Fifty Shades of Grey Sex Tips For Men
This one’s for the guys. The ones who have girlfriends who are reading Fifty Shades of Grey. The ones who are wondering what it’s about and how to get in on it without reading it.
As per usual, padré, the internet has done the hard work for you and you can now get the abridged 411 of Mr Christian Grey in the form of sex advice. Pretty cool, huh?
If you don’t know my background, I used to work as a dominatrix and fetish performer and now I’m a freelance writer working for Lovehoney writing descriptions, advice and entertainment blogs. I know products inside and out. I know ‘kinky fuckery’ inside and out. I’ve also read the books, so I know exactly what sort of filth your girlfriends/wives are curious about. Care to be filled in?
Christian Grey is a metally-screwed-up billionaire. He’s ginger and ridiculously good looking. He’s into dominating women, sex toys, bondage and spanking/whipping.
Ana Steele is an innocent virgin who is dazzled by his looks, turned on by his behaviour and as a result lets him fuck her in all manner of ways and considers becoming his sex slave.
The books trawl through their relationship. Firstly he wants to own her as a sex slave because he’s ‘fifty shades of fucked up’ and then he falls in love with her and begins to compromise on his need to beat the shit out of her using whips… so long as she remains open and experimental.
So what does this mean? Basically Christian is walking the line between being a total prick and being some kind of kinky sex God. The more he loves Ana and concedes defeat on his issues, the more of a kinky sex God and ideal partner he becomes.
That’s pretty much the story.
As I said in my last blog, the main thing that’s so freaking hot about Christian Grey is his ability to communicate and be sexually confident. If you want to give your Mrs the FSE (Fifty Shades Experience) then you need to be calm, controlled, confident and know what you’re doing. Pretty big demand from a guy. She expects you to suddenly be experimental and dominate her in the bedroom, but let’s face it… you barely talk about sex, you probably don’t own any sex toys of your own and there’s no way in Hell you have a clue what’s in those books. Kinda on the back foot, aren’t you?
So here it is, my quick and easy Fifty Shades of Grey for Men sex advice and tips:
1. Praise Zeus! She might be curious about anal.
Butt plugs are a feature of the book and E.L James does a pretty good job of convincing a vanilla audience to consider a bit of bum fun. Here’s the deal – it’s not your dick she’d be after at first, it’s a butt plug.
Anal play is something a lot of women find sexy but a lot of you guys don’t do your ground work before trying to ram your anatomy inside our rosebuds. She needs time to prepare, she needs lube and she needs to start off small. I recommend the Adrien Lastic Beginner’s Curved Comfort Butt Plug for first time play. It’s easy to use with some anal lube, it makes sex feel different in a really good way for both partners and it’s part of a range that gets marginally bigger, assisting in working your way up to anal sex.
2. She wants a set of silver balls.
And you’re going to freaking love these things too. Ben wa balls, Kegel exercisers, jiggle balls – they’re all the same thing. (See my blog about vagina balls for more info). I swear to you, if your girlfriend is reading Fifty Shades then the best thing you can do is gift her a pair of these Silver Oriental Ben Wa Balls. They’re the right colour, they do everything she wants them to and they are selling out EVERYWHERE.
These balls have weights inside that roll around. The idea is that she wears them while she walks about and they stimulate her G-spot…sometimes to the point of orgasm. They’ll benefit you as they also help to tone the vaginal muscles, so she’ll feel more toned and tight if she uses them regularly and she’ll also be enjoying more powerful orgasms, making her extra frisky.
The icing on the cake is the knowledge that her man is paying attention to what she’s doing, learning about it and showing his interest. Buy her a set of silver balls and you are earning serious boyfriend credits and will definitely be reaping the rewards in the bedroom, or over a spanking bench.
3. Yes, she wants you to try dominating and spanking her.
There are two levels of this for the layman. Have you spanked her during doggie style sex? If that’s a no, that’s your first move. It’s the most common spanking scenario and a commonly emulated porn move.
If you’ve done that then you’re ready for phase two – injecting some borrowed originality. Be spontaneous and embrace her while she’s standing. Be slow and loving with her and slowly move things up. Slowly turning her on is key to many of the scenes in Fifty, she wants anticipation. When she starts leaning her body into you during your pashing, you’re ready to move things on.
Walk her backward until she’s up against the wall but continue to be sensually passionate with your kissing. Slide your hand from her face, around her neck, down her shoulder and to her hands. Lightly stroke her fingers before taking her by the wrist and pulling her arm above her head slowly and firmly gripping it to the wall. Mirror the action with your other hand.
Move one hand to grip onto both her wrists and slide your other hand back down her arm and her face and over her breast. Spend some time sliding your hand over her chest and perhaps tell her how much you want her… Christian tells Ana that a lot.
From her breast slide to her waist and here’s the tricky part, you want to spin her around so she’s facing the wall. Hellloooooo backside. Slide your hands up her legs and squeeze her buttocks, but as you do tenderly kiss her neck. Always keep a balance between aggressive movements and sensuality at all times when being ‘dominant’.
Now’s the time to start getting to the action. Slowly cup her between the legs and slowly trace her genitals through her underwear. Tease her for a while before slipping your fingers inside her panties, she loves that coy stuff that happens in the early days.
After a couple of minutes of teasing you can slip your fingers into her underwear. Stay external for a couple more minutes and keep it slow, then you’re golden for some slow finger insertion. Tell her you like how wet she feels… which if you’ve made these moves so far, she should be, and then give her a light spank on the ass.
Congratulations. You’re now well on your way to becoming a better bet than Christian Grey, presuming you too aren’t a mentally damaged sexual abuse victim who likes to beat about women who look like your dead crack whore mother.
I have to be up at 5.30am to help a friend with some charity work so I’ll be back with more Fifty Shades of Grey sex tips for men soon.
– Hella Rude
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