Sometimes I wonder why she even likes me when she can have anyone else she wants. She tells me enough about other people, friends of hers that are ‘stunningly beautiful’, ‘a goddess’, ‘amazing’ – all these things going round my head until I think, well I’m not. Either on the outside or inside. So why?
I have no idea why she puts up with my insecurities and myriad issues, strangeness and shifting moods from day to day. I feel like an ugly person on the inside, that can’t be saved and I am at a loss as to why she would even look twice never mind find anything about me attractive.
The skills I have aren’t that useful, I’m by no means a genius… When I try I can put some words together and I’m good at being emotionally fragile and broken. Cynical, negative and distrustful.
So there are days when I feel strong and other days where I feel the confidence has drained away. Self belief, what’s that? Another unattractive trait, self pitying, wallowing, lack of confidence.
Body issues haunting at a time when I can’t rely on the old, safe, trusted methods of fighting back against the inner demons. I have to continue, regardless. Have to make sure my body is as healthy as I can make it right now, no room for anything else.
Hormones unhelpful, skin a mess, hair dull and thin, body stretching and growing but dry… feeling ugly and about as far from any remnants of beauty and glamour as possible.
Left to deal with the taunts viciously circling my mind in a sing-song voice, echoing but never really fading out.
I don’t know what to do. I hate days like today.