Why fighting someone shows you love them

screaming in argumentSounds odd, doesn’t it? Surely fighting and rowing are the signs that a relationship has really run its course. Well, that all depends on the argument involved.

Just think back: have you ever had a relationship that you didn’t fight or argue in? What was it like? Would you describe it as happy, or boring?

Sure, fighting with your partner can certainly indicate that you have relationship problems, I am not disputing that fact. It’s also a sign that something is alive in the relationship: passion. By the way, I’m not talking about physical fighting here and definitely not about domestic abuse, which is never right or acceptable.

When I disagree with my partners about something, no matter how small or large, I argue my point. I may then agree to disagree but there are two important reasons why I argue my case. 1) I have enough interest in them, the relationship and my opinion to open my mouth and argue back and 2) I feel liberated, comfortable and content enough to be able to open my mouth and argue back.

Interest in the relationship and feeling free to express your opinions are two foundation blocks of any happy relationship. I have had a relationship in the past which didn’t experience any ripples of argument along the way, never mind the crashing tsunami of a large scale argument. At the time I thought, this is it! I’ve achieved it. A happy relationship with no arguments, no jealousy, no shouting or rowing.

As it turns out, I just didn’t care enough. I didn’t love him, I didn’t care about him, I couldn’t give a toss about whether we agreed or disagreed on important or unimportant things.

Playing to the traditional gender mentalities, I must admit that in my experience it’s more of a female need to air grievances. After speaking with my female partner of 3 years, she feels the same way. While our male partners are often consumed with and prioritise finding the solution to an issue, we find that the solution is actually the period of discussion, debate, argument and verbal (or written, text or instant messenger!) communication which occurs over an issue.

Somehow, an issue in the relationship, whatever it may be about, doesn’t feel truly resolved unless it’s been hammered out over the due time period and run at from every angle. Due to my hearing loss I do find it easier and more comfortable to argue or discuss an issue through other forms than verbal communication, such as text or on MSN. This also has the added benefit of not being able to interrupt one another, or voice levels getting too irate.

You would be amazed at how fulfilling it is to resolve any conflict or misunderstandings through a good barrage of texts.

Arguing clears the air in a relationship. It ensures that issues aren’t kept bottled up, unhealthily, for years. It lets your partner know that you care enough to argue your point, or against their point, with them. To shrug off any conflict and simply walk away or refuse to acknowledge or confront it is the same as saying, “I don’t care enough about you to discuss this. The fact we don’t agree doesn’t matter to me. I have no interest or passion in this relationship.” This can lead to devastating hurt and waves of anger which are set deeper than even the original source of conflict.

I can’t think of anything worse than a relationship where you’re afraid to raise any issues, if not your voice. You don’t have to shout if you disagree, but being able to release relationship tension by stating what’s bothering you is such a valuable part of a relationship.

It’s unnatural to get along with anyone we’re intimate with or live with constantly, hence the popular expression, “familiarity breeds contempt”. That’s not to say you’ll always hate who you’re with, or living with… but there are sure to be times when you don’t always get on!

Arguing with someone doesn’t show you don’t love them or you aren’t meant to be together, in my opinion. In fact, it shows that you care for them enough, have enough respect and still hold enough spark, interest and passion in the relationship to communicate your feelings on any given subject, whether you agree or not.

Are you in a relationship? Do you argue? Are you happy with the level of arguing or not? If you’re single, do you agree that relationships need some arguments to be happy, or do you believe they should be peaceful 24/7?

I’d love to hear your comments below.



– Cara Sutra


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