BDSM & FemDom Advice: Kink Compatibility in D/s Relationships

The issue of compatibility in kinky, BDSM relationships

Domestic Domination

You crave nothing more than her largest strap-on wedged firmly up your ass. She, on the other hand,  insists you spend the day doing the dishes dressed in sissy frills and heels. However, you’re not a sissy and she doesn’t own any strap on harnesses. How could things have gone so wrong?

Many imagine that in D/s relationships, kinky actions flow smoothly 99% of the time. How hard can it be? The submissive does what the Dominant wants. Right? The myth within BDSM is that a Dominant states what the submissive is to do, then the submissive carries out those orders or attends to those actions, no questions asked. More importantly, the submissive will enjoy doing them, regardless of what those actions are. This isn’t always the case.

The mistake that a lot of Dominants and submissives go on to make, is to assume that everyone counter to their own BDSM orientation either has the same kinks and BDSM interests as they do, or that people will jump to include these interests just to please them. Pressurising someone in the BDSM arena to fulfil your fetish needs when they don’t want to, or have no interest in that specific practice, is the same as trying to force a sexual practice upon someone vanilla who has no interest in it. It’s just not acceptable.

The phrase, “your kink is not my kink” does not just apply to a lack of acceptance or tolerance of another’s kinks and fetishes. It is also a clear statement that we all have different kinks. Just as vanilla lives incorporate a range of hobbies and interests, so too with those on the BDSM spectrum. There are many different kinks and fetishes and it is not mandatory to be aroused by, or feel fulfilled by all of them.

Upon starting a D/s relationship whereupon you find that your kinks and fetishes are not either on the same page, or compatible with your chosen partner’s, you have two choices. You can either work together to negotiate some areas from which you will both feel a certain amount of fulfilment, or you can decide to rethink whether this D/s relationship is in fact right for you at all.

Can you learn to love what they’re into? Is their fetish something that you could grow to tolerate or even like? It doesn’t matter from which side of the orientation coin we are talking either; it is just as important for the submissive to enjoy, on a certain level, the fetishes of their Dominant as it is for the Dominant to enjoy exploring and satisfying the fetishes of the submissive.

So how do you avoid these difficulties? As always, it comes down to honest and clear communication. It is tempting to jump straight in, strap-on first and bring along all your related assumptions, even when you know little to nothing about your chosen D/s partner.

A good and sensible starting point for any D/s relationship is an initial fact finding exercise, whereupon you first talk to the person of interest. Yes, talk! Discuss at length their personal kinks and fetishes. This discussion can be in person, over email or on the telephone. The important point is that you both have a clear line of communication.

You need to find out how well their kink interests and fetishes match up with yours, whether just for an enjoyable, playful BDSM session or over the long term, for a 24/7 total power exchange relationship. This discussion is just as important as those relating to setting limits, deciding a safeword, arranging session times and organising specific clothing and play equipment, which are also essential topics to cover.

Establishing right from the start whether their chosen version of Dominance, submission and BDSM in general matches your own desires and outlook will stand you both in good stead for the lifetime of your relationship. It will save you time, heartache and embarrassing situations.

Understanding the root of someone’s fetishes and the workings of a person’s psyche in a BDSM respect will also enable you to ensure your submissive remains sated by your Dominance (even if that is by tease and denial or sadism) and loyal to you. It will engender their trust and respect, both highly important factors of any Dominant-submissive relationship. Understanding and being in line with what your Dominant requires from a submissive will, in turn, allow you to not only be the most obedient submissive you can be, but also give your Dominant the best gift of all: a submissive who is happy and fulfilled in their submission.

– Cara Sutra

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