The Adventurous Couple’s Guide to Sex Toys By Violet Blue
I am very proud to announce that I am hosting a free excerpt and extra information about the newest book from the wonderful Violet Blue, The Adventurous Couple’s Guide to Sex Toys.
Published by Cleis Press, this book carefully describes the world of sex toys, clear enough for any beginner to understand but also sorting the facts from the fiction even for seasoned sex toy veterans like me. Violet Blue doesn’t hold back, she names names when it comes to sex toys that will “melt into a puddle of chemical goo” as well as great sex toys that you should go and check out for better sex with your partner.
I learned a lot more about sex toys, materials and Violet Blue herself through reading this book, and in my opinion this should be required reading for anyone who uses sex toys, whether you’re a collector, reviewer or vibrator virgin about to purchase that first Ladyfinger vibe.
Enjoy this excerpt and then, once you’ve finished, hop over to Cleis Press and buy The Adventurous Couple’s Guide to Sex Toys here.
To purchase on Amazon (UK) please buy your copy of The Adventurous Couple’s Guide to Sex Toys By Violet Blue here. It’s low priced and well worth your pennies.
– Cara Sutra
Feeling adventurous? In this witty and well-informed guide, bestselling author and chief sex education pundit Violet Blue explains how to choose and use sex toys to play and explore together—and have mind-blowing sex. Also featuring new content by the renowned Dr. Charlie Glickman, The Adventurous Couple’s Guide to Sex Toys helps couples redefine alone time. Violet offers tips on creative usage and ideas for introducing sex toys to a relationship for sex toy novices and practiced enthusiasts alike.
Strap-Ons and Bend Over Boyfriend
Have you ever wanted to turn the tables on your lover, strapping on a sexy black harness, fastening in a dildo to jut out from between your legs, just so—then following through with everything your new dick implies? And what would that entail, exactly: strutting around in a pair of high heels, or going all the way and dressing extra butch in a tank top and work boots? Better yet, if you followed all these lines of thinking, how hot and bothered would you get while stroking your new erect appendage, rubbing it all over your lover’s face, and having them give you a blow job—or more, when you take total control and penetrate them?
Sound hot? It is. Being on the receiving end (literally) of a strap-on is just as arousing in the, well, flesh. Whether it’s a power exchange fantasy, a gender-bending scenario, or just the blissful sensation of feeling your lover inside you, there’s little that compares with strap-on sex.
Harnesses come in a variety of shapes, styles, and sizes, and can be tailored to fit virtually any fantasy scenario you and your lover have in mind. Strap-ons are for women, men, and trans people of all genders and orientations who want a little (or a big) something extra in their pants. There are strap-ons made just for men, harnesses for female-to-male trans folks, strap-on rigs made for a variety of functions like double penetration, and much, much more. Unlike their depictions in most porn, strap-ons aren’t just for long-fingernailed, fluffy-haired, fake lesbians.
As a sex act, straight couples playing with strap-ons has proven a very lucrative, popular, emerging (and exciting) area of sexual expression. For those toy companies savvy enough to understand what’s at play here, that is—because the “bend over boyfriend” phenomenon has befuddled the more traditional sex toy retailers and porn directors, and also sex advice authors and porn reviewers of all orientations. As noted sexologist Dr. Carol Queen said in the introduction to the how-to instructional video that coined the sex act’s namesake (Bend Over Boyfriend), “Straight couples are reinventing anal sex.” Because even if uptight porn directors and novelty manufacturers may not have the faintest idea why a couple buys a harness, it’s certain that they’re doing it because it’s fun.
Wearing a strap-on, even if you don’t do anything with it, is an encounter full of revelations and gives you a sense of sexual giddiness that must be felt to be understood—in addition to the incredible arousal that usually comes with playing with “your dick.” Strap-on play has no unwanted consequences, like pregnancy or an STD. Being penetrated and played with by a lover in a harness is just as fun, intense, and sexually exciting as doing the strapping, and the orgasmic potential is eye opening. Although this chapter is written primarily for heterosexual couples, anyone looking to play with harnesses will want to give it a skim, as it’s full of crafty ideas for shopping for, playing with, and coming with the aid of a strap-on harness.
Strap-Ons for Straight Couples
Straight couples have reinvented anal sex, and the Bend Over Boyfriend phenomenon brought on by the how-to video of the same name has skyrocketed harness and dildo sales to heterosexual couples across the nation. Perhaps the fact that straight men are interested in receiving anal exploration from their female partners comes from increased awareness about prostate pleasure—sometimes called “the male G-spot.” Or maybe men are just more comfortable with and confident about their sexuality and can see through all the contrived myths linking male anal sex and homosexuality. And maybe now they feel free to make up their own minds about what they like, because in fact not all gay men like anal sex, and because being penetrated can’t
make someone gay. But most likely, because our culture talks about sex more than ever before, happy, horny, and adventurous guys and gals are looking at each other’s bodies like the pleasure playgrounds they were meant to be. And that’s a really good thing.
