Pulling rabbits out of my vagina for Easter
Is a rabbit vibrator the best sex toy for you?
There seems to be a global obsession with making every seasonal event sexy. Oh hai, Easter. For those of us in the adult industry, this is great news; sales of rabbit vibrators, bunny girl costumes, bunny ears, love eggs and male masturbation eggs soar. It can seem a little forced, though. Sometimes you just want to actually enjoy a seasonal event, without having to dream up some crazy new sales tagline, such as
- Happy hens – get laid this Easter!
- He died for your sins – make sure it’s worth it, this weekend!
- Love eggs? We do. Grab yours, now, for just £12.99
- Give him an egg he can goo himself
- These bunny girl outfits will make him ‘spring’ into life!
- Feel good vibes with half price rabbits all week!
- Get ‘at it like rabbits’ with these crazy low-priced couples toys!
So I am taking a stand and pulling rabbits out of my vagina for Easter. Rabbit vibrators I mean, obviously. Why, what were you thinking? Perverts.
I’ve never been such a huge fan of rabbit vibrators anyway, and you can see from my rabbit vibrator reviews that my opinion of the traditional rabbit vibe styles tends to be similar across the board. Rabbit vibrators generally need to have quite a few additional luxurious elements to make them palatable for my vagina and clit. What’s wrong with the traditional rabbit vibe, you ask, probably in a shocked tone. True, trad rabbits are still insanely popular with your sex toy beginner or women who frequent a certain sex toys party night and may come home half tipsy on Lambrini with light-up willy deely boppers on her head. Describing myself there, back in about 1998.
So what’s my problem?
The premise of vaginal penetrative shaft combined with a clitoral stimulator is great. But the rigid structure of a rabbit vibrator comes in a pretty standard measurement and vagina depth to clit area ratio, whereas every woman is unique. My clit may be almost up by my belly button and my vaginal entrance only a smidge from my butt-hole (they’re not, but they could be). Yours may be in the more standard areas, but still with different placement to every other woman out there. How are they going to make a rabbit vibrator with totally rigid shafts and clit stims which feel perfect for everyone?
Next comes crunching up the balls. The balls inside the rabbit vibe shaft, I mean. More modern designs have metal balls inside the shaft, on either vertical or horizontal wires so they don’t move around too much. This is probably due to the fact that on the original rabbit vibrator, the balls inside the shaft were cheap plastic or some other cheap material. Over time, the movements of these balls inside the shaft against one another caused them to corrode and be worn down. One of my first ever rabbit vibrators ended up more like a snowglobe, there was that much… ‘ball-dust’ is the only word I can think of to describe it, inside.
You’ll notice on luxurious ‘rabbit-style’ vibrators that the clit stim doesn’t have a double bunny ear effect. Originally the clit stim was VERY rabbit oriented, with a rabbit-head style design which you were meant to get aroused at the thought of shoving up against your hot, wet n ready sex-bits. Because you always wanted to Queen a bunny. Now, top-end rabbit vibes have a more abstract feel. This isn’t only for a superior aesthetic effect. Bullet vibrators are popular for a reason. Oh, we all tried to go along with the media which told us that just like Those Fab Girls from Sex and the City, we too would love the flickering feel of jelly slivers bristling against our clit hood. What were we meant to do? Tease ourselves to orgasm? Give me some firm feel, powerful motor action. A bullet vibrator in this area makes for a strong vibrating ‘pad’ to push against your clit and properly get off to. In addition, I’ve suffered some nasty cuts to my clit hood skin from those traditional ‘jelly-sliver’ rabbit ears in the past. Like paper cuts on your girl bits. Not nice.
Then comes the weight of the whole thing, and the fact you have to take out shares in Duracell if you want to use your rabbit vibrator on a regular basis. Power-hungry isn’t the word. Wouldn’t be too bad if you could just toss a lettuce leaf into your toy box every day. These things are thirsty, and I am talking up to six batteries in a rabbit vibrator. More standard rabbit vibrators took 4 AA or AAA batteries, which would last a couple of ‘gos’ and you were all out. If you have kids, you’ll know what I mean. VTech, Leap Frog, ELC light up and musical toy? Remote control cars. That musical activity centre that they just can’t go to sleep without? Battery-hungry. Think of preparing for the Christmas onslaught of battery toys, and then think about going through that worry every time you want to masturbate. Just not worth it.
