Can Women Ever Actually Submit? Gender Differences In BDSM

Can Women Ever Actually Submit? Gender Differences In BDSM

By Cara Sutra

At the risk of incurring the wrath of gender warriors, I want to write a little about the difference between male and female submission today. I am speaking about the male gendered brain in submission, the female gendered brain in submission; and the differences between the two. Can women ever actually submit? Are there gender differences in BDSM?

Can Women Ever Actually Submit? Gender Differences In BDSMOn many occasions I find myself using the term ‘Fetish’, when I really mean FemDom. I find myself using the word ‘kink’ when I really mean female submission, in that context. The entire BDSM culture is made up of much more than merely two segregated areas or categories, of course, but I do believe there are important difference in the way that men and women submit; and that these need to be brought to light so that that are more adequately understood.

Personal Points Of View

I write about my own experience. These thoughts will not fit all people, perhaps not even the majority. I write what I have seen, what I have felt and the perspectives of those who approach and interact with me.

My feelings are that men submit in a psychological and mental way, without the requirement of sexual interaction in the majority of cases. To give up complete control to their Dominant, which in my case would be a female as I am a Mistress and deal with male submissives. Women, on the other hand, submit very sexually from what I have seen. There usually needs to be at least a trace element of sexuality for them to submit to their Dominant, whether male or female.

My choices within the BDSM scene and lifestyle is to accept male submissives only. Why? Well I will only engage in sexual encounters with the two life partners I am fortunate enough to be committed to. In the past I have accepted female submissives. However they require that sexual element and in fact have seen sexual contact as the way they will submit, in every case.

Cultural or Genetic

Is this a cultural or genetic tendency? I am not too sure. I often feel that women have an underlying feeling that men ‘should’ do things for them and then that assumption, whether conscious or unconscious, infiltrates every area of the psyche whether in kink or not. As the Dominant player to a female submissive, I would be expected to provide imaginative role-play settings and exciting bondage opportunities where the female sub would receive sexual fulfilment either through an eventual orgasm or by her fetish for being kept chaste. I doubt that the chastity would last very long, however.

Men, however, are seemingly able to deny the actions that go with their sexual desire for a female Dominant. In fact the fetish of male chastity, including orgasm control and tease and denial, is one of the most popular there is.  With any male submissive I accept as a Mistress, I will never have sexual contact with them. In the past? Perhaps. In terms of face-sitting, Queening and milking (prostate massage). However I am able to both thoroughly control and keep possession of a male submissive or slave without any sexual context whatsoever.

Submission and Femininity

I fall prey to the trend here too, whether consciously or unconsciously; innate or learned. I know that my character is Dominant. I have a Dominant personality, I know what I want and then want it as soon as possible.

Although I am a Lifestyle Mistress (that loves gifts. Don’t forget the gifts), in the bedroom with my partners I can come across seemingly submissive. Does this make me a switch? I believe not. I believe instead, that I am indulging in the natural female tendency to seek the thrills of sexual pleasure through perceived power exchange in a sexual setting. That is to say, I can enjoy bondage, mild teasing, being held down in bed, wearing a collar, kitten play, even Daddy/little girl age play – but it is all as I choose, as I say and how. I also do not tolerate humiliation or chastity very well; I want my sexual satisfaction dammit and I will get it in the end don’t you worry.

Does that sound submissive to you?

Or does it just sound feminine?

Conclusion

It’s an interesting topic to consider and I hope that this resonates with at least some of you out there. I would be interested to hear others’ thoughts on the matter, so please leave me a comment below if you have something to say.

 

Can Women Ever Actually Submit? Gender Differences In BDSM

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Can Women Ever Actually Submit? Gender Differences In BDSM

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5 COMMENTS

  1. An interesting topic and while I respect your point of view from your personal experiences I can’t say that has been my experience.
    Firstly as a naturally submissive fem……to female’s only! I do not require any sexual element to my play (I am a bi fem but it doesn’t for me need to be part of my sub/Domme play).
    I much prefer imaginative play with particular attention to bondage, pain and edge play such as needle, knife and fire play.
    During our visits to fet clubs and as part of our swinging lifestyle we very rarely come across guys that do not want some form of sexual gratification during play and often they come across as lacking imagination and the ability to have their sexual desires controlled.
    This might be because while swinging these guys do not have a true awareness of sub/Domme relationships as they are not really part of the scene?!
    The Dom’s I have come across have not been able to offer me play that does not involve sexual stimulation/gratification but the Domme’s have.
    Not sure if that makes sense?!
    Thanks for an interesting topic
    Mrs Dirty

    • I’m glad you’ve had positive experiences. It’s unusual to meet a female that does not require a sexual element to her submission. However, you state what you prefer. I find that the case with women is that it need to be ‘this’ way or ‘that’ way – they remain in control at all times. If I were to Dominate you I would feel that I’d need to attend to your needs, your desires. That it wouldn’t be me being served after all, if that makes sense. And that’s what I mean by do women ever really submit. I don’t think they really ever do.

  2. I don’t really like generalisations that get too deeply involved in the psyche of a person as I honestly believe that while there are common areas that can be applied to men / women, we are all different and have different slants to our perceptions understandings and actions when imbibed in the Femdom or D/s dynamic. I have found that I have been influenced strongly by the likes of the Dommes that I have been lucky enough to serve in the past and in some of those cases, some of the Dommes concerned required a strong sexual interconnectivity between us and others did not. The reality is that it will reflect the Dommes desires provided any hard limits that would not compromise the subs essence of character are not crossed. So many D/s connections have subliminal aspects of sexuality and I believe that such desires are always connected in some way to what stimulates us sexually even if there is not any contact of a sexual nature.
    Its one that could be debated for a long time to come but our differences are what make us special and when that is shared with one who appreciates you and whom you appreciate in spite of sexual connotations or the lack of them, all can seem right with the world in those moments.

  3. Cara, your article is well stated and I find I love reading how everyone sees the Dom/Domme/sub relationships and how all can be different! Thanks for posting! Muah!

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