These two things may or may not be related for you. Looking in the mirror, you may be happy with the way you look clothed, or unhappy. How about naked? Do you have confidence even in front of a lover to stalk around naked with no self consciousness at all?
I guess this is the ideal, for most women. To feel both physically and mentally ready to be that sex siren, the provocative predator, seducing lovers like some nubile yet somehow remarkably wordy and sexually experienced Bond girl.
Do women like this really exist though – a woman that feels at ease with herself, ready to strip off when she wants to have sex and have no issues at all with the way she looks and no worries about how she acts?
I am certainly not very confident, body issues-wise. In fact I am very self conscious in most aspects of life. There is a great deal of bluffing (and usually alcohol, when required).
Even with long term lovers it is difficult to quell the ‘inner voice’ that I (and a lot of women, I imagine) have, not the Fifty Shades Ana -esque ‘inner voice’ ‘inner Goddess’ palaver but rather the niggling feeling that my bum is wiggling rather violently without those slimming knickers to hold it all in, my boobs are probably way too droopy to be sexy, nipples are not pert and hard enough, why didn’t I rub ice cubes on them first, is my labia too long? I hate the way it dangles.. perhaps there is something to be said for vagina surgery after all, oh well, can’t even paperclip them I guess that would be too noticeable…
Thigh wobbles. Patchy skin. Odd feet. Long toes. Did I shave close enough or is there regrowth. Are my shoulders too wide? Are my eyes too far apart? Shall I leave my makeup on or risk them seeing my naked face? Are they enjoying me being on top or am I crushing them like some sex crazed monster beast of Doom?
Ok, so I may be more paranoid than the ‘normal’ woman. What is normal anyway, right? ~twitches~
I do challenge any woman though to say that honestly she does not have any issues about the way she looks when it comes to being naked in front of her lovers or others. If you can strip off and not give a crap then I do applaud you.
Really I have to remind myself that they do want me, the person, not just me, the shell. I’m aware the above has all sounded very vain and shallow. But then this post is about body confidence, not ‘how to woo your lover with improvised Elizabethan style poetry on a Friday night’, or ‘Taking astrophysics exams together – the NEW sexy.’
It’s about your body. My body. Every body.
I wish I knew the secret to tell you how to feel the (body image) fear and do it anyway. There are things I have found that help, stopping short of removing all mirrors and keeping the lights off.
- Strike up a bedtime conversation with your lover about favourite parts of each others’ bodies. You’ll be able to compliment them and at the same time hear what it is they particularly like about your body. You may be surprised to hear that they favour areas of you that you hadn’t even been that keen on!
- Do what makes you feel comfortable. If you don’t want to strut around naked, then don’t; no-one is forcing you. If they are forcing you, then they don’t deserve to see you in all your naked glory anyway. Go to bed wearing a onesie if that’s what you prefer. Or, how about some sexy lingerie in a style that you feel flatters you. Dress for you, more than anyone else. If you feel good, chances are you’ll look even better because that confidence boost will shine through.
- Decide if you want to be a) happy with how you look now and work on your mental attitude towards it, or b) that you don’t want to look the way you do now and you’re going to work to achieve a difference you can be happy with. Your choice. Which one is it? If there are areas you have been meaning to tone up for years, or you simply want to exercise to lose some extra pounds, then what’s stopping you? Your choices are between a) and b). Or, I guess… c) moan about not liking your body but also do nothing to change either your attitude about it or the way it looks either. Harsh but true.
- Remind yourself how beautiful you are. Look in a full length mirror. Make yourself think at least 3 good things about the way you look. Pick out three features about yourself that you can be proud of and focus on them. If you do this regularly then they can become your mental strong points. Make these areas a feature in the way you dress; present them to your lover foremost in a sexual situation. Take the upper hand and take back the confidence.
- Bluff it. Yeah, I know… difficult. But in the end, if you at least have pretend confidence, some of that will sink in somewhere. You bluff confidence, people think you’re confident, you become confident to meet those expectations…. the circle is complete. I’m not talking ego on a stick arrogance. Walk with your head held high in everyday situations, though – dress to impress yourself, in the mirror. Damn you’re looking good today, tell yourself. Make that extra effort. Treat yourself to that hair cut, new shoes or manicure. Shoulders back, hips forward, sashay. Work it.
I am not feeling confident about my body at the moment, having gone through many changes and there is more to come. I’ve done it before though and conquered how I feel – and if I can then so can you. I’m curvy at the moment (ok, fat actually) and have gone up many sizes. My thighs are reminiscent of a sun faded, half deflated bouncy castle littered with fortnight old balloons. I’m eating chocolate and junk food and feeling sorry for myself. I don’t feel sexy in bed and whether I have clothes on or not I don’t feel that attractive.
It’s a real effort at the moment to think of myself in a sexual light even though my partner says he still finds me sexy… I have to try and see what he does and remember that it’s part of his love as well, to see me as attractive regardless and I mean both internally and externally.
I’ll be taking my own advice to conquer these feelings in the next few months, especially taking action to change areas I am not happy with, in order to give myself the best starting point to regain a mental strength about how I feel I look.
After all if I feel I look ok/good/sexy, then that has an impact on my feelings towards myself too.
You can call me vain, shallow, proud if you like… but how can it be wrong to want to be able to strut about in front of lovers without that negative inner voice yelling all the time?
Definitely something to think about. What’s your opinion?