Penetration is one of those amazing things that connect you with your lover like nothing else, and it can be an incredible turn-on for both of you. When you plug a man with your finger or fingers, a dildo, or a vibrator, you enter into a realm of pleasure that’s as deep for him as it is intimate for both of you. And for some men it’s like hitting a pleasure switch—even the light- est touch on the outside of the anus shoots him straight to orgasm.
In almost every sex book you pick up, if you can find a reference to the prostate gland at all (without its being exclusively related to cancer), you’ll notice a few strange things about the way authors deal with the subject. Many impart a homophobic tone that makes even me wonder if I’m repressing anything—and this goes for both male and female authors. It’s as if they wanted you to be absolutely sure they’re straight when they’re telling you about what’s inside guys’ butts, and that you are too, and that everyone’s still straight after they read about it. The concept of male anal penetration obviously carries a lot of stigma and shame for these authors. This would be funny if it weren’t so frustrating trying to get practical sex information out of their books. The other unfortunate thing most books do when they cover real-life, try-this-at-home prostate stimulation (which they do rarely) is rush through the material and present it in a cold context, as if no one would really try this for pleasure. Oh, and did I mention that prostate play, or the enjoyment thereof, has nothing to do with sexual orientation? It doesn’t. End of discussion.
The prostate gland is located at about the center of the male urogenital system, inside the perineal wall. It sits just below the bladder, producing the fluid that mixes with semen in ejaculate, and is connected to the urethra, the muscles that line the perineum, and the sphincter muscle. If there’s an epicenter to male orgasm, then this must be it. Many men, though not all, find that when they’re aroused, prostate stimulation is intensely pleasurable; that’s because the nerve pathway from the brain to the penis runs through the rectum, and one large nerve bundle is located just beneath the prostate. Additionally, the root of the penis is more or less anchored at the prostate, so when you massage a guy’s prostate you also transmit sensation to the base of his penis. If he experiences any pain when his prostate is touched, he should have it checked by his doctor. Men often describe the orgasms they have from prostate stimulation as deep, intense, and powerful.
The Sex Toy Novice – From Chapter 2: First-Time Toys and Gifts
Is your lover new to sex toys? Want to surprise him or her with a little something sexy for a special occasion? This is such a fun situation to find yourself in: A whole world of sex toys and choices awaits, and your lover gets to try out a toy for the very first time, sharing the experience with you. Nothing could be hotter, sexier, or more intimate.
Will your gift be a surprise? While slow seductions and planned fantasies are among life’s exquisite pleasures, giving your sweetie something you know they’re not expecting—but want— makes for an unforgettable sexual tryst. Yet if it’s too unexpected, you might be met with shock, or worse. Make sure he or she has some idea that something hot’s coming. Presenting someone with a sex toy when they’re having a bad day, feel exhausted, or wish they’d showered before seeing you might make them feel awkward, or pressured. Plan ahead for a successful “reveal,” and make sure you’ve had some indication that they’d like to get frisky with you—and with the novelty of a sex toy.
If you don’t talk with each other about sex or haven’t even broached the topic, a sex toy might not be the right way to get the conversation started. In fact, if the idea of sex toys is totally new to your lover and you give them a bright pink buzzing bunny, it might startle them so much that it closes a door in your relationship for some time to come. Make sure you know they’re even remotely interested in sexual play or experimentation beforehand, by chatting about it. You don’t need to give away your surprise or plans for seduction, but do lightly check in with him or her about trying something new in bed, just the two of you—this way, you can fish around for anything that might be potentially “off the list” so that you don’t wind up being a “bad Santa.”
If you want to surprise your honey with a sex toy present that takes you out of your sexual routines (or a rut), you’re going to have to be the one to start talking about it. This will be easy if you talk about sex and experimentation regularly in your relationship, though a bit daunting if you never talk about sex but just do it. Telling him or her that you want to try something new sexually can feel stressful—and if it’s motivated by a secret fantasy, this is an understatement. In fact, even thinking about talking about sex is stressful sometimes! If you’ve never brought up the subject of sex with your partner, don’t worry. If you have what you consider a routine style of sex, telling your partner that you want something to change is scary, and starting a conversation about your desires to sexually experiment can make you feel vulnerable. This is as true with familiar sexual fantasies that predate your relationship as it is with new fantasies you discover as time goes by. Opening yourself up and asking for something you want sexually takes courage—but it also gives you an opportunity to learn more about what your lover likes and dislikes.
If you’re the one bringing it up, reverse roles for a minute: If you don’t normally talk about sex in your relationship and then suddenly one of you wants to, it might be upsetting—at first. Your lover may wonder if you’ve been withholding sexual secrets all along. But it’s very likely that your opening up to them will give your lover the opportunity to tell you what’s on their mind about sex, too.
Violet Blue’s Biography
Violet Blue (tinynibbles.com, @violetblue) is the best-selling author of numerous sex-instruction books, including The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus and The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio.
She also writes about erotica, pornography, and sexual pleasure and health for magazines such as O: The Oprah Magazine, Newsweek, Cosmopolitan, Esquire, Glamour, Maxim, Marie Claire, Men’s Health, Penthouse, Redbook, and more. She lives in San Francisco.
Buy The Adventurous Couple’s Guide to Sex Toys here