Stampy Pants Rants: Stop making people scared to talk about being sex positive

Official Stampy Pants RantIn this post I will probably offend whole groups of people, use the wrong labels, get my terminology wrong and may even become some kind of sexuality community outcast.


Well it seems that lately you can’t say right for saying wrong on the internet these days, even if your intentions are completely non-offensive or merely trying to learn more about a group of people or a sexuality/gender subject. A strong consistent theme of sex positivity flows throughout the conversations, blogs and discussions amongst those with an interest in these areas.

Let’s just think about that for a moment. Sex. Positivity. Being positive about something. Actually, being non-judgemental. Not casting judgement, but instead welcoming a spirit of unity, harmony and acceptance.

Do you have a spirit of acceptance when it comes to how others perceive and talk about your sexuality choices and gender orientation? Or do you have pre-conceived ideas that you bring to the table of every discussion about such?

The social traditional bully of any situation has ironically become seen to be a valid target of the traditional underdogs. For example, there is the case of reverse racism, as well as what seems to be a reverse sexism, genderism, etc whatever the ‘right’ label is. Don’t hit me. I haven’t been involved in any sexuality or gender ‘turf wars’, so to speak, but over the past year or more, my forays into the world of sexuality and education about a more sex positive world has led to feedback from my community peers and other bloggers that they’re often afraid to say a word out of place.

Thinking about it, why should only one person or group deem the ‘right’ labels to use? Just because there has been, during history, terrible racism against black people by white people,  it doesn’t give black people a valid ‘right’ to bully white people about it or to expect it before it happens. Nor does this same trend give trans or non-gender-identifying people the right to call out cis people before anything offensive is even done. In the same way, it doesn’t give women the right to be misandrist to men just because women have endured years of misogyny.

I would like to see the guilt of an entire group of people not used any more. Not taken advantage of. It’s manipulative, it’s emotionally blackmailing, it’s controlling and it’s definitely not positive.

I am white, I am cis – if a black trans person pushed ahead of me in the queue in a shop and I called them out on it, I would hardly expect for them to turn around and say OH well I expect you feel you have the right to call me out on my behaviour, because you are just a privileged white cis person! How dare you! For I am the renowned underdog and you are now just using your privileged position to reiterate my small, picked-upon position!

Ok, slight exaggeration of how things may go – but this kind of thing happens all the time, in the realms of the internet and on social media. People feel able to lash out with pre-conceived notions of how others mean their sincere questions and interest and curiosity. Asking for information and thoughts from someone different to you isn’t automatically being offensive. Maybe they just want to learn. What exactly is wrong with that?

I thought one of the main lessons we were meant to learn as kids in the playground was to treat others as you’d want to be treated – and not to stoop to bullies levels. You have an issue with being singled out, bullied and mistreated? Then why use this anger and frustration to do exactly the same to any and everyone around you who dares utter a word about your situation/orientation/gender/issues/anything-else-I-have-accidentally-forgotten-don’t-hit-me?

It’s almost like many daren’t utter a word these days about sex, sexuality, gender or anything else – in case of a public rebuke and showdown by someone more sex positive than ourselves. Oh, the shame and humiliation. Using the wrong label. How did it come to this! Surely progress and understanding can only come with discussion, and this can’t really happen if any discussion ventured into is immediately cut off, clamped down and mocked by a small percentage who seem to revel in being the surly small minded ‘pro-outcast’ with definitely more issues than what their genitalia happen to be or want.

How about we all stop worrying so much about what everyone else is trying to label us as, and start just trying to make sure we don’t upset one another? Not automatically assuming every word that doesn’t meet with your inner approval is an affront to your very soul? Surely that’s a more positive way to move forwards? If there is so much angst and anger and societal warfare going on in the world of sexuality and gender, isn’t it better not to pick fights where they’re not warranted, just because there may be an underlying frustration about as yet unaltered larger world views?


Note: If you’ve been offended by anything I have written in this post, it’s probably because I have a different brain to you. That doesn’t mean that I am necessarily a negative, horrible or intolerant person. It just makes me different. And that’s ok, right? Because we’re all accepting of one another. 

– Cara Sutra


  1. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this! I think it needed to be said and I appreciate you taking the time to post on such an important topic!

  2. I’ve been thinking about this topic lately because I noticed other bloggers using the word “cis” and didn’t know what it meant. I looked it up and realized that I’m cis but just never heard of that label until recently. I call myself a heterosexual woman, but since I learned about the cis label, I’ve been wondering if it’s incorrect to use the word “heterosexual.” However, I don’t think I’m going to change how I refer to myself because calling myself cis doesn’t feel genuine to me. It’s not a label I’ve used my whole life, so although it’s probably more accurate, I feel like the label I use for myself shouldn’t offend other people. As far as I know, using the word “heterosexual” hasn’t offended anyone yet, so I’ll just continue to use it when I’m talking about myself.

    • Cis refers to your gender, hetero refers to your sexual preference. You can be cis, but be a lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, etc. Cis means you identify with the gender you were born (being born with female genitalia and being female). Calling yourself heterosexual shouldn’t be offensive to anyone, just like someone saying they’re bisexual shouldn’t. I hope this helps clear up any confusion. 🙂

      • Your comment does help, Property Of Potter. Thank you.

        There’s only one thing I want to be sure about. I was born female and identify as female, and I’ve had sexual relationships only with men, so I suppose I could – in addition to using the words “female” and “woman” and “heterosexual” to describe myself – say that I’m both cisgender (born female and identify as female) and cissexual (heterosexual in sexual relationships). Is that right? If it is, then I’ve got it. I’m just not sure if cisgender and cissexual mean the same thing and would therefore be interchangeable.

        • This is a topic I’m still educating myself on. I’m certainly not an expert, but I’m doing what I can to learn about gender and sexuality. Here’s what I found on cisgender vs cissexual:

          “Some people have suggested cissexual as opposed to cisgender because the term is more politically correct. Helen Boyd argues for a difference between cisgendered and cissexual by saying that cissexual makes less assumptions about the person’s presentation (ie. a crossdresser would be cissexual, but not cisgendered) and their alignment to the trans community in her blog (”

          (Found here:

          This person brings up a lot of good points, mentioning that cisgender implies that there are only two genders, so believes cissexual would be the better term to use:

          So it seems like they mean the same thing, just cisgender is a little more restrictive. Like I said, this is a topic I’m currently educating myself on, so I don’t have all the right answers. I’m researching and learning as I go along. I think we can all benefit from doing research and asking questions. It’s important we all understand each other and ourselves. 🙂

          • Thank you for the links and additional information you provided, Property Of Potter. It seems like we (and likely many others) are in the same boat when it comes to this topic. I’ve been doing some research and educating myself as well – especially over the past couple of weeks – and I actually have already checked out two of the three pages from your comment above. I’ve been thinking about it, and I believe I’ve decided to stick with “heterosexual” for now until I feel confident using the words “cisgender” and “cissexual.” I don’t know if I’ll ever make the switch because they’re just not the familiar words I’ve always used to describe myself. I don’t mean to be insensitive, but I think people sometimes take being politically correct too far, and I only recently heard of these words within the past six months, so they seem incredibly new to me. However, it’s helpful to read what others have to say because there are people who have strong opinions about these labels.

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