I’m A Secret Submissive | Why Female Submission Is A Private Kink For Me

I’m A Secret Submissive… by Cara Sutra

Why Female Submission Is A Private Kink For Me

How do you take your submission, Miss? Privately, or with an audience at the side? For me, female submission is an entirely sexual act, not a lifestyle choice or a facet of my personality. I submit to my partner for my pleasure, as well as for his. The act of him taking pleasure in my sexual submission or bedroom roleplay keys into an underlying vanity. That’s why I say I’m a secret submissive… for his enjoyment only.  It’s like buying the perfect present or delivering the perfect blow job – pleasing your partner through carefully thought out actions also brings you excitement and pleasure. There is no truly benevolent act, and all that jazz.

I'm A Secret Submissive Why Female Submission Is A Private Kink For Me

There’s no doubt that some women enjoy public female submission and I admire those submissive types. To be able to be tied down in a public setting and feel the eyes of a fetish club or BDSM party gathering watching you. I mean an appropriate public setting of course, not just over any random hedge or bench! That takes an extraordinary amount of courage & letting go of the reins. I think I need to retain too much control,. To give up absolutely every ounce of it (other than through using safewords) is beyond terrifying.

Submission ≠ Weakness

People may think that Dominants, or Dominant women, have some kind of scorn for submissives. Just because I take advantage of a submissive’s desire to be humiliated about their position, doesn’t mean that I have no respect for them. In fact, if I had no respect for a submissive why would I a) have any time for them at all and b) attempt to both cater to their kinky desires while at the same time becoming aroused from them?

No, I don’t have a deeply rooted scorn for submissives scurrying through every vein. I have a great deal of respect and admiration. You wouldn’t find me tied over a whipping bench, naked, in front of an audience, ready to be striped til I cry. Sorry about that, folks. Hand me the flogger and I will gleefully turn a subby butt into a barber’s shop pole. I will adorn myself in the finest FemDom attire and stalk confidently, in my 6 inch heels, into any BDSM themed (or other) venue and feel the Dominance radiating through my body and mind. That is who I am.

To give everything away, proffer up my female submission and body and control? No can do.

Meanwhile, In The Bedroom

But… back at home? When he tells me to strip, lie down, be tied and to suck and be fucked? Yes please Daddy.

Don’t get me wrong, I have humiliating-submission-in-front-of-an-audience fantasies just like every other hot-blooded, sexually adventurous woman. (You all have them too, right?) It’s just that I know for a fact I would absolutely hate it in reality. It’s something I would never consent to. Perhaps it’s down to my deep-rooted self-consciousness, which I’ve learned to polish up with a layer of bluffed confidence. It’s just the same as I carefully dab concealer over flaws on my face, or refuse to leave the house until I at least have eye-liner and mascara on. For someone to see me without that world-facing mask, means I have given them a level of trust. Trust, and therefore control. I am through with being abused at vulnerable times (in a non-consensual and definitely not fun way), so I am supremely conscious about handing over this vulnerability and control now.

Everything in my life is approached with a genuine and deep level of conviction and honesty. I don’t make a very good actress. In fact I was bottom of the class in drama at school. I was so consistently bottom (the irony) that I eventually just dropped the subject entirely. I can’t lie very well either. What I am getting at is that I can only submit in a time and place where I feel utterly safe, loved and that the trust I put in that person or persons won’t be abused, while I’m in a vulnerable position. This doesn’t include the general public, or whoever may be in an audience. An imaginary audience doesn’t count, I can cease their existence with a flick of the mind.

Submission & Sex

You know the other time I feel safe, loved and trusting of someone? When I’m having sex. Mind you, sex and kink is so entwined for me now I simply cannot separate the two. The last time I had what most would label ‘vanilla’ sex is so long ago I can’t even remember having it. Or even if I’ve ever had it at all, I guess. Of course I don’t always use the anal hook attached to the suspension beam in the dungeon (!).

Kinky sex could just be the use of a title to refer to the other person, a whispered reminder of past played out role-play; “fuck me harder daddy” or “please may I suck you now Sir” or him with his “pull yourself apart for me, I want to watch you” and “does my little want her teddy? This might hurt just a little bit”.

Ramping things up a tad in the activity stakes comes being physically restrained, and I love bondage and all things associated with it. It’s like giving up that precious control, but being in control of giving up the control. Circles in circles. Bungee jumping in the mind. Jumping off that cliff face and being able to enjoy the exhilarating feeling of free-fall, safe in the knowledge (somewhere at the back of your mind) that there is a cord linking you to safety.

Why My Submission Stays Private

I'm A Secret Submissive Why Female Submission Is A Private Kink For Me

Bringing my female submission out of the bedroom and in front of an audience or the world at large to see, beyond writing about it on a sex blog, would be cutting that safety rope for me. It would take that free-fall and see me crash and burn when I hit the ground. I’d break, completely.

If submission is your life, regardless of whether that’s at home or in front of any audience or play partners your Dominant agrees, then you have my utmost respect and admiration. For me, female submission is a private affair. My female submission is a private affair, I should clarify. I have no problem with bringing submissives out of their shell in a public environment if that is their kink.

How About You?

If you’re a woman and you’re sexually adventurous or experimental, would you consider submitting in a public play setting like a club or BDSM  party? Or would you only ever consider submission in the bedroom, linked mostly to sexual activity?

Looking forward to your comments below! 🙂


I'm A Secret Submissive Why Female Submission Is A Private Kink For Me

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  1. After over 20 years on the fetish scene, I think I can safely say that submitting just doesn’t do it for me. I’ve tried it a time or two, in private and occasionally in the interests of research and/or for a dare when among friends. I agree with you that being a top doesn’t mean you despise subs for their submission – where would we be without them?
    But a pet hate of mine (which I know isn’t what you said) is the view I’ve heard from some people who should really know better, to the extent that a ‘dominant’ woman just hasn’t yet met the man who could make her submit and love it. Funny how no one ever seems to want the legions of submissive men to discover their inner master…

    • I completely agree with you. It’s on a par with saying that lesbians just haven’t found the right man yet. Which I have heard plenty of times directed at friends. Terrible attitude, tbh.

  2. Husband and I have been together for a number of years and like you we have not had straight sex for years. He knows how to dominate me and he knows my limits. We do play with close friends in a private setting sometimes but he is a always there to keep me safe. I am always the submissive which is the way I like it. We tried whips, candles, paddles etc but they did nothing for us. For me it’s just being made to feel helpless that turns me on!

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