So what exactly is different about being with a girl?
The plain and simple truth, perhaps not so shockingly, is the lack of a man.
Obvious, right? Well there is a little more to it than that.
In my experience, now happily in the longest relationship with a girl that I’ve ever had, I like to think I have some authority in the subject. It will be 3 years this year. At least, I am able to tell you what it’s like for me. One of those things.
It takes a while to settle into a comfortable girl-girl relationship. It’s very exciting. Yes, it’s different to the norm, with the correct sense of ‘normality’ being what the majority do – not that being bisexual or gay is ‘abnormal’, you understand. With a man, I find it quite easy, generally. I’m the girl and as such there is, whether wrongly or rightly, certain privileges that come with that.
I’m not as polite to men. Another unsurprising fact. I find that with men, a lot can be put down to the ‘differences between the genders’, or the old ‘you just don’t understand cos you’re not a woman.’ That doesn’t wash at all when you’re both girls!
It’s taken a good while to get through the gentle and polite etiquette. Being a woman, I know how easy it is to get pissed off, hormonal, paranoid and upset. The emotions run rampant through us. So when you love another woman, you’re acutely aware of how easy it is to upset them as well, with a thoughtless turn of phrase, action or other. At times it feels like a minefield, until you have communicated enough and get through that initial ‘kid gloves’ zone.
There are even physical issues to contend with. I’m a girl, you’re a girl. How hard when hugging is too hard? Am I going to squish your boobs painfully? Am I hurting your hand holding it too hard? None of these things come into my head at all when with a man, as I just assume they’re strong enough to deal with it and if they need to move into a more comfortable position, oh well. Tough, deal with it. You’re the man, I’m the girl.
Upon reflection, I’m quite sexist. Maybe not everyone thinks like that. In a lesbian relationship, there’s no man to be the physically stronger one, to run down and put the bins out when you’ve forgotten and you’re tucked up warm in bed and you expect them to do it as ‘you’re the man and I’m the girl’. To defend you from other would-be man types or even just open jars and put up shelves. All very stereotypical but I bet you recognise at least some of it.
Even just the times in bed together, for the man to be the one massaging me, stroking me for ages as I enjoy the sensations with a guilt free conscience. I would never feel comfortable if my lady was spending hours of her time massaging me, I would feel selfish!
If out shopping with a man, I always at least hope for some chivalry and for them to offer to carry it all or at least half. I like having doors opened for me and to be shown to my seat first in a pub/cafe/restaurant. I like being asked for my order first. I will take some time out to go ‘powder my nose’ and make sure I don’t have my skirt tucked into my knickers and will ensure my face looks somewhat presentable by contorting my expression in the mirrors in the ladies, all comfortably in secret away from him.
With a girl? Totally different. I can’t expect her to carry all my shopping, we’re both girls. There seem to be no set rules of chivalry for the same gender, it’s all exactly (and scarily) fair and square and you’re on the same level. We go off to the loo together and chat, and if you have been stalking up the high street with your knickers on show, tough.
Shopping. There’s another one. With a man, easy. Go shopping, buy girly things, have him ‘um’ and ‘ah’ and wait for hours as you try things on and attempt but fail to get him excited about those must-have shiny heels. With a girl you both shop for girly things – but what if you both happen to like and want the same thing? Do you both buy it? Buy one and share it? Let them buy it and envy it from afar?
Do you have the same tastes or different ones? The minefield continues if they love something you really don’t like – do you say outright that you think it’s quite naff actually or just go along with ‘haha, yeah, that’s great,’ for the peace and quiet? In case you upset them?
After all of that – hormones. When living together, your periods synchronise. Which on some levels, is fantastic. You can time your tampon shopping so you always have a plentiful supply, then when the time is upon you, you can share a family size tub of ice cream and a kilo of Cadbury’s together in front of a girly weepy movie.
What’s not so good is the in sync PMT. If two women together at normal times are quite emotional and hormonal, then the week before a period it’s multiplied by ten. At least. The best thing to do is keep talking, even if in raised voices. Sometimes texting is for the best and, to be honest, safer. You don’t want to be around emotionally connected women, with in sync PMT, having a bad day. Trust me.
So finally we come down to the sex. Yeah, you’ve been looking forward to this bit, I know. Well the good thing about bad moods is that it often leads to make up sex, and with two women it’s really something else. Once again, there’s no man, so no penis. I’m talking about lesbian sex without the use of sex toys, Feeldoes and the like. You do of course have some other very important areas to use to stimulate each other instead. Fingers, lips, tongue, teeth; but most important of all, your minds.
Lesbian sex comes down to penetration of the heart and soul – instead of merely the body. My fiancee has said on many occasions that someone has to get her ‘mentally’ first, before physically. I completely agree. It’s not just about hopping into bed together and rubbing up naked (sorry. That does happen too, though). For us anyway, there needs to be a carnal lust that occurs and which has developed in foreplay. Not just physical foreplay, but mental stimulation. Teasing and ideas and visuals and subtle suggestions, through the hours or even days before. Scenes talked about back and forth, tease and denial and hints of what’s to come.
There’s a lot that’s different about being with a girl. I know a great number of women out there are curious and fantasise about either a lesbian relationship or lesbian sex. For the former, a lot is involved and you can’t approach it as you would a relationship with a man. It’s just so different.
The extra communication and the sudden actual equality might be a jolt to begin with but it is so worthwhile. The added understanding that comes from an emotional bond and connection with a woman is something that a man just cannot replicate. I am very lucky to have found lesbian happiness with my special lady.
If you have any questions or comments about lesbian relationships or (aha) lesbian sex, please leave me a comment below.