It could be that the sight of these are too close for comfort, that they’re simply too ‘real’ and you don’t feel happy about your partner using them to reach climax.

Although it’s true that many of the available sex toys on the market are labelled ‘realistic’, this is by no means the entirety of what is available in terms of sex toys. In fact the realistic sector of sex toys has become a dwindling one in recent times, with more abstract and creative shapes and non-realistic devices becoming more popular with both men and women. Rabbit vibrators can by no means be labelled ‘realistic’, I think we’d all be concerned if a man’s penis suddenly sprouted two flickering bunny ears to tickle a clitoris with. In the same vein (pun unintended), there are many palm held masturbation sleeves and vibrating masturbators for men which don’t resemble any part of a human.

If a battery powered, rechargeable or simply cleverly crafted shape can bring more pleasure to your partner in their solo pleasure times than using just their fingers alone, would you really deny them that extra level of pleasure?

If your partner thinks that using sex toys means you’re cheating

When you’re the partner who doesn’t see anything wrong with using sex toys but you’re worried your partner will have a problem with it, you will need to tread carefully and with compassion when you broach this issue with your partner. Perhaps they have quite clearly stated their opinions about you using sex toys, and how much they’re against the idea. Whatever the case may be, if you want to bring about a change to the situation and not keep it sex toys as your guilty secret, you will need to have this discussion with your partner at some point.

As already detailed above, it’s important to point out that not all sex toys are realistically styled, nor do they have to be if you are to gain pleasure from them. You might need to add an extra reassurance for your partner, assuring them that you think of them while masturbating and that this isn’t a mechanism for cheating in any way – even within the confines of your mind.

Explain that there are sex toys that you could enjoy together. Bringing sex toys into the bedroom which both of you can enjoy is a great way to diminish the intimidating effect that sex toys can have on a partner. This could be presenting a woman with a bullet vibrator to slip between you while you make love, or a man could be gifted a vibrating cock ring to wear during sex which you both gain pleasure from.

Once sex toys are seen as a source of pleasure rather than as a threat, you will be on the right path towards a more positive sex and masturbation life whether getting your sexual kicks together or on your own.

Healthy and positive masturbation

It’s exciting to use something different than your own fingers while masturbating. A different material, texture or even temperature of a sex toy can hugely increase the enjoyment of even a short pleasure session. Vibration is dramatically different to the natural motion of fingers either over the surface of skin or to penetrate yourself with.

Masturbation using sex toys is a healthy (and still faithful) way to discover new things about your own body without needing to involve another person. Regular masturbation can even improve your sex life with your partner, as you bring the stimulation skills you’ve learned about yourself into the bedroom with them, teaching them new and sometimes more effective ways of stimulating your body. Fantasies which arrive in your mind during the freedom of masturbation sessions can be shared with your partner when you’re together again, opening up many opportunities for exciting roleplay sessions, different sexual positions and more.

Sex toys really are the seasoning on a great masturbation and sex life, whether used with your partner or own your own. Salt and pepper do not replace food, they bring out the flavour. With this perspective in mind, a positive opinion of sex toys can form, and these pleasure objects can be rightly embraced as the cleverly crafted tools they are.

Where to buy your sex toys

So which sex toys are right for you? Online sex toy shops such as Love Pleasure UK offer a wide range of vibrators, dildos, male masturbators and couples sex toys at low prices and with that all important discreet delivery. Your details are kept confidential and there’s free shipping within the UK for all orders over £20 too. You can even get a further 20% off your order by using my exclusive discount code ‘CARA’ at checkout.

Love-Pleasure

Read my recent Bite Sized Guide to Sex Toys and Bedroom Essentials here, for advice on the best sex toys shopping for you.

– Cara Sutra

 

9 COMMENTS

  1. […] as well, with a fairly surprising revelation that some people may go one step further, and think of private play with sex toys as ‘cheating’. Well, you’re technically getting an orgasm from something other than your beau, so is there […]

  2. Besides the whole thing being irrelevant if cheating is taken out of the picture by unconditionally wanting people, you have relationships with, to be happy and have as much enjoyment as possible. It’s certainly not cheating. Only deception by not telling about them. Which is the important for polyamory (and any relationship of course) – openness and honesty.

    The one aspect that came to mind though was about does our sensitivity to stimulation change and how could sex toys influence that. When starting reading this I half expected a section “but if he uses a sex toy I won’t be able to make him cum anymore” or something of the like :D. What are your thoughts on that aspect of sex toys (or even masturbation)?

  3. my current husband introduced me to toys, i’d never used one before we met. ive used them alone, he’s used them on me, with me, and watched me use them. i dont see anything “wrong” with it

  4. Sex toys are marketed at women to cut down on stds and babies. It’s a form of birth control. Using sex toys also turns sex into selfish pleasure where the guy is just there. Oh course women say it’s ok. They are the beneficiary. It’s classic narcissism.

    If the roles are reversed the double standard comes out. If a guy bought a flesh lite, porn or real doll women she would claim he’s hurting her feelings and that he is objectifying women and that’s wrong. It’s ok for her pleasure but not his.

    Women are selfish by nature. If you want a long healthy relationship I advise men not bring in external pleasure. You are increasing her lust for other things but you. They can say it’s no replacement for intimacy but it was never about intimacy. It’s about love of pleasure and you
    have green lighted her a path to selfish pleasure that when fully manifest itself will lead to many arguments and eventually a sexless marriage for you but not her because she will either ask for an open relationship, cheat or a divorce.

    • If you believe women are ‘selfish by nature’ you won’t then want to be in a relationship with any of them, which completely solves your problem, seeing as whatever anyone other than you and your partner do in the bedroom is none of your business. Enjoy your woman-free life!

  5. Alex, I am sorry you have issues in your personal life that make you see women as “selfish by nature”.

    You could hardly be less correct.

    I hope you can find some peace in your head, ‘cos right now, looking from the outside, it looks pretty messed up in there.

  6. My apologies to Cara Sutra… here’s an on-topic comment.

    My wife and I both use a wide variety of sex toys, together, solo, and watching. Neither of us considers it cheating – or anything else negative – in fact it toys enrich our lives.

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