We’ve all heard the erotic stories about food sex: licking a tasty tidbit from either your partner’s nose, from that soft indent at the centre of their collarbone or from those lower down, more intimate regions. No-one ever warns you about what not to use.
I’m talking about those foods which should definitely not be used for licking, naughty nibbling or full on sploshing. Fancy raiding the cupboards for a night of delectable, edible passion?
Here are the top 10 foods NOT to use during your appetite sating endeavours.
Or toast. In fact anything which creates a highly NON-sensual layer of crumbs on the flesh, in the bed, all over the carpet. Crumb dropping carbs are bad enough when eaten as a bedtime snack between the sheets, never mind attempting to introduce them as part of arousing food play.
2. Ice lollies
… at least lollies which are fresh from the freezer. Go lick that frozen lamp post. No? Then you’ll know what I mean when I say do NOT under any circumstances insert an un-rinsed ice lolly. Vaginal burns. Ouch.
3. Dairy products
Whether it’s cream cake, a drizzling of custard or a sexy smear of Philadelphia (if that’s what you’re into), it’s easy to see why dairy products are the all time go-to products of sploshers everywhere. Soft, warm, gooey and lickable. If you really must use dairy products for food sex, please please please follow this one piece of advice:
Wash in the coldest water possible afterwards.
Cooked on dairy smells from washing with hot water are not attractive, you will smell like a dairy farm for a week. You’ve been warned.
4. Chocolate spread
There’s no getting away from it, chocolate spread does not leave stains of the sexy kind. In fact, it looks like poo. Really unsexy. Also, chocolate spread is not tasty in large quantities.
5. Anything fish related.
Again, probably very obvious reasons. As fresh as the fish may be, you really don’t want to mix fish and the heat of passion in one room. Trust me.
Fish and chips hot in the newspaper? No. Definitely not.
Even if you’re on a diet don’t come shaking your lettuce leaf covered tush at me. It’s not tasty, it’s cold, it’s not spreadable. Leave the salad in the fridge.
7. Hot sauces
Tabasco sauce, mustard, horseradish. They’d certainly warm up a winter’s night. Ending with you in the casualty waiting room, an ice pack to your bits. Don’t risk it.
To be honest anything deep fried is a no-no for food sex. The oils used don’t mix well with the sensitive skin of your nether regions and a trail of chip fat over the breasts isn’t that attractive either.
Yes, this also applies to oven chips.
9. Baked beans
Are you hoping for a night of passion or raising money for charity? Ever feel aroused watching that guy in a tracksuit sat in a tub of baked beans? No… well there’s your answer.
I know at least a few of you were considering it.
Because, well… it’s spam. Is there any food less sexy? Don’t believe anything Voluptasse says on the subject. 😉
So there you have it. My top 10 foods NOT to be used for food sex. What do you use when you want to get a little messy in the bedroom (or kitchen)? Any top tips or advice you can share? Feel free to leave your comment below!
– Cara Sutra