The batteries add to the fact that the damn thing is HEAVY. I’m not a weak woman by any means, but there is a serious risk of foot injuries if you drop these monstrosities on your foot either while grappling with it during, or just after you’ve finally managed to orgasm, standing up leaning on your bathroom wall.
Most of the original rabbit vibrators weren’t waterproof either – so you couldn’t use them in the bath or shower, and cleaning was a worry – and the materials used were dodgy to say the least. Phthalates laden, porous jelly styles with a smell like the inside of your first pencil case and a slightly slimy feel that made you want to go rinse your hands in TCP. And then you were meant to shove it up your vagina.
Even if you did dare to brave sticking this thing up your chuff, you then had to remember which sliders or buttons did what. There was usually one side to operate the clit stim, and the other was for the shaft, on the 80s-mobile-brick style handle and control area. It’s basically a magic trick that you have to do when you use sex toys, even with the majority of them today; remembering which button does what, where and when. Modern luxurious styles have intelligently designed controls so it’s pretty natural: up button for more, down button for less-to-off and middle button to change the function. Or simply one button; power on, up through the speeds and functions, press and hold for off.
Not so with the traditional rabbit vibe. Slide those sliders through 6 or 9 modes, one for shaft the other for clit! Find the combination that suits you! This rabbit vibrator offers an amazing 6,842 different speed and pattern combinations! But you only need one, really; the one that works for you.
What made me really laugh was light up controls. As if somehow a woman was able to detach her own head during masturbation and stick it between her legs to spy on where the buttons are. Well – female masturbation is a mysterious beast, for sure. Never quite detached my own head though.
What really annoys me about rabbit vibrators, though (as if all that wasn’t enough) is the fact that due to ‘that damn show’ in the 90s, with much egging-on by the media and a whipped up ‘rampant’ frenzy from a certain high street chain, too many women think that rabbit vibrators are the sex toy when it comes to female masturbation. The only sex toy. That there’s nothing superior. Not even that it’s the best sex toy to have and use. That it’s quite simply, the only vibrating sex toy for women. That women’s sex toys comprise of a realistic dildo (for when your ‘real penis’ isn’t around) and a rabbit vibrator. Because using a rabbit vibrator makes you somehow a little bit kinky. It doesn’t look exactly like a penis, OMGWOW. The Ultimate Vibrator.
Then they get it home after spending some extortionate amount on this semi transparent, stinky jelly, plastic sparkle encrusted handle monstrosity and remove it from the box. If they’re lucky they will receive batteries with it. If not, well – that’s the TV remote control out of action for the week. Hopefully they’ll wash the thing first, so the manufacture chemicals don’t lead to an embarrassing trip to the doctors thinking they’ve contracted an STD off the toilet seat (experience talking here). Then they’ll put the thing inside them.
And find out that no, in fact their genitals aren’t standard size, that the rabbit ears come up just a little too high or a little too low, or that the penetrative shaft is too long, or curved in the wrong place, or that labia-exciting bulge in the shaft slips all the way in anyway, or doesn’t come close to touching their lips. Then they turn it on. The ears start flicking and twitching, but it feels like someone flapping the side of a leaflet against their clit. The points of them dig into the area above the clit hood entirely, and the powerful centre of the action, the clit bunny’s nose (which would feel amazing on the clit) is actually buzzing quite pointlessly somewhere slightly above the vaginal entrance.
It’s all a little bit disappointing, to say the least.
So I hope that goes some way to explain how I feel about traditional rabbit vibrators, and why I am pulling rabbits out of my vagina for Easter, as well as through the year. This isn’t to say though, that I hate all kinds of rabbit vibrator. There are some modern styles which have turned my decades long tide of abhorring all rabbit style vibes. The Swan Whooper, for instance, as well as my new-found love, the LELO Insignia Soraya which has a flexible clit stim shaped like a bullet, that you can place near wherever your personal best ‘clitoral wowing area’ happens to be.
So don’t give up! Just make sure that if you do want to sample sexy rabbits at Easter, that you do your research first. There are also a LOT of other sex toys to try too, such as glass dildos (adore this one), bullet vibrators which are great to use while you have a dildo of your choice in your vagina, as well as couples sex toys you can use during sex.
Good luck in your sexy rabbit hunt at Easter, or any time of year.